Longing...

Once again thoughts are bouncing around inside of my head, and this is the result:

Wrap your arms around me, just hold me for a while.

Run your fingers through my hair and I will surely smile.

Kiss away my inhibitions, remove every trace.

Oh how my heart melts when I am in your embrace!

You ignite within me a passionate flame,

every cell in my being calls out your name.

I search for you, I long for more

It is more intense than it was before.

EPIC stuff my son will say....

My son, Minion (yes, that is my youngest son's nickname) has been a constant source of comic relief for us over the course of his little life. He will say some of the craziest things sometimes that make you go, "WTF?" Minion at times is like a 65-year old man in a 7-year old body, and quite often he comes out with something that will just drop you to the floor laughing hysterically. On Saturday we had one of those moments... Minion was in a very silly mood, and was going on about how he can't wait to grow a moustache and how he will grow it very long and put gel in it and curl up the sides like an old Italian man (his words exactly). Then he proceeded to tell us how he would talk and walk when wearing said-styled moustache. We were already in stitches and I looked at The Man (husband) and said through my laughter, "Where the heck did we get this kid from again?" To which Minion, without missing a beat, pipes up, "You got me from the Pizza Store, Mom!" and breaks into singing his very own version of "Sexy and I know it" complete with mock Italian accent and a few "Mamma Mias" added in for good measure.

Yes, needless to say I nearly fell out of my computer chair, I was laughing so hard.

Charge of the Goddess for the Depressed Soul!

I was looking through my old journals again and I came across another entry where I channelled words of wisdom… Even from the beginning of my depression, the Lady was watching over me :D This is my journal entry from October 19, 2003 as I sat beside the lake at a friend’s house in Saint-Michel-des-Saints. These are the words the Goddess spoke to my wounded soul... may they uplift you and bring you light!

The silence here is deafening… the Lady has so much to show me; She has so much to say:

“I was with you then, as I am with you now. Do not worry, do not fear for I will guide you as you have asked. Beauty and happiness are all around you; just open your eyes and be willing to see it. Sometimes you may have to work to find it, but it is always there. Let go, be free… no longer shall the shackles of depression bind you… I am there for you and I will help you find the strength within to overcome your fears! You are a powerful, intelligent woman and I am in you. You are also Goddess! Never forget that the power to change is always within your reach! You are a good mother! You have the strength to do everything you need to do!

See that rock sitting in the water over there? So still… so strong! Your will and your spirit are thousands of times stronger… that is why you have been able to come so far! And I promise that you will find peace! Your soul and your mind will become more tranquil than the water in this lake is at this moment. You will come to a point where all is clear and focused. That is what this depression is about… sorting through the garbage, getting rid of what you don’t need, so you can find this tranquility. But don’t fight the process. Be brave and willing to face the ‘demons’ of your life. For if you face and confront them, they will no longer have power over you!”

Unspoken...

Was playing around with some thoughts and the following popped into my head..

If you could look into the depths of my soul, you would see the whisperings of my heart.

The feelings that reside there are beauteous works of sacred art.

I wish that I could take your hand and draw you very near,

And into your ear I’d whisper the words you long to hear.

“I love you, my beloved!”

But the words remain unspoken, a truth never to be revealed.

And deep within my spirit, must my secret love stay sealed.

This just in...Sock Monster Sighting.

My beloved friend Jessy sent me this picture the other day in an e-mail. She wrote, "Whilst opening my dryer mid-cycle, I managed to snap this photograph of the infamous Sock Monster, escaping to his lair; The Bermuda Sock Triangle..." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have actual documentation of the existence of the Sock Monster species that lives in everyone's dryers. As mentioned in the comments from the Mutant Mitten Troll post, I firmly believe that these two species are genetically related. Now that one has finally been spotted we must up the ante and try to apprehend one of these vile creatures for testing. Be vigilant! We will find a solution to this plague!

An Important Community Service Announcement...

I would like to take time now to bring your attention to a very serious problem that plagues the Elementary Schools in this region, and I am beginning to suspect may also be a problem as much as to the National level, but my sources have yet to confirm this. Lurking in the darkest recesses (pardon the pun) of our Elementary schools is an infestation of epic proportions. In the places where even the most conscientious janitor dares not to venture you will find colonies thriving. These nasty little creatures are not easily spotted by the human eye, and they do not discriminate as to who will be their next victim, however they do have a strong preference for the younger children. Yes, these creatures are every parent's worst nightmare.... the Mutant Mitten Trolls!!!!

