Christmas with Mom and the kids

We had a nice day, although pretty quiet. Christmas just isn't the same when my sister is not here. The kids loved their toys, though. And I hit the jackpot, because my hubby bought me season 1 & 2 of Gray's Anatomy.... I am so, so, so happy with that gift!

Overall I'm feeling better with just one slight problem. The Clonazepam that I'm taking to help with the anxiety does in fact help...but it makes me so drowsy it's ridiculous! I'm hoping my body will adjust to it or else we will have to find another solution!

Thank you!!!

Thank you Gods; with the help of my new medication, I actually had 8 hours of uninterrupted, restful sleep last night, and this morning I feel great! So "All hail the Gods of Flurazepam!" I feel good...I feel really good... I actually feel as if I will get things accomplished today. I'm so happy!

Good news and bad news...

The good news and the bad news is that I could end up going into a high over the holidays, according to my doctor. He's made some fairly drastic changes to my meds which will do me some good in the long run, but could send me slightly manic... Bring it on! I've been so depressed lately that a bout of hypomania would be a welcome relief for a change!

So I continue on the Paxil, I increase the Valproic Acid, I will be stopping the Risperdal and the Lithium, and he's added an anti-anxiety and an anti-insomnia

So overall it's good news, although I may drive my family nuts if I do go into mania... oh well, at least I'll have the energy to help out in the kitchen!

Fast approaching...

Oh yes, the day is quickly approaching. Around here we celebrate on the 25th, just because that's what everyone is used to, and our families do the Christmas thing. I will do my own thing for Yule tomorrow night. Anyway it really doesn't make a difference to me, because whether you do Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever, the main theme is basically the same or similar.

My son Zach is all excited for Santa Claus to come and leave him presents, and I can't wait to see the kids opening their presents on Christmas morning. They're both at a good age where they'll get all excited, ripping open the packages with squeals of delight....although knowing my boys, the squeals will be much louder...more like ear-piercing shrieks of delight. All the better.

Also, Zach is excited, because he gets two Christmases this year. One on the 25th at home, and one on the 31st at my Mom's. Mom will be coming out on the 25th to open presents with us, but my sister is in Michigan with her husband for Christmas this year, so we'll exchange gifts with her on the 31st. Zachy asks me every day when his TeeTee (my sister) will be home; he is very close with her and misses her fiercely. We're doing a count-down with him on the calendar for the days until she comes home, and it seems to be helping.

Finally...

I think I'm finally coming out of my latest funk. It's about time too, because it was getting pretty bad. Thanks to Aurora for her loving advice on my LJ site as it was very helpful!

Although my motivation to do things is still lagging, and least I am starting to accomplish a few small things again. I am however in laundry hell as I allowed it to get backed up... I think I will be folding clothes until Christmas. Hmmm... maybe that's a sign that it's time to purge wardrobes... well, we'll see; I'm not that ambitious yet. One day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time is what I need to focus on.

Poetry

Please forgive my feeble attempts at poetry. I'm experimenting with trying to find a creative means of expression for my crazy up and down emotions:

Help me for I'm falling fast,
I think my sanity will not last.
My mind wanders, goes blank, and hurts me;
the pain is too much to bear.

The elixer will help ease the pain.
The sweet nectar will make it better,
or at least make it so that I don't care.

I am reaching break-neck speed
and I don't know what waits for me at the bottom.
I'm sure my fate is not good,
and I will come out not unscathed, but broken!

My Weekend...

Okay, first of all, I'm depressed because it looks like I won't be getting Charlotte the Wolfhound afterall. She's such a sweetie that the people who are currently fostering her may decide to keep her... Yes, I was in tears when they gave me that news!

Apart from that, the weekend was pretty nice. My mom and sister don't let me any time to be depressed; they do their best to keep me busy. On Saturday, we went out to help decorate the church my Mom attends. I wasn't so excited at the prospect of that, but it meant a lot to my mom. Anyway, we ended up having a lot of fun...good food and good conversation! I decided I liked these people when I saw two bottles of wine on the table, and one of the ladies offered me a glass... heh heh.

