Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dreams...recurring theme

I have been dreaming a lot lately about sea mammals, particularly Dolphins and Orcas. One involves a swimming pool that is open in the day, and at night, the water level drops to reveal a large enclosed tank with Orcas swimming in it...that has been a recurring dream, but the other night I got a tour of the administration side of the enclosure...like a stone cave but brightly lit.

Last night I dreamt about dolphins. I was walking along a boardwalk, and to my left I could see a dozen dead, decaying dolphins in a huge orange body bag. I felt angry and indignant, and wanted to find out what had happened to them...I was also sad at the loss of these dolphins, because it was obvious they had not died of natural causes. I found myself at the edge of a large, deep tank, and the dolphins came to me telling me they loved me; I jumped into the water with them, touching their smooth skin, feeling wonder, and joy at this experience. but that was ruined when I realized that the "dolphin killer"was coming. I told the dolphins they had to leave, and I was afraid for them. But they couldn't leave because there was a large cage surrounding us, and we couldn't find the exit.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Feeling decent for a change...

I saw my Psychiatrist on Friday, and he switched around all my meds. I'm down to 50mg of Paxil, 2mg of Clonazepam, still at 1500mg of Valproic Acid, and up to 125mg of Seroquel. I've also started taking a bee pollen supplement, and I think it's helping me to have a bit more energy. Due to the med changes, I kind of felt lousy over the weekend, but today, I did a lot more stuff than I've done over the past 3 months. I finished laying down the hay over my Vegetable garden, and I helped Gilles a bit with putting the leaves in bags...LOL so far we have 47 full bags of leaves, plus he put a large pile in an area to try and make compost over the winter. I still get tired easily, and my feet and my back get sore rather quickly. My back is still painful from the fall I took out of my bed...I hope it goes away soon. Anyway, I'm proud of what I accomplished today.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Doing better...

So I am doing better emotionally, although I still could use some extra help in the life-skills area. I ordered a book on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and was relieved to discover that a large part of it is biological (meaning how chemicals and messages are processed in the brain). I was also relieved to find out that with therapy, it is possible to improve to the point where although I may still have a couple of BPD symptoms, I can reduce the symptoms where I would no longer be classified as having BPD. I will not use this diagnosis as an excuse to do stupid things, but at least now I know why my behaviour and moods have been so erratic and impulsive (don't forget, I also have Bipolar Disorder). But the BPD explains why I have the tendency to be extremely impulsive, cause harm to myself by scratching at sores, and my temperament can turn on a dime. I can go from adoring and idolizing a person one minute, to hating, loathing them the next. With BPD, a person tends to see things in Black and White, and can't see the shades of gray. An example given in the book I'm reading is "the normal person will think, I like John, but I hate it when he's late. The person with BPD will think John is a nice person when he's on time, but he's a jerk when he's late"

Thursday, October 11, 2007

More to deal with...

So I saw my psychologist yesterday, and we had a good long talk. She revealed to me that not only do I have Bipolar Disorder, but I also have Borderline Personality Disorder. Now I have to learn about that so I can deal with that too...grrrrrrrrrrr

Sunday, October 07, 2007

General update and foolishness

Well, things in the garden are coming to an end. I have managed to grow one beautiful pumpkin for Samhain, and I can actually see a few others trying to start, but I doubt they will be ready in time. I had one larger gourd, but it seems to have disappeared! I am very confused about that; do racoons eat pumpkins? I've bought abou 10-12 bales of hay, and I need to get started trampling down dead plants, and getting the hay laid down. I need to put 6-8 inches of hay all over the garden, and then the remaining bales will be placed on the grass by the edge of the garden to naturally extend the size of the garden.

A couple of Sundays ago, I went through some real stupidity on my part...you'd think I'd have learned by now that stopping my meds is bad, but nooooo... Anyway, long story short, I had to spend a night in the hospital, and then I was under "house arrest" at my Mom's for a week and a half. I'm rather embarrassed about the whole thing which is why I'm really not going into much detail about it. I'd rather just learn from it, and get on with life. Oooh, but the worst part was that I ended up getting a "talking to" from a really good friend in Vermont. This is someone I've known all my life, and he doesn't mince words. He said some very important things to me, and laid out the truth before me without dancing around the issues, so it actually was a good thing. I really love and respect him, and am grateful to him. So, Mr. Polar Bear, if you read this, thank you, and I love you, and I'm glad to have you as a friend.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A different sort of gardening...