Highly intelligent and cunning, these creatures prey on the mittens of distracted children. The Mutant Mitten Troll will patiently observe it's prey (all day if necessary) in order to find just the right moment to pounce and abscond with said prey sight unseen; at the time of attack the Troll emits a noxious gas, similar in smell to that of a child's fart in order to confuse and further distract anyone in the immediate area... in the middle of the confusion, he makes his attack swiftly and escapes. In most cases, the child won't even notice the mitten is gone until the end of the school day. Now having a mitten stolen by one of these trolls wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except for the fact that the Mutant Mitten Troll can only survive by eating only right-handed mittens...left-handed mittens are poisonous to the Troll and so he avoids them at all cost. Therefore you see the problem that then ensues at home because of this infestation. Children are constantly coming home with only their left- mittens... their right hands remain exposed to the elements and risk frostbite all because of these Mutant Mitten Trolls. We must find a solution to this problem... the sanity of many parents, and the warmth of our Children depend on it.

Thank you!

Acceptance...

Part of the process of healing has involved really loving myself and accepting myself as I am. Now that encompasses so many intricate levels. One of the biggest challenges I faced was the fact that the medications I used to take caused me to gain a ridiculous amount of weight which in turn began to take a serious toll on my state of health; I developed imbalances in my triglyceride levels, hypothyroidism, and sleep apnea. In the 6 months since I stopped taking the medication I am pleased to say that I have lost 34lbs, the sleep apnea is gone, my thyroid gland is functioning normally again without medication, and my triglyceride levels are back to normal. Hopefully I will continue to lose weight in order to continue to improve my overall health, as we all know the health risks that go hand in hand with being overweight. This past New Year's Eve I attended a party at a friend's house, and was encouraged to dance. Jessy managed to snap this picture, and I'm so glad she did. I proudly accept myself the way I am. I may not be perfect, but I am still beautiful. Thanks Jessy for helping me to be able to say that! It's nice to feel comfortable in my own skin again! I accept that I will never again look the way I did when in the Maiden phase of my life... instead I fully embrace the Mother Goddess aspect of my life and the beauty and voluptuousness of the body that comes with it!!!

More Meditation messages

On July 30, 2008 in another meditation I received the following message from my guides after pouring out my heart to them.

They said, " We are not asking, nor do we expect (or want you to) 'rock the boat' as you put it. We simply encourage you to discover what truly lies in your heart...to cease with suppressing and denying your inner Truth. By doing so, you free yourself from apathy, depression, anger, and rage. When you betray yourself, no matter the reason, you carry heavy weights and chains. We will help you, guide you, support you -- ask for our help always and then let us hold you in our loving embrace. We will carry you throughout the whole process. there is no need for radical life changes--we especially advise you against that. Just know what is in your heart, be honest with yourself. this will bring you inner peace and keep you on your true life's path. The darkness, the turmoil will pass, but you must release and accept your true feelings"

All I can say is WOW!

Healing...

I mentioned in one of my posts yesterday about how I have undergone a healing and transformation process over the course of the past few years that finally seemed to come full-circle in 2011. I now realize that this healing process began almost simultaneously with the diagnosis of the Bipolar disorder. On August 26, 2006 I posted about a series of wonky recurring dreams that I had been having where I would travel to a Chinese temple. At that temple a Chinese elder (whom I now believe was perhaps an Ascended Master) would work on me, knitting together the fibers within my brain…reorganizing and restructuring them to function properly. Now I would still have to deal with Doctors and medication, and struggle with an emotional roller-coaster for the next 5 years, but I believe healing was occurring, and I received confirmation of this fact almost 2 years after this dream.

On May 28, 2008 I found myself with a rare free moment where I chose to spend that time in meditation. I had forgotten to take my medication that morning, and as I meditated, I received a gentle nudge from my guides to go take them… as I argued the point with them (as stubborn people like me are apt to do) I also received a promise from them. They said, “It is important at this moment… for now, you need to take them (medication) as you’re supposed to . Do not worry about the rest. Your healing is happening. We are with you and we have begun the healing process, Dear One. But, for now, you still need the medications. Rest assured that the day will come when you will be free of this. Healing is happening on many levels, but for now you must continue with your treatment.” WOW! Of course the skeptic in me wondered if this were really true, or just wishful thinking on my part, so I asked for a sign. As my gaze fell across the yard to the boys’ swing-set, a male cardinal landed on the exact spot where I was looking. Even then I wondered, but I did get up to go take my meds.

