Welding...

It's so nice to be excited about what I'm doing for once in my life.  My eyes pop open every morning, and I'm excited to go to school.  We are learning new and interesting things... things that I could never have imagined that I'd be doing (AND enjoying) only a couple of short years ago.  For example, we started our soudage a l'arc (arc welding) course this week, and to my pleasant surprise, I really enjoyed it and it turns out that I also have the potential to become very good at welding.

The Man laughed condescendingly when I originally told him I'd be learning welding... he just couldn't imagine me doing it.  He actually tried to put me off of it... although he'd say he was just trying to prepare me for something he assumed I would hate.  He was also so sure that I'd be very bad at it.  So I snapped a picture of some of the practice work I did MY FIRST TIME WELDING EVER.

The Man's jaw dropped when he saw my work.  Apparently his first welding practice didn't look anywhere near as good as this.  Once again he had to eat his words!!!

The Greatest of Gifts

One of my homework assignments for my course is to prepare an oral presentation about why I chose this career path... I will be presenting this in front of my class on Wednesday.  When I finished writing it, I had the Man read through it before translating it for feedback as to whether it's any good.  Unfortunately he couldn't speak after reading it because it moved him to tears (which is a very rare occurrence).  And so I decided to share it here as well.

The Greatest of Gifts
"Since I have almost no past experience with horses, I have decided to speak to you more about why I decided to take this course.  In order to be able to better understand why I’m here, you first need to understand a little bit about the proverbial road that brought me to this path.  So let me paint a picture for your mind.

Now I would like you all to imagine a woman who’s eyes are full of sadness and pain.  Lost in a haze of medications that the doctors said she would have to take for the rest of her life; her brain had become her number one enemy and her body was quickly following suit.  A mere shadow of the woman she once was… a mere shadow of the woman who stands before you today.  I was merely existing, and rapidly losing the will to live until a simple day out with good friends helped to completely start turning things around.

This is Leya, and this first day spent with her involved a little bit of riding, but also just spending time with Leya, brushing her, being near her.  It was a wonderful experience, but it is the long-term after-effects, of my time spent with her, that is truly amazing.  In the weeks and months that followed, my thought processes started to clear.  I was finally able to get off the medications that had clouded my mind for far to many years.  My energy levels increased slowly, I struggled less and less with depression, and I finally started to lose weight (slowly and steadily), and I rediscovered my joie-de-vivre.  You may wonder what mental illness has to do with horses… well, in my case it has EVERYTHING to do with my choice to be here.  I truly believe that Leya helped to save my life.

I had always dreamed of working with horses, but never thought that it could become a reality.  About a week after my visit with Leya, we found the ad in the local paper for this course with the centre des moissons, and I just knew that I had to find out more.  I attended the information session in the Fall of 2011, and although I needed extra time before registering, I knew it was something I was meant to do. 

Now the doors are wide open, and there are so many possibilities available to me once I complete this course.  I have an idea of where I want to go, but it’s too early for anything concrete… I must leave my options open.  One thing I am 100% certain of, though, is that I hope to have the opportunity in the future to work with horses in a way that can help other people suffering from mental illness, mood disorders, learning disorders, etc.  I am a living example of the therapeutic effect that horses have on humans, and I want to be able to share that gift with others. 

Horses have given me a greater gift than I could ever have hoped for.  They have given me back my fire, my passion for life.  So it is only natural that I now move forward and invest my passion in giving back to them; to enrich their lives as they have enriched mine!"

Epic craziness...

School has been in full swing for a little under 2 weeks now for me, and my head is just swimming with information.  I am pleased to report that the French has not been as overwhelming as I had originally feared it would be... instead, I'm finding that already my French has started to improve by leaps and bounds.  Now I know it's true that the best way to learn/improve a language skill is the proverbial "sink or swim" method!!!

Yesterday we started the portion of the course that will teach us maintenance and driving a tractor.  Today, we took a closer look at some of the basics like how to check the radiator fluid, oil, and transmission fluid.  Yes, we had to climb up on the wheel of the tractor (not an easy feat for someone with short legs like me, I might add ) and get a little dirty... heh heh... it felt pretty good.  A couple of the other students got to drive the tractor today, but since there were 10 of us and only 1 tractor, not everyone got a turn today.  Hopefully 2 other tractors will be ready on Tuesday so that the rest of us can get a turn.  But ACK... the tractor is a manual transmission...it's a little intimidating for me, but I really think this is going to be fun!!!!!

First Day of School for me...