I am embarking on a new adventure...The "Ruth Stout" method of gardening. Basically it involves using straw to enrich your soil, make compost, and kill weeds, and more. I got two bales of straw yesterday from a local farm, and I'll have 20 more being delivered within the next week or so. I am getting my 20 bales from Quinn Farm in Ile Perrot. Elwood Quinn is such a nice guy...very friendly, and has a wonderful sense of humor.

I've got to move my compost container to a more accessible spot...now, if I can just get a hold of one of my male neighbours to help me, since it has to be lifted over the pool pump in order to get it where it needs to go...can't do it on my own (I tried).

Okay, back to the straw. So basically, you get a bunch of straw bales, and just set them up along the edges of your garden (kind of like a retaining wall). Now, 22 bales sounds like a lot of straw, but this will do for 2-3 years. The bales sit outside, and yes, they will start to decompose, but that's the beauty of all this. You cover the ground (or garden patch) with a layer of straw, and through the season of your garden, you just keep layering as the need arises. Weeds? No problem...don't break your back trying to pull them out...just throw some straw on top of them to take care of that problem.

I'm very excited to try this.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Pumpkins...

I have decided that the pumpkin is a very mysterious plant to grow. Three years ago, we planted pumpkin seeds, just to have the joy of growing our own pumpkins for Samhain. Well, of course, the pumpkin vines took over the whole garden, and I'm pretty sure we had miles and miles worth of pumpkin vines. We had quite a few good pumpkins that year, and gave a few away too.

Well, this year, we had a pumpkin vine sprout up seemingly out of nowhere, as we didn't plant any pumpkin at all this year (don't have enough space in our garden area). Now, what I find amazingly mystical is that the vine started sprouting flowers, and I'd keep checking them for signs of pumpkins starting, to no avail. Then, as if overnight, I have a huge green pumpkin in my garden. How did I miss that???? Well, at this point, it's still greenish, but with an orange tinge starting...figure it will be just perfect for Samhain...but I've still got at least 20 flowers, no sign of any other pumpkins yet, and I'm wondering if these will sprout up just as "mysteriously?"

Anyway, that's just my ramblings for the day...LOL

The joys of iTunes

Ah...yes, I have discovered the wonderful world of iTunes, where I can instantly download music which is sometimes more difficult to acquire on CD format...LOL I finally have music by Inkubus Sukkubus!!! YAY!!! I've also discovered Jaiya, and Goddess of Desire, not to mention downloading more popular songs in the reggae, pop, and rock domains. I am muchly enjoying this.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Updating

It has been quite a while since I've posted. I guess I get so caught up in the mundane things involved in life, that I just feel I don't have anything inspiring to write these days.

My husband, Gilles, is on his second run at his new job in Ft. McKay, AB, and we're finding that this arrangement is actually working really well for us. We're starting to appreciate each other more, and we actually miss each other. We were on the verge of divorce. When he left for the first run, I asked him if he would miss me, and he said he didn't know. Well, the week he got home, we had more emotional intimacy than we had had in the past six months....we talked non-stop about things, and we began to re-discover each others' minds... we found out things about each other that we hadn't known.

He called me as soon as he arrived at his room in AB to tell me that he had gotten there safely, and that he already missed me.

Another thing that has been good for us has been deciding to "open-up" our relationship, meaning that we are committed to each other, but can see other people. I'll spare the details, but I had one wonderful experience that I told my husband all about, and it brought us even closer.

What saddens me is that someone very close to me is not dealing with it well...she's taking it personally...almost as if it were her relationship at stake. My husband and I are the ones who have the right to make the decisions about our relationship, and noone else. I don't expect this kind of arrangement to work for everyone, nor would I want to even try and force it on anyone, but the fact is that it's working for us right now. Maybe we are only prolonging the inevitable end, which is divorce, but at least we're getting along much better and speaking to each other, and actually having fun with each other for a change...so I think that makes it healthy, even if others may not view it that way!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Not so bad...

Okay, so I have been alone with the kids since Thursday (July 19th) and so far, I'm keeping it pretty much together...it's not so bad! My sister has put together a schedule for me to follow...now, if I could just stick to it better.... the 7AM wake-up time just isn't working for me...LOL.