That promise stuck with me, and from time to time I wondered how long it would be until it would come to pass…although part of me never expected it would be possible, and I almost even totally forgot about the promise I received that day. I focused on following my treatment and trying to improve myself every day…every day I had to fight through the fog of the medication-induced haze. Time passed and eventually my former Psychiatrist resigned his job and I was transferred to a new Psychiatrist...and that was a whole mess of shit. Every time I was scheduled to have an appointment with this new doctor, something managed to get in the way…one of the children came down with a fever… car broke down… and a couple of times the Doctor had to cancel. My opinion of her plummeted when I fought through my driving anxiety and got to the hospital for my 9:30 AM appointment one day only to be told that it had been cancelled. “Oh Madame, I called you at home but you didn’t answer. We called you just after 9AM!” Sure, fat lot of good that does when I live over an hour away and had to leave the house at 8AM just to be on time! Long story short, almost a year ended up passing without me ever having an appointment with this doctor. In May 2011 my prescription renewals were about to expire, and I called the Psychiatrist’s office (as I had been instructed to) in order to get the Dr. to call the pharmacy for a renewal. The secretary returned my call to inform me that the new doctor absolutely would not renew my meds because she had never met me and could not provide me with an appointment until at least a month after I would end up running out of medication. *NB: when I began taking the medications, it was drilled into my head that I should NEVER, ever stop taking the medication for any reason, and here my doctor was putting me in a situation where that’s exactly what I would be forced to do.

So I was forced to stop my medication over 6 months ago…I was scared…but I had no choice… I am proud to say that my head is clear, and I have been more stable than I have ever been in my life. It has been consistent, and it is wonderful.

Sisters...

For the longest time after my friendship with "Angel" ended, I thought perhaps I would never have such a friendship in my life again. Angel's frustrations with my behaviour (and her serious lack of knowledge regarding mental illness) led her to attack my character* and verbally vomit every single character flaw that pissed her off. Struggling with depression and self-loathing at the time, I took it all to heart, and for a while I truly believed that I was incapable of being a good friend to anyone. *Now here I must pause and address the fact that although Angel attacked my character, she did it directly to me. From what I can gather from bits and pieces of information that I learned over the years, I truly believe that she NEVER talked smack about me to other people behind my back after the fact. I recently had an e-mail conversation with a mutual acquaintance, Fleur, who has remained very close to her over the years. Fleur didn't even have a clue that Angel and I haven't spoken in years.

I still longed for female friends, and I also longed for a local coven to practice with. I finally found the Silver Roan Circle and went for coffee with MoonRaven (Créations Jessy) and WestWinds. We clicked instantly, but even after that I had a final struggle with depression that I had to get through before I would finally attend a Full Moon Ritual with them in the Spring of 2011. It took some effort on my part to get past the depression, and even on the night of the ritual I almost didn't go...I am so glad I did. As I began to practice regularly with them and get to know them outside of circle as friends I in turn began to blossom. In the summer 2011, another beautiful soul, Canu Sidhe, came into our lives and into our circle, and the bond with her is equally strong. I am so happy that I bit the bullet and fought through my depression to attend that first ritual even though I didn't feel like leaving the house because these women have become Sisters to me in every way. We have known each other for only a very short time, but it's as if we've known each other forever...it's hard to even remember what life was like without them!

Transforming...

Along with my "Bipolar" troubles, I was plunged into darkness and despair after losing my very best friend at the time, "Angel", a few years back. No, she didn't die, but our friendship did. She was driven away by the veil of darkness and narcissism that had taken a hold of my mind. It's funny how the worst experiences of our lives can be transformational. As difficult as losing her friendship was, it turned out to be the breaking point that opened my eyes and forced me to get the help I needed. I started to take responsibility for my illness which in turn allowed true healing to begin. The healing did NOT happen overnight... it has been very long process (several YEARS), but I have seen major milestones...results of that healing...in 2011. In my upcoming posts I will speak a bit about this transformation. As I mentioned in my first post today, I will try to break it down into bits and pieces so that nobody (including me) gets confused... at least I hope :D

REPOSTED: Morning Devotions

Until I can wrap my brain around exactly how to approach all of the topics I need to update, here is a bit of fun. I am reposting from one of my earlier entries sometime in 2008 (yeah, I forgot to note the date...oh well)

Jessy, I think you will love this one!