School started officially for me today with a trip to Expo Champs in St-Liboire.  It's basically an agricultural Expo where different people in the domain provide information and services.  It was quite overwhelming as there was so much to see, but also very interesting.  I now have brochures for educational purposes coming out of my ears so to speak... LOL  I even got a free standard size loaf of whole-grain bread from a specialized manufacturer.  There was so many different types of agricultural/farming equipment on display...  this one huge machine for processing cereal grains was particularly impressive.
This is the view from up top of the back of the machine...

This picture was taken in the driver's seat... yes, I think I'll do pretty well driving a tractor :D

Backfire... WitchHazel 1; The Man 0

The Man hasn't been very supportive of me in regards to the course I will be taking.  He keeps saying that he just can't visualize me doing maintenance on tractors, shovelling horse shit or anything like that.  Today he decided to be a smart-ass and tried to prove his point by asking me if I wanted to "learn" to change the oil on the car... little did he know is that I learned how to change the oil on a car before I ever even met him, and his plan totally backfired on him.  The look on his face was priceless when I competently changed the oil on the car with confidence all by myself.  The only help I needed from him was to loosen the bolt in order to drain the oil because we didn't have a longer ratchet handle and I couldn't get enough torque (he even had trouble loosening the damned bolt).

Needless to say that now he was forced to admit that perhaps he was mistaken in his original opinion.

And so it begins...

This past Thursday I attended the orientation session at the CFP des Moissons which is the school through which I will be taking my Animal Production course.  I met the teachers, and learned a lot more about the type of things I will be learning throughout my training.  All I can say is WOW... it is a little daunting as there is so much to learn, but basically by the end of this course it looks like I will not only be able to more than competently care for horses, but I will also be a little bit of a "jack of all trades".  I will learn to drive a forklift, drive a tractor, and maybe even a truck.. I will know how to grow good quality food for the horses... right down to being able to accurately calculate how much fertilizer I'll need to prepare the field for planting.  I will learn basic plumbing, welding, "oxycoupage", maintenance and repair of farm equipment, and so much more...

My classes start on Tuesday, and although I'm nervous as to how I'll handle the new schedule and all the work (especially because my courses are ALL in FRENCH) , I am very, very, very excited

Progress...

The past year has been a year of major progress for me in terms of physical and mental health.  I have been free of medications for a year now, and I'm happy to say that I'm doing very well.  Since this time last year, I have lost 55 lbs, and I hadn't even realized just how much of a physical transformation had taken place until I saw a picture of myself that was taken over the July 1st holiday weekend this year and then compared it with pictures taken over the same weekend in 2011.  And now I share them as a reminder to myself of how far I have come, and to encourage others that transformation is indeed possible.

ahhhhh... sometimes change is very, very good!!!!!

Sheela Na Gig

The drummer starts the pounding beat,
Goddess, Sheela Na Gig, descends...

She is sensual, provocative, erotic,
she's your lover, and your best friend.

She smiles coyly and beckons you into the circle; you are caught up in her trance.
Your body pulses with the beat of the drum as you join the rapturous dance.

She commands your respect, she intrigues you...
From her, your eyes can not be torn..

And as one you follow the beat of the drum into the wee hours of the morn...

WitchHazel...

Jessy, wrote this very sexy poem dedicated to me.  Thank you, my dear, sweet sister, it is beautiful and oh so very naughty...I love it, and I am honoured!!!!

WitchHazel

◊

She stands before them, a crowd of men

Reciting a piece of prose she’d penned.

Her heart and soul spills from her lips

But she knows. She knows,

What they want are her hips…

◊

The lights are dimmed, candles are lit

There’s not a sound in the room but the clock’s tic… tic… tic…

From somewhere begins the slow beat of a drum,

She feels the shift; her body, it hums.

◊

The drummer begins to quicken the beat.

WitchHazel quickens the dance of her feet

Her hips, they roll. her breasts they heave

The crowd is panting, no-one speaks.

◊

The temptress has awoken. She is alive, in the flesh.

She is dancing, and slithering, and flaunting her chest.

Her skin is on fire, her body is hot

The men shift in their seats to make room for their cocks…

◊

Yet…

◊

The beat slows down, the song comes to an end.

And the men all pray she’ll come dance again…

And here is a picture of the Temptress at Litha:

Video of me Singing...

Here's a bit of fun from my night out.  It's been years since I sang in front of a microphone, because my nerves started to get the better of me in front of large crowds.  So when I found a quiet little Karaoke bar not far from my home, I thought I'd give singing a shot again.  There was only 1 other client in the bar as well as the bartender when I sang this, so nerves weren't such an issue.  WOOT!  In this video I'm singing All That Jazz from the musical Chicago.  Now it's not a perfect rendition, but at least it was decent enough so that anyone listening won't suffer too badly.

Intentions...