Sunday was the Santa Claus Parade in Deux Montagnes, and we bundled up the kids and walked approximately 10 blocks to see the parade. Conclusion: I really need to get out and walk more, because the walk nearly killed me! The kids had a great time, the dogs froze. It was so funny. Goliath was so cold that my sister had to bundle him up inside her sweater. Poor Goliath.

Possible new addition...

We may be getting a new addition to our family. Her name is Charlotte , and she is an Irish Wolfhound mix. I met her today, and she is such a sweetheart. She's very calm, very friendly. Also, she totally looks like a wolfhound, but she's about the size of a Golden Retriever. We're going to foster her on a trial basis before making the decision to adopt her. I'm so excited.

Test results are in.

I saw the neurosurgeon at the MCH for Mykah today. His CT Scan was normal. Woo Hoo!!! However the doctor wants to have an MRI done to check a few other things out. But at this point I'm relieved, and not worrying anymore.

The weekend.

Overall, it was a decent weekend. My sister's husband was up from Michigan (long story), so it was great to visit with him. We get along really well, and I miss having him around. Zachy spent the whole day at the neighbours' house with his Titi and Spanky. He was thrilled to be with the neighbours who he calls Auntie Johns and Kimmie...LOL... he's still not totally clear on the concept of Aunt and Uncle; That's okay, he call's MacDonald's "Auntie Donalds". Anyway, it was such a nice weekend. I actually went out for a smoke at one point in a short-sleeved shirt!

My moods are all over the place still, and it's so frustrating. I'll start to feel fine, but still can't get my head around basic everyday concepts involved in managing a home. I know I'm an intelligent person, but sometimes the simplest concepts totally evade me. Then I feel stupid, and I feel as if people are looking at me as if I'm stupid...even my family. I am so easily overwhelmed by too much input that I shut down. It happens quite often (one or more times a week) that the basic noise of the household just throws me into a meltdown. For those of you with kids, you know that time of day when the kids have their crazy hour just about the time that Papa's getting home and Mom's trying to cook supper. I can't handle it!

Oh will I ever get relief from this madness,
this fire inside my brain?
Destroying my insides
and burning up my mind.

Little better...

I'm feeling a little more human today. Hey, I was dressed before 9AM, so that's a huge improvement. I didn't get a whole lot done in the house today, but I did manage to putter around the kitchen and the living room. Also, I spent a whole lot of time doing cross-stitch which is so therapeutic for me. Oh, I wish I had a little corner of the house just for cross-stitching where I have absolutely perfect lighting, and the most comfortable lounger chair in the world. Ha ha... maybe it's a good thing I don't have that little nook, Gilles wouldn't be able to get me to leave it.

I took the kids to get their vaccines updated today. Poor kids...I've been so negligient. Zach ended up having to have 4 needles, and poor little Mykah had to have 6 needles. I took them to MacDonalds to make up for it. Bad Mommy...Bad, bad, bad.

Tuesday..

Well, I'm not feeling quite so blah today, but I am still struggling to keep from being "pulled under by the current" I am thinking that I'd better find a therapist, and find one fast so I can start to learn better behaviours and though patterns. Hey, does anyone happen to know of anyone in the Pagan community who is also a licensed psycotherapist?

More on feelings...

Sometimes my thoughts are shrouded in darkness.
There is sadness, but the tears won't come.
Some days the pain is so deep,
cutting,
burning,
searing me on the inside of my brain.

There's a void within my body,
a black hole of emotions so deep
if I face them I run the risk of
falling,
failing,
losing my mind.

A description...

I'm feeling somewhat better today, although still not as good as I'd like. I did manage to get a few things done around the house, so at least that's an improvement. But now, I'd like to go to bed for the night...but the kids are still up, and it's not fair to leave my hubby with all the duties.