Gilles is making sure I have enough money to run the household, and to have a bit of fun as well. Mom's taking the kids on Saturday night, and I get to go out for a real good time with someone I haven't seen in years.

Today I did manage to take a walk with the kids, although we didn't go very far because Mykah insists on walking too now. His little legs are so short, for every step I take, he has to take five. But at least we got out and got some exercise and fresh air, not to mention that I had them outside playing in the back yard most of the day.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Oh may the gods help me...

In one week I will embark on a test of physical, mental, and spiritual challenge. In one week my hubby leaves for Alberta, and I will be all alone with the kids for 3 weeks...no reprieves from my hubby...thank gods he's giving me enough money to get a babysitter once in a while, and I hope my Mom and sister will help me out too.

It will be a test, it will be a time of growth for me. I'm nervous, but I'm also looking forward to it.

Friday, June 22, 2007

He got the job...

Gilles is going next Wednesday for the required drug test, and to sign the paperwork and stuff for the job in Alberta. Once he passes the drug test, he will leave for work on the 5th of July. Aaaaaah.... I'm so excited and overwhelmed at the same time. My gods, I hope I don't blow up the house!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Missing you...you know who you are.

I'm missing you like crazy,
We haven't talked in a while,
I love the way you make me feel,
You always make me smile.

Will I ever get to see you again?
Will I ever feel your touch,
Just know that although we're so close,
I miss you very much.

Friday, June 08, 2007

How the rest of my birthday turned out...

Well, I couldn't get the vanilla vodka because the SAQ was out of it. But I got the sushi, and it was just the thing I needed to lift my spirits...Sushi fixes all ills. However I ate way too much of it, and ended up in much, much pain....oh, but it was soooooo worth it...LOL So I had a good birthday after all.

Still waiting...

Well, we still haven't heard any news from the guy in Medicine Hat, but Gilles called him around Noon, and left a message saying, "If it's true that I keep my vacation, seniority, and pension, then yes, I'll take the job."

So in that case I'm sure we'll hear back from him soon. If that is the case, I am going to have a lot of furniture for sale...so those of you who read this either on my blog or on Facebook, pay attention. We're not sure of prices yet, but here's a starting list of what will be for sale.
  • Couch (complete with kitty chewing marks), and love-seat (may be sold as set, or separately.
  • Another love-seat/hide-a-bed
  • 27 inch TV (old, but still works well)
  • Single bed frame with matching bedside table and dresser (mattress included)
  • Double bed frame with matching his and hers dressers (mattress included and we might have the box spring too, I don't remember)
  • Maple kitchen table with glass protective top and extension with 6 matching chairs
  • Riding Lawn mower
  • snow blower
  • 3 bookshelves
  • 2 TV stands
  • possibly a stereo set with speakers (am/fm radio only, but it's a box where you connect all your other elements through it i.e. DVD, CD, Video, etc.)
  • Apartment size piano

That's just for starters...we will also be sorting through toys, books, clothes, and whatever else is not necessary for us to take with us. I'll keep everyone posted, and let you know for sure when we're ready to start selling stuff.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Day is getting better...

LOL...my husband wants to help lift my mood, so he gave me money to go and get Vanilla Vodka and sushi... Sushi makes everything better! :D

Happy Birthday to me...

Today is my 31st birthday, and I have the birthday blahs...I think it doesn't help that it's cloudy and a bit rainy. Just another day of the year...same old routines, same old crap...I want to curl up in my bed and sleep until tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Waiting, waiting...

So we're still awaiting confirmation of all the details for the position in Medicine Hat. Oh I hate the waiting part...meanwhile, I'm trying to work on decluttering things that I don't need so that I don't have to stress at the last minute. It seems the houses around here, once put on the market, sell very quickly, so I may end up not having much time to pack and stuff after all; I don't know.

I'm excited, nervous, anxious all at the same time. But I found out that Medicine Hat does in fact have a pagan community, and I've already joined the e-list to start getting to know people right away. I was reading the blog of one Member, Fern, and it seems we have quite a bit in common... We like the same music, same kind of novels, and we both like to bellydance...oh yeah, we're both Geminis too. Yay...maybe I'll be able to take bellydancing out there. Woo Hoo!