If your intention was to deceive,
Then to your pain, you shall find no relief.
But if the words you spoke were true,
Then goodness and happiness will come to you.

If you lied and manipulated me,
May Hell descend upon you three times three.
But if everything you told me was real
Then on your behalf to the Gods I appeal
that they bring peace into your life.

Your true intentions will now be shown
You will reap what you have sown.
If the truth is all you spoke to me,
you have nothing to fear, so mote it be!
May this spell not reverse or place upon me any curse.

Horses... and Oh Shit I'm Going to DIE

Today my body is HATING me.  I am aware of muscles I didn't even know I had.  Everything hurts and yet all I keep thinking is, "It was so worth it!!!"  Yesterday the boys and I had a lovely day spent at WestWind's family farm.  WestWinds started teaching me basic caring for the horses... how to lead a horse properly, cleaning out the hooves, and how to tack-up a horse (put on the bridle and saddle, etc.).  I also got to do a bit of riding in the round pen on Leya.  Now this was only my second time up on a horse, so I have A LOT left to learn.
What we unfortunately didn't capture in a picture or even on video was from my first time up on Leya yesterday.  Getting a feel for riding, there is so much to remember and as a beginner, my body's natural tendency is to tense up especially when the horse starts to move faster... which ironically was also actually a cue to the horse making her think I wanted her to go faster..  as I tensed up, I also made the mistake of pulling my knees up too much so as Leya went into a trot or maybe even as fast as a canter, I bounced right out of the saddle... Yes, I FELL OFF THE HORSE.  As I felt myself falling to the left of her, I tried to stop the fall by grabbing the right side of the saddle...  I didn't manage to stop the fall, but did somehow manage to get my finger caught in the saddle... and as my body was falling to the left and my hand was caught on the far right, all I remember thinking was "OH SHIT!!!!!!"  Yeah, you know one of those "Oh Shit" moments where you start to see your life pass before your eyes!  Ironically I actually ended up landing on my feet, but every muscle in my body got wrenched, and luckily Leya is a calm horse because if she had bolted while my hand was still caught in the saddle, my elbow probably would have snapped!  I am proud to say that I got back up to ride her again TWICE after I fell.  I am sore and bruised, but I also feel great.  Now I will have to forever endure the good-natured teasing from my friends because Leya is such a good-natured horse it's apparently quite the feat to have managed to fall off of her.

On another note, I also made another equine friend yesterday too.  I fell in love with this big boy!

Fate = Bullshit

I no longer believe in destiny like I once did.  Recently I have learned an important lesson that has perhaps woken me up to face the reality that Fate is complete BULLSHIT.  Fate does exist... destiny puts people and situations in our path... things that could turn out very well for us if we make the right choices.  But that is the catch... the fine-print so to speak.  Free will plays a much larger role in the grand scheme of things... Fate may have wonderful plans for us, but we have choices to make... and by making the wrong choices, we are capable of totally FUCKING up what destiny has set before us on our path.  The Universe sets situations and special people on our path, and it is up to us to choose whether to accept what Fate gives us.  When fear and procrastination get in the way... when we take too long to make the difficult choices, we slap Fate in the face and say, "Fuck you, I am not interested in the good things that you lay before me."  What pathetic creatures we are.  To throw such gifts away... to refuse happiness when it is handed to us all because we are too afraid to take a risk... too afraid to change what we are used to... too afraid to let go of what we know and what is comfortable... too afraid to embark on a new and wonderful adventure that could bring immense happiness to our lives.  We are creatures of habit, and have the tendency to cling to the things we know.., to cling to the familiar even when the familiar is harmful and toxic to us.  Why do we punish ourselves so?

Wrong...

I'm so tired of trying to pretend that everything is okay.  Nothing is okay right now.  Yet I still have to put on a brave face and pretend that I'm fine when I'm not!!!  Nothing is right.  When you came back into my life you showed me what had been missing all these years... and now that we have to be apart, the emptiness you have left me with is overwhelming.  How patient do I have to be before the gods decide it has been enough?  How much do I have to hurt before I get relief?  I know you are going through hell too right now, and I am hurting for you.  All I want is to be able to hold you in my arms... I want to look into your gorgeous eyes and just rest in the beauty of the relationship that we have.  I know you came back into my life for a very good reason... what I don't understand is why you had to be taken away from me again so soon?  It is hell to love someone so much and to not be able to  be with them...talk to them... hold them...The worst part is that I know you feel the same way and yet it still has to be like this.  This is so wrong.

