Stupid car...

Well, my car needs something fixed, although I don't know exactly what. It's either the timing belt, or something with the transmission, or both. Gilles is taking it to the garage tomorrow to find out what the problems is... not being to accelerate is definitely a problem... cars are supposed to go, not just make noises and complain...

Needless to say, I didn't go to Mykah's appointment with the gastrointerologist today because I was to scared that the car would conk out on me. It's making a strange noise, and I wasn't taking any chances, especially with a child in the car.

Fog-brain with a vengeance...

Woke up this morning with horrible fog-brain and headache...it felt as if I had been bar-hopping or something. Didn't help that I forgot to take my Risperdal on Monday night; also didn't help that Zach decided it was party time around 2 AM and wouldn't go back to sleep.

A trying week...

Well, not long after my last post, I got the bad news that a dear friend passed away; it was a heart attack. She was so young, and is survived by her husband and four children. The older two children are in their 20's, but the younger two are only around 7 and 5 years-old. Maureen was only in her early 40's (I think)

Feeling soooooo good!

I definitely can get used to feeling like this! I feel incredible. Over the weekend, I helped Teri to spread earth to level the WHOLE front yard at Mom's....heh heh.... I didn't even get sore muscles (Teri did), and I'm the one who was loading up, pushing, and dumping the wheel barrow.

This morning, I had laundry out on the line to dry before 8AM!!! I just am not sure if it's going to rain today, so I'm only putting out one or two loads at a time, well stretched out so it will dry faster...I only have about 3 more to go.

My other plans for the day are:

• completely declutter the kitchen counters
• finish emptying the old PC workstation
• declutter the change table in Mykah's room
• declutter surfaces in Mykah's room

My list on paper is actually longer, but these are the main things I want to accomplish today!

Happy Pills....

Yes, a happy pill actually does exist...well, at least for me it does. This new medication I'm taking is working wonders for me (and yet for someone else it might not work at all). Now, I have been having some insomnia, and I find I'm highly distractable, but I'll take that over the depression any day.

Happy Beltaine!!!

What a beautiful and perfect day! This is the most beautiful Beltaine I've enjoyed so far. The weather was perfect, and my oldest son is at an age (3-1/2) where he's ready for lessons about nature and the Goddess and the God (age appropriate, of course). So, we spent today outdoors learning about ants, flowers, and anything else he wanted to know about. I think after he had to apologize to all of my flowers the other day for stamping on them, he's curious to know why... Yay, a nice lesson is being learned, and he's actually getting it!!!

Update...

I spent the day on Friday waiting to see a Doctor at the Douglas hospital. I've been a mess, up and down in terms of my moods...and having scary thoughts. Anyway, the doctor I saw spent over an hour speaking with me getting a background, and trying to figure out what's happening (as opposed to the two other Psychiatrists I've had evaluations with who spent no more than 20 minutes with me) Anyway, this Doctor doesn't think I have Bi-polar disorder, but would like me to be evaluated by the "Affective Disorders" specialists at the Douglas for further information. He thinks that I suffer from a form of unipolar depression, and that I would be a good candidate for clinical research...LOL. He also gave me a new medication to try to see if it does anything for me, and he had me stop taking one of the other medications that just made me feel weird anyway.

I'm feeling pretty good today...I actually didn't have "fog-brain" when I woke up this morning, which was a very nice change!

Early Morning...

I was awakened at 4AM by Zachy crawling into bed with me; he had wet his bed. Then he wouldn't settle back to sleep, so we got out of bed so as not to awaken my husband (who's a very light sleeper). I got Zach settled on the couch with Dora, grapes and juice, and managed to catch a few more winks on the other couch in the living room... don't like waking early.

Change of plans...

So going to the Douglas today didn't happen...Mykah woke up crying around Midnight and didn't fall back asleep until 1:30AM. I'm looking at going on Monday which will allow me to not have to worry about the kids (Mom will care for them), and by leaving from Mom's, I can go via public transit! In other words, no driving anxiety.

Today, I'm feeling kind of melancholic. Gilles is working until midnight, and it's one of those evenings where I wish I had another adult around to keep me company. My thought patterns have been all wonky and scary, and I have tighness in my chest reaching around like tentacles attached to my spine. I really don't want to be alone tonight...I hate being so far from my family...I really have to expand my circle of friends (the chronic anxiety makes it challenging...and the bi-polar mood swings scare people.)

Today has been pretty much a bust in terms of housework, but I might get a couple of things done yet.

Tomorrow I'm off to the Douglas Hospital for an evaluation, and hopefully further referrals to get the help and support I need. My moods have still been way all over the place, and I'm fed up with it. My GP gave me the referral to the Douglas, and I hope they will follow me at one of their clinics...Psychiatry is somewhat different in that it's regulated by Postal Code (basically, you are limited to getting care in your local area) But the services out here don't seem so good, and most of the services available are in French only, so I'm hoping that will allow me to continue follow-up through the Douglas.

Beautiful desk...

My computer is all set up on the new desk, and it looks wonderful! I have "cubby holes" where I can keep the printer paper without it getting all dusty and mangled. There's a drawer where I can keep files, and miscellaneous drawers which are suitable for pens, pencils, staples, paperclips, 3-hole-punch, stapler, etc. Yay.