Monday, June 04, 2007

Good news, and bad news (kind of)

Well, Gilles has been off work since March 30, and the job hunt has not been going very well. But this morning he got a call from his old boss from the Valleyfield GoodYear Plant, and it turns out he has a job available for Gilles in Medicine Hat, AB. $29/hr, and he gets to keep his seniority, his vacation, and his pension plan. We're just waiting for the guy to call back to confirm the details. The good part is, if Gilles accepts the job (and it looks like he's going to), we won't have to rush to get there. The guy said if we need 6 months to make the move, then the job will still be there.

I have mixed feelings, but I'm more excited than anything. I just hope there's a pagan community in Medicine Hat.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Peace...nice weather...very happy

So all the renovations in the house are finally done, and it looks amazing...I still have the "wow factor" everytime I walk into the kitchen... I have a stainless steel sink!!!!!

Gilles is still looking for work, but in the meantime, he's taking steps to upgrade some of his skills. He's taking a course this weekend and next weekend, and he has a couple of construction and certification cards to get

My moods are doing well. I'm more stable, but still get very tired very easily! I've still been napping in the afternoons, but I'm able to stay up later at night. So now I'm going to try and skip the nap and go to bed earlier.

My garden has gone wild... things have spread, and I don't know what I want to remove, and what I want to keep... I know I have to divide the hostas as they are taking up more and more space... I might just rip them out altogether...I hate hosta...I don't really find they are particularly pretty...I like pretty flowers like Irises and Morning Glories. Overly leafy plants piss me off!!!

Sunday, April 29, 2007

chaos...

Well, my house has been in chaos for the last couple of weeks, but for good reason. Gilles has been installing new laminate flooring, and it looks amazing. He just finished the last of it last night, and I am amazed at how much better it looks than the old floor. We also picked a darker color so that the dirt won't show up so quickly...ha ha ha. Next, Gilles will replace the counters and the sink in the kitchen...ooooh...I will finally have a stainless steel sink!

Friday, April 13, 2007

Renovations en masse!!!

So we're in the process of doing renovations to the house in case we have to sell, but we're also choosing things that meet with our tastes in case we don't have to sell. So far we have replaced the broken toilet in the laundry room, and Gilles is in the process of replacing the laminate flooring in the boys' rooms. We have also ordered new counters for the kitchen due to the fact that somebody tried to set the counter on fire when she was pregnant with her second son (we won't mention any names here...LOL). We've bought a nice stainless steel sink and faucets to replace the white plastic sink we have that stains so horribly. Then the next big project will be the floors from the hallway to the rec room (that also includes kitchen, dining, and living rooms.)

Oh, I would love to have a bigger house, but not if it would mean I'd have to settle for a smaller back yard.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Misc.

I made it to Mykah's appointment at the Shriner's hospital yesterday with both kids in tow. The wait was long, but the Doctor came in the examining room as soon as I got in there. He had some x-rays done to see the progress of Mykah's foot since he's been walking and it's good news all around. First, the left (clubbed) foot is looking very good. Second the bones in the right foot that were out of place have shifted since Mykah has started walking. That means he will probably still need surgery to correct the heel bone, but the surgery will be minor compared to what they would have had to do if the foot hadn't started to self-correct. I have to go to J.E. Hangar to get an orthotic made, and I'm going to have to start forcing Mykah to wear shoes during the day... he HATES shoes.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Lay-off and dreaming.

So with Gilles impending lay-off from GoodYear, we are starting to look at our options. No matter what we decide, though, I think we're going to end up selling this house. It would be nice to eventually have a slightly bigger house (a basement would be nice), but I am soooooo going to miss the back yard we have here. We have 15,000 sqft of property, and it's so peaceful... I love summers here. I just hope that whatever we choose that we end up with a larger living space, and a yard that's just as beautiful or more.

My dream is to have a 2-storey house with 4 bedrooms, office space, and a separate place for the kids' toys. In terms of yard space, I would sooooo love to have 1/2 acre or more...with lots of mature trees..

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Funny thing

So I had to stop watching all of the new surrounding the death of Anna Nicole Smith...not that I follow celebrities with any passion or anything. But the whole circus...court cases... paternity disputes and shit was starting to depress me.

What was getting to me was the baby...losing her mom at such a young age, and feeling like all these stupid men are not interested in the baby, but in the money the baby will inherit. I just hope that baby ends up with a parent or caregive who will truly love and cherish her.

Okay, that's the mom in me speaking and I've ranted enough.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Positive thinking works.