Morning Devotions...

Lovely Java,
Who art in my coffee pot,
Hallowed is your essence,
Your aroma and full-bodied flavor, good for my mind and my body
Give me today the ability to function
As my "engine" is having trouble to get going.
Java is my salvation, it keeps me awake,
It maketh my eyes pop open and my body to get going,
Yea though I wish to crawl back into my bed, it's caffeine content boosts me,
Help me to get through yet another morning;
For thine is the power to kick me in the butt, and to clear the cobwebs out of my brain.
Amen

<>
Okay, so maybe it's not a very good "poem", but it's true...

New Beginnings

My poor beautiful blog has been so horribly neglected...it's hard to believe that it has been over a year since I last posted. So I will have to spend some time bringing you up to date on the adventures of the Domestic Goddess in Training AKA WitchHazel. Since my last post, much has changed, but if I try to bring you up to date all in one posting, I fear you may become lost and confused...perhaps dare I say, even bored by my ramblings. So I will try to make my updates in small increments so as not to overwhelm you... heh heh... and so as not to overwhelm my own poor, erratic brain!

Off to school they go...

It's back to school time which would usually be a welcomed relief from the craziness of summer with both my boys home. But back to school this year was particularly difficult for me because my youngest started Kindergarten. It doesn't help that Mykah is still very small for his age...he will be 6 years old in December, but he's still about the size of your average 4-year-old. I've cried a little, and I'm still adjusting to being alone during the day... but I refuse to wallow. Instead, I am making the choice to be happy for Mykah (who makes it a little easier by being so excited to go to school). I choose to be excited, and I can't wait to see where Mykah's gifts and talents will emerge and flourish.

Because of the high heat and humidity this week, it's been a big challenge to keep myself occupied... it's just been too hot for housework, cooking/baking, exercising, and even cleaning (although I did manage to take care of a couple of chores that just HAD to be done). Thankfully, the weather is supposed to cool down after today, so that will help.

Domestic War-Zone...

It seriously looks like someone set off an A-bomb inside of my house! The giant killer dustbunnies have taken up arms and are holding me hostage!!!

Okay, okay, so maybe I can't truly blame it on the killer dustbunnies (although I'm sure I heard them under my bed this morning whispering plots of world domination) but my house truly does look like a war-zone. Oh the tragedy... what a mess!

The good news is that my medication has been working well, which means that I've been more or less balanced... the Bipolar mood swings are more stable than ever. Ironically, the good news is also the bad news because life without even the mild Bipolar highs is BORING!!!!!! Mild hypomania used to be the catalyst for some very excellent, focused housecleaning, but since I no longer seem to have even the slightest hypomania whatsoever, I feel lost.

Beautiful Spring!!!

The beautiful weather we've been having lately is so encouraging. I am pretty sure that Spring is here to stay because the floorboards in my house are usually more reliable at predicting Spring than any groundhog! What happens is that every year as Spring arrives, the gaps between the floorboards widen slightly. We noticed last week that this had started to happen, and last year it didn't start until early April. YAY!!!

The snow is melting quickly, so it will soon be time to begin the process of cleaning up our yard. Having a 15,000 sq.ft. property with about 20 trees (and most of them are oak trees), we have a lot of work ahead of us because of fallen branches, acorns, and leaves that fell too late last year. Once that is done, then I can start garden projects... and planting!