2012 Garden

What a gorgeous long weekend we had.  The weather was absolutely beautiful, and it was time to get the vegetable garden and the herb garden planted.  I keep it really simple for now, although eventually I would like to do more.  So in terms of vegetables, I will have a TON of tomatoes... we eat them like mad around here, especially in the summer when we can get them fresh.  I will have tomatoes GALORE!  If I find I am drowning in tomatoes when they ripen, I may just have to sell some!  I also decided to try out planting some leeks this year, although I am concerned they may not quite make it due to a *ahem* "mishap" with the lawnmower.  Although since the roots of the leeks are still fully intact after said mishap, I am hoping they will still pull through :D  The picture below shows a portion of the vegetable garden... after this picture was taken, I also added some eggplants, and will also be planting lettuce once I buy the seeds.

My herb garden is mostly planted in a very large container.  This year I have garlic chives, estragon (sorry, don't know the English term so it's the French name), standard basil, dwarf basil, creeping thyme, curled parsley, coriander, sage, and I'm trying to grow some garlic too.  

I also am attempting to grow lavender again this year.  I used to have a gorgeous, HUGE lavender plant in my back yard that also fell victim to... yes... a lawnmower "mishap"... totally not my fault!  since then, I have had the worst luck with lavender, but that was trying to grow it in a container in the house... just can't seem to do it. so this year I bought 3 lavender plants and will plant them in 3 different places on my property.  Hopefully they will all do well... I will be happy if at least 1 of them survives.

What we regret in the end...

This is not my property; I do not own these words or this image.  But the words hit home and I had to share it.

Tears...

An endless flood of tears wells up from deep inside.
Grief and sorrow overwhelm me over lost love we left behind.
I long to hold you in my arms, to see your beautiful face,
My heart is broken, damaged...something that cannot be replaced.

I wish that I could stop the tears,
but I know this wound will haunt me for years.
I will never be the same.

Instructions for life by the Dalai Lama

1.Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2.When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3.Follow the three R’s:
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others and
- Responsibility for all your actions.
4.Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5.Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6.Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7.When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8.Spend some time alone every day.
9.Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10.Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12.A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13.In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14.Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15.Be gentle with the earth.
16.Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17.Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18.Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19.If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
20.If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
~♥♥•*❤~ℒℴ℣ℇ~`❤*•♥♥ ~



The wisdom of these words are comforting right now. I am hurting, but have already forgiven the person who hurt me. I do know in my heart that it was a very difficult choice for them, and one they didn't want to have to make. I will always love that person... that person will always hold a very special place in my heart. I just miss that person very much. Hamlak atas tayriw, always... whether you are in my life or not. Find happiness...create joy in your life, no matter what you have to do... Just be happy!!!

Stupidity...

My friend, Jessy, suggested that I use my writing to express myself in order to help me to deal with the crap I'm feeling right now.  Sure it's a great idea, but I'm struggling with the courage to actually write what I'm feeling.  Once it's out there, I can't take it back, and with the hurt and anger I'm feeling, will I write something that I may later regret?  But I guess the most important thing is that I do what I need to do in order to get through this... it's most important that I deal with the hurt in a way that will help me to heal, instead of internalizing it and allowing it to harm me.  There is a part of me that doesn't want to write for fear of offending this other person if my perception of this situation is wrong...  but is it worth avoiding offending someone else at my own expense?  I must be true to myself first, and if I'm wrong and if this person is after all the type of person I originally thought they were, then they will be able to look at things from my point of view and truly understand why I am feeling this way.

I made the mistake of trusting in someone when I knew that I shouldn't.  I allowed myself to become vulnerable emotionally to this person, fully knowing from past experience how things would turn out.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....  So I am angry at myself because I knew better.  Yes, it's complicated... knowing better doesn't always stop us from caring for someone, even when they don't deserve it.  My friend WestWinds told me that one of my most beautiful qualities is my capacity and willingness to love people so completely.  But that same quality is a double-edged sword, and it hurts like hell every time I fall upon the blade.  I try to see the good in people, I try to be honest, and naively I believe their pretty speech, I assume they will treat me with the same respect that I initially give to them... I want to believe others are as honest with me as I try to be with them...  it would better serve me to look at their actions because therein lies their truth.  Actions speak louder than words, and if a person's actions don't match what they are saying to you, then their words have no meaning whatsoever.

The sad thing is that even after all of this, I still love this person immensely.  A part of me STILL wants to believe that they weren't trying to deceive me.  Even worse is that there is still a part of me that also hopes the day will come where this person will prove all of my present doubts to be wrong... part of me hopes that they will be able to one day prove to me that they really did mean every word they said.  How stupid is that, eh?

Broken...

My heart is broken, shattered in two
Once again I had to say goodbye to you.
Yet despite my pain, I don't regret
Though I should have told you, "No, not yet"
You say you'll come back; I don't know if that's true
Time will tell if you love me as much as you say you do?