I've had a rough few days since it seems my medications have been causing some nausea. I though it was because, silly me, I was taking them on an empty stomach, but even taking them with meals wasn't helping. So I decided to try positive thought to solve the problem. First I eat, and then I hold my pills in my hand and say "These pills balance my emotions and make me feel good." I repeat it until I feel it is true, I say "Thank you", and then I take my pills. I've been doing this for 2 days, and I've been nausea-free for 2 days... there's positive thinking in action for you.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Valentine's day

I had such a nice Valentine's Day. Gilles came home with a rose for me (I love red roses), and Sushi for supper... yummmmm. I am a sushi-whore! It was as romantic as it could be with 2 pre-schoolers running around ha ha..

I love my sweetie so much. I'm so grateful to have you, babe!

Monday, February 12, 2007

WOW!!!

I am feeling absolutely incredible! My emotions have finally stabilized thanks to the new medication, and I'm a functioning person again. Now I just have to work hard to break some bad habits I developed all the years I was not well. But I love a challenge.

Mykah is a full-fledged walker, and he's already attemting to run. It's so funny to see him walking because he's so small. Finding pants for him is still a challenge; his legs are so short that he can still wear 9month pants. He's cute as a button and smart as a whip.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Transitions...

It's official... Mykah is finally making the transition to toddler. At 25 months old, he is finally starting to walk independently! And although it means double-checking all the new things he can reach to make sure everything is still child-proof, because a toddler can get into so much more trouble (ha ha), Gilles and I are thrilled.

Mykah is absolutely thrilled with himself too. He comes walking into the room and goes, "hi Di di" (this is what he calls me...I don't know why). He even walks short distances carrying toys, and his confidence is great. He's got a bit of a limp, but I think that will go when he has the surgery to correct his right foot.

I'm so happy!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

My return to the human race...

I am finally starting to feel normal again! I think we may have hit the right levels of the right medication for my brain! It's as if I've been in a fog for the past 5 years, and it's finally lifted. I am able to concentrate enough to actually start reading again, and I am so happy about that; I've read 3 books in the past week alone.

I am interacting better with my children; I am actually enjoying them all the time now. I've also been able to manage to take over some more of the housework without feeling overwhelmed. Now, I'm also keeping my kitchen clean all the time, cooking meals (and planning leftovers for hubby's lunches), laundry, keeping bathrooms clean, etc. All of this was on my husband's plate before because I couldn't concentrate enough to handle it, so now he's got less responsibility and less stress, and I'm more satisfied by my daily accomplishments. Yay!!!!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Bad news...

It looks like GoodYear will be laying off 900 people, and, of course, this will affect my husband. As far as we know now, he will work until March 30th, and then that's it. It's stressful, but he seems confident he will easily find another job. There are many options open, so I think it's just a matter of deciding which one will be best for our family.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Things are going well...

First, we celebrated Mykah's 2nd birthday on December 25th. I can't believe my baby's already 2 years old. Since he's so small for his age, I sometimes forget how old he is. He's still not walking independantly yet, but he is cruising around on the furniture quite a bit, and occasionally takes a couple of steps without holding on. He is trying his hardest, and I've accepted that he will just walk when he is ready to do so, and not a moment before!

I am starting to feel better and better; I think we are finally getting somewhere with my medications. I still get tired very easily, though, but I think that's due to a lack of proper exercise which I intend to change very soon!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

First 2007 post...

Okay, where do I start? After a bad end to 2006 what with me going into a bad depression, self-medicating with alcohol, and things just getting bad, things are really starting to look up.

First, I saw my Psychiatrist on Dec 21st, and he did a complete rearrangement of the meds and told me to stop drinking. Okay, I didn't listen to that part which led to my loving family giving me an ultimatum (Thank you, I'm so glad you love me so much). Which in turn led to me stopping the drinking (it also helped that my hubby hid the vodka and took away my car keys) No, I was not driving under the influence, he just didn't want me to be able to go buy more booze.

Stop drinking, and the medication has a chance to work properly. There was one medication he prescribed to help me sleep that I had to stop taking because it was just keeping me in a Zombie-like state. I've been starting to feel a little bit better every day this week! Yay!

Today, I feel like a million bucks! My kitchen is pretty much spotless, and I've done 4 loads of laundry (put it away too) on top of that. I really pray that this is me starting to feel better and not just another manic phase starting!