Morning Glories of assorted colors are a MUST for my flowerbeds in the front yard, and since I used up the last of my seeds last year, I put them on my shopping list to make sure I wouldn't forget. Little did I know, my husband read my list when I wasn't looking, and my sweetheart went out on Saturday and bought the Morning Glory seeds for me (he knows just how much I love them). Now that I have the seeds, my next challenge will be to have something for the vines to climb. In the past I would simply buy a type of plastic netting that we'd staple to the roof, but I want to go with an environmentally friendly option this year and so I will attempt to build some sort of trellis from the fallen branches we pick up from the yard. Gilles thinks it's a dumb idea... he thinks it will be ugly and when I told him I would need the branches, he actually had the nerve to try and tell me I couldn't do it in the front yard. I told him "since I am the one who plans and plants the flower beds I will do as I damned well please. Anyway, I wasn't asking your permission; I was informing you of what I am going to do, so don't throw out the friggin' branches!" Argh... Men!

Spring Break!

So Zachary is on Spring Break, and while it's nice to have both boys at home, they are also driving me nuts. For example, this morning I woke up to the two of them screaming at each other over stupid Mini-Go yogurts! Now I don't do mornings well at the best of times and the kids KNOW that, so to for me to wake up to such screaming is a really bad thing. So when I flew into the kitchen, my hair all disheveled, their screaming stopped, and they got that "Oh, Shit!" look on their faces... and they scattered. Yeah, it's funny now after I've had my 3 tankards-full of coffee. Needless to say, the screaming stopped and they were very quiet and well-behaved for the next 2 hours. YES! It may have taken me 7 years to do it, but I think I'm finally mastering the "Mom's look of death." It is such a beautiful tool. Muahahaha... I have the power to stop them dead in their tracks with a mere look... I feel so omnipotent!!!!

Yesterday...bad, bad, bad...

I woke up yesterday morning with the usual dense fog inside my brain, although it was one of my worse brain-fogs as it was affecting my depth perception too, I think. I poured myself a large mug of coffee (holds 3-cups worth of coffee), and sat on the couch to watch Canada AM and to contemplate my coffee as is my usual routine. Zachary needed me to help him fix the collar of his shirt, so I put my mug on the coffee table (or so I thought)... as I reached to fix his shirt, my mug of coffee toppled to the floor, spilling the precious morning elixer all over the floor, and causing the sacred coffee vessel (mug) to break...grrrrrrrrrrrrr. It was going to be a difficult day; I went out for a smoke.

Now, you'd think that when I saw the huge raven circling above my head I would have realized that my day would turn out to be a little worse than I had expected, but what can I say... without my first 3-cups of coffee being in my body, I was not very sharp at that point. Although I did know my offense against the java gods would more than likely come with a price...but more about that later.

Anyway, the rest of the day was mediocre. Around 4pm I had to go pick up Zach from an after-school activity, and since Gilles wasn't home yet, Mykah had to come too. We arrived a little earlier than I anticipated which meant we had to wait for Zach's activity to finish. While we were waiting, didn't Mykah slip and fall on the wet floor, hitting his head on the metal frame on the window! Yeah, split open his head, lots of blood... Mykah was freaking out (so was mommy on the inside). The freaky thing is that it's almost in the exact same location as when he did the same thing last year. Poor little guy... but he was sooooo good at the clinic, and 4-stitches later he's fine.

Oh yeah, as for the spilled coffee... my penance was having to go a full day without fresh coffee because my HUSBAND FORGOT TO BUY THE GROUND COFFEE!!! I had to drink crappy decaf instant coffee.... believe me, it was sheer torture! Double grrrrrrrr...

But all is well now... he arrived home today with 2 big tins of coffee... now I'm very happy! The java gods are forgiving once the divine life-lesson has been learned! Don't waste the damned coffee!!!!:D

Pending choices...

I am pretty sure that 2010 is going to be a very busy year for my family. Thankfully I can ease into it gently as I don't expect things to go full-throttle until the Fall when Mykah will start Kindergarten... will I go back to work right away, and if so, will I work full-time or part-time?

For now, I just plan to enjoy the remainder of Mykah's time home with me... honestly, I was blessed with him because he's so easy-going that it's a pleasure to have him with me all the time. I can take him anywhere (shopping, doctor, etc), and I know it won't be a problem because he's remarkably patient and well-behaved for his age... it really is amazing.

Whoa...

Where on earth has the time gone? How did it get to be August so fast?
Well, having Z home for the summer has not been as crazy as I had feared. At first, it was pretty crazy with the boys squabbling almost constantly, but after the first week or so things calmed down as the boys got used to being together during the day again.

Now, if I can just get it into their heads that the toads from our yard don't like living in their bedrooms, we'll all get along just fine! :D