My husband rocks!!!!!

After spending the weekend at Mom's, it was nice to get home. Last night, my husband told me there would be a surprise waiting for me when I got home. I figured that he found a nice patio set, and had set it up in the back yard. So, when I checked the yard and there was no patio set, I was a little confuddled; especially since there were large, empty furniture boxes in the garage. I started checking the house to see if anything had changed. Well, when I walked into Mykah's Room/the computer room, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw a beautiful roll-top computer desk! I had pointed it out in a sale paper to Gilles, and he said, "Yeah, it's nice. But it's too expensive, and not one of our priorities right now."

I am in awe. I cried (good tears) when I saw it... I just have to figure out where to put it now...ha ha...

Hmmm...

Okay, so I have accomplished nothing of substance today so far; don't foresee it happening either. Oh, wait, I picked up most of the kids' toys from the floor, and Mykah is in a clean diaper. Hah!

Great Weekend...

Well, this weekend was much better! Actually, I had a great weekend.

FRIDAY: went out to Mom's with the kids and Goliath, and had a fairly relaxing day.

SATURDAY: Had CMS L2 Class in which we decorated eggs using the Pysanka technique...I loved it, and will probably continue this as a hobby, perfecting the skill as I go.

TODAY: Did an egg hund with the kids. Zach was too funny...he squeals like a girl; he was so excited. Then my aunt Jo came to Mom's which was wonderful in itself because I hadn't seen her since sometime in 1997 after my Grammy passed on...you know, loved one passes on, grief makes some people act out in silly ways, people "lose touch" with one another. Luckily, our family was able to get past the silliness and focus on loving each other. I was so happy to see her again!

Now I'm sitting at the computer in Mykah's room, because he doesn't really want to sleep...I think he will just have to cry this one out.

Crappy weekend...

Well, the weekend was nice overall, but I just felt really crappy! I think I missed a few doses of my meds, because I was feeling pretty down for most of the weekend. Also it didn't help that Dad came by Mom's and they had a huge yelling match which got my sons upset and scared. By Saturday morning, I was shaky, and having full-blown panic attacks! Needless to say, nobody slept well Friday night (Mykah and Zach both woke up at 2AM and didn't want to go back to sleep). So, I missed the gem show because I was in no shape to drive anywhere. I took 2 anti-anxiety pills before bed on Saturday; on Sunday, I had that "pea soup fog" in my brain...I couldn't stop from shaking, and I was having a hell of a time just trying to keep my eyes open!

Maybe working at home?

Well, I spoke to my supervisor today, telling her that Gilles and I decided that I need to be home with the kids. She didn't realize that in order for me to work that Mykah was living with my Mom for 2 weeks, then home for one. Having kids of her own, she's very understanding. I mentioned that if it was feasible that I could continue to do the transcripts, if I was allowed to work from home. She can't make the decision, but will speak to the person who can and let me know today. So keep your fingers crossed for me; this would be an incredible option for me if it happens.

Growlies....

I hate this waking up with "fog in the brain". I've been reading a book on bi-polar disorder, and I'm wondering if I'm having what they call "medication hangovers.?" All I know is that it sucks big time... Probably didn't help that I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up around 1 AM with horrible stomach pains...I'm talking many knives sticking me and twisting here... whatever it was, it was gone when I woke up this morning, but then there's still the foggy brain issue. Didn't get housework done...didn't do any reading... Oh well, at least the kids got fed and are wearing clean clothes...oops, I take that part about clean clothes back... Mykah just spit milk all over himself...growl.

Decision made?

Well, I think my mind is pretty much made up; I'm going to quit my part-time job in order to stay home with the kids full-time. It's ridiculous having to have Mykah stay at my Mom's on certain weeks; he should be with us.

I'm a little concerned that Zach might get bored being home, but probably not if I start planning arts and crafts activities. Plus, he's almost old enough to start more focused learning on some simple concepts...this could be fun actually.

Decisions, decisions...

So Gilles has asked me to consider quitting my part-time job to stay home with the kids full-time again. Hmmmmm... I told him I'd have to take some time to think about it, but the prospect is very tempting, especially with summer coming. Before I started working, I was starting to get a good routine going here in the house, and I was actually doing very well. I was starting to be more stable with my moods. In reflection, I think my decision to find a part-time job was the beginning of a manic phase, especially considering the amount of $ I spent between Sept and Jan.

It's costing us $100 a week for child care right now; Gilles says he'd rather have me home with the kids and give that money to me.

If I do decide to do this, I'm going to have to find a "Mom & Tots" group or something along that line, because if not, I think I'll go stir crazy.

Moods...

Okay, so the butt-dragging led to a full-blown week-long depression...could not go to work, could not get out of bed, could not think...and all that stuff. It was apparently a result of reducing my Lithium intake by 300mg per day. I did this at the recommendation of my doctor, to see if the Lithium was causing some extra strange muscle aches that were not related to working out. Ummm...conclusion...I'll deal with the muscle pains if they come back!

I'm feeling much better now, although it doesn't look like I'll be able to go to work today because Zach is really sick, and I don't think he'll be up to going to daycare. The poor kid has a fever, a wicked cough, runny nose (we're talking running faucet here), and it seems the cold is in his sinuses because his eyes are red, puffy, and constantly tearing.