I don't know... I am just so tired of feeling like crap. It's like there's a bottomless pit at my solar plexus chakra...sometimes it feels like a black hole. I feel a spinning sensation there, and it makes me sick to my stomach. At those times, I also feel in my head as if my consciousness has been stuffed into a tiny little box just behind my face. I don't know if this makes sense, but it's the only way I know how to describe just some of what I feel.

Feeling low...

Okay, so I'm having a couple of blue days. Part of me is wondering if I'm fighting a cold or something, though. Yesterday all I could do was sleep (hubby took care of the kids). I slept from 1pm-5pm, then from 5:30PM-8PM, then I went back to bed at 9PM and slept right through until 7 this morning. I could probably still go back to bed and sleep some more, but Gilles is working, so I'm in charge of the kids, so that's out.

Well, I'll just try and keep the day as low-key as possible. I definitely will make a point to do some cross-stitch today as that always seems to help me relax.

Blech...

Oh I don't feel good emotionally today. I just feel bored with everything...like everything is dull and colorless. I think I am in mourning for the loss of my hypomania and the "excitement" it brought with it. Yes, I know it's not a good state to be in, but in a state of hypomania everyone and everything is beautiful, and life is exciting...full of adventure. In hypomania, even cleaning the house is exciting...I miss the euphoria.

To top it all off, I'm self-medicating...orange juice with...ahem...additives. Argh, I just can't cope with this. When the hell am I going to feel normal again? Will I ever feel normal again, or at least less bored with life? This is taking a toll on my marriage too. As hard as it is on me, I think it's doubly hard on Gilles. I can see my illness slowly sucking the life out of him, and I hate it. Well, I just have to make sure to get the info about therapy from my Psychiatrist at our next appointment. I will not be a victim...damn it I will fight this, and I will win!

Hooray...

Zachy is back to normal, and I was able to send him back to daycare today! He was excited to see his friends again too, so that was good. Wow, I might actually be able to get a few things done around here today. Woo Hoo!

Tuesday..

Zach seems to be on the mend, but I am still keeping him home from daycare until I'm sure he's fully better. He's full of beans and buggerment which is a good sign.

Today I will hopefully tackle some much needed decluttering, as it is time to start thinking about decorating for Yule. But I can't decorate until I do a few things around here. It shouldn't take too long, but we all know I have a motivation problem, right? I think this year I will add a string of lights to the garland on the mantle since I now have a place to plug it in that's inaccessible to the children. Aside from that, the only other decorating I really need to do is to put up the tree, but it's waaaaaay too early for that. This is the first time in a long time that I'm looking forward to decorating; I guess having a 4-year old helps. For the past 2 years we didn't decorate at all, but this year there's no way we'd get away with that. Zach is already trying to draw multiple pictures of Christmas/Yule trees, and he keeps asking when we're going to decorate. Now I just have to figure out where we put the decorations!

Fasting?

Okay, so I broke down and had food...luscious tomato and spinach pizza. See that's my problem with fasting since I still have to prepare food for other people. For some reason, they still want to eat...go figure. Ha ha... oh well, the pizza was really yummy and worth it!

Fasting...

That's right. I'm doing a semi-fast in an attempt to gain knowledge and control over my eating habits, and to develop self-discipline. Basically I'm allowing myself Coffee and Water, skimmed milk, and low calorie foods in moderation (fruits & veggies). Heh heh... as an added bonus, I've already lost 5lbs. Fasting is much more difficult than I anticipated, but I started learning things about my eating habits almost immediately. I eat when I'm bored, overwhelmed, or trying to put off doing things. Hmmm...it seems I smoke for the same reasons too. The more bored I get, the more intense the sugar cravings... sugar cravings also get bad if my emotions go off.

On the up side, since doing this, I am doing much more cross-stitch again (YAY), and I'm getting more done around the house! Muahahahaha... I might just become a Domestic Goddess yet!!!!