Valentine's day

I had such a nice Valentine's Day. Gilles came home with a rose for me (I love red roses), and Sushi for supper... yummmmm. I am a sushi-whore! It was as romantic as it could be with 2 pre-schoolers running around ha ha..

I love my sweetie so much. I'm so grateful to have you, babe!

WOW!!!

I am feeling absolutely incredible! My emotions have finally stabilized thanks to the new medication, and I'm a functioning person again. Now I just have to work hard to break some bad habits I developed all the years I was not well. But I love a challenge.

Mykah is a full-fledged walker, and he's already attemting to run. It's so funny to see him walking because he's so small. Finding pants for him is still a challenge; his legs are so short that he can still wear 9month pants. He's cute as a button and smart as a whip.

Transitions...

It's official... Mykah is finally making the transition to toddler. At 25 months old, he is finally starting to walk independently! And although it means double-checking all the new things he can reach to make sure everything is still child-proof, because a toddler can get into so much more trouble (ha ha), Gilles and I are thrilled.

Mykah is absolutely thrilled with himself too. He comes walking into the room and goes, "hi Di di" (this is what he calls me...I don't know why). He even walks short distances carrying toys, and his confidence is great. He's got a bit of a limp, but I think that will go when he has the surgery to correct his right foot.

I'm so happy!

My return to the human race...

I am finally starting to feel normal again! I think we may have hit the right levels of the right medication for my brain! It's as if I've been in a fog for the past 5 years, and it's finally lifted. I am able to concentrate enough to actually start reading again, and I am so happy about that; I've read 3 books in the past week alone.

I am interacting better with my children; I am actually enjoying them all the time now. I've also been able to manage to take over some more of the housework without feeling overwhelmed. Now, I'm also keeping my kitchen clean all the time, cooking meals (and planning leftovers for hubby's lunches), laundry, keeping bathrooms clean, etc. All of this was on my husband's plate before because I couldn't concentrate enough to handle it, so now he's got less responsibility and less stress, and I'm more satisfied by my daily accomplishments. Yay!!!!!

Bad news...

It looks like GoodYear will be laying off 900 people, and, of course, this will affect my husband. As far as we know now, he will work until March 30th, and then that's it. It's stressful, but he seems confident he will easily find another job. There are many options open, so I think it's just a matter of deciding which one will be best for our family.

Things are going well...

First, we celebrated Mykah's 2nd birthday on December 25th. I can't believe my baby's already 2 years old. Since he's so small for his age, I sometimes forget how old he is. He's still not walking independantly yet, but he is cruising around on the furniture quite a bit, and occasionally takes a couple of steps without holding on. He is trying his hardest, and I've accepted that he will just walk when he is ready to do so, and not a moment before!

I am starting to feel better and better; I think we are finally getting somewhere with my medications. I still get tired very easily, though, but I think that's due to a lack of proper exercise which I intend to change very soon!

First 2007 post...

Okay, where do I start? After a bad end to 2006 what with me going into a bad depression, self-medicating with alcohol, and things just getting bad, things are really starting to look up.

First, I saw my Psychiatrist on Dec 21st, and he did a complete rearrangement of the meds and told me to stop drinking. Okay, I didn't listen to that part which led to my loving family giving me an ultimatum (Thank you, I'm so glad you love me so much). Which in turn led to me stopping the drinking (it also helped that my hubby hid the vodka and took away my car keys) No, I was not driving under the influence, he just didn't want me to be able to go buy more booze.

Stop drinking, and the medication has a chance to work properly. There was one medication he prescribed to help me sleep that I had to stop taking because it was just keeping me in a Zombie-like state. I've been starting to feel a little bit better every day this week! Yay!

Today, I feel like a million bucks! My kitchen is pretty much spotless, and I've done 4 loads of laundry (put it away too) on top of that. I really pray that this is me starting to feel better and not just another manic phase starting!

Christmas with Mom and the kids

We had a nice day, although pretty quiet. Christmas just isn't the same when my sister is not here. The kids loved their toys, though. And I hit the jackpot, because my hubby bought me season 1 & 2 of Gray's Anatomy.... I am so, so, so happy with that gift!

Overall I'm feeling better with just one slight problem. The Clonazepam that I'm taking to help with the anxiety does in fact help...but it makes me so drowsy it's ridiculous! I'm hoping my body will adjust to it or else we will have to find another solution!

Thank you!!!

Thank you Gods; with the help of my new medication, I actually had 8 hours of uninterrupted, restful sleep last night, and this morning I feel great! So "All hail the Gods of Flurazepam!" I feel good...I feel really good... I actually feel as if I will get things accomplished today. I'm so happy!

Good news and bad news...

The good news and the bad news is that I could end up going into a high over the holidays, according to my doctor. He's made some fairly drastic changes to my meds which will do me some good in the long run, but could send me slightly manic... Bring it on! I've been so depressed lately that a bout of hypomania would be a welcome relief for a change!

So I continue on the Paxil, I increase the Valproic Acid, I will be stopping the Risperdal and the Lithium, and he's added an anti-anxiety and an anti-insomnia

So overall it's good news, although I may drive my family nuts if I do go into mania... oh well, at least I'll have the energy to help out in the kitchen!

Fast approaching...

Oh yes, the day is quickly approaching. Around here we celebrate on the 25th, just because that's what everyone is used to, and our families do the Christmas thing. I will do my own thing for Yule tomorrow night. Anyway it really doesn't make a difference to me, because whether you do Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever, the main theme is basically the same or similar.

My son Zach is all excited for Santa Claus to come and leave him presents, and I can't wait to see the kids opening their presents on Christmas morning. They're both at a good age where they'll get all excited, ripping open the packages with squeals of delight....although knowing my boys, the squeals will be much louder...more like ear-piercing shrieks of delight. All the better.

Also, Zach is excited, because he gets two Christmases this year. One on the 25th at home, and one on the 31st at my Mom's. Mom will be coming out on the 25th to open presents with us, but my sister is in Michigan with her husband for Christmas this year, so we'll exchange gifts with her on the 31st. Zachy asks me every day when his TeeTee (my sister) will be home; he is very close with her and misses her fiercely. We're doing a count-down with him on the calendar for the days until she comes home, and it seems to be helping.

Finally...

I think I'm finally coming out of my latest funk. It's about time too, because it was getting pretty bad. Thanks to Aurora for her loving advice on my LJ site as it was very helpful!

Although my motivation to do things is still lagging, and least I am starting to accomplish a few small things again. I am however in laundry hell as I allowed it to get backed up... I think I will be folding clothes until Christmas. Hmmm... maybe that's a sign that it's time to purge wardrobes... well, we'll see; I'm not that ambitious yet. One day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time is what I need to focus on.

Poetry

Please forgive my feeble attempts at poetry. I'm experimenting with trying to find a creative means of expression for my crazy up and down emotions:

Help me for I'm falling fast,
I think my sanity will not last.
My mind wanders, goes blank, and hurts me;
the pain is too much to bear.

The elixer will help ease the pain.
The sweet nectar will make it better,
or at least make it so that I don't care.

I am reaching break-neck speed
and I don't know what waits for me at the bottom.
I'm sure my fate is not good,
and I will come out not unscathed, but broken!

My Weekend...

Okay, first of all, I'm depressed because it looks like I won't be getting Charlotte the Wolfhound afterall. She's such a sweetie that the people who are currently fostering her may decide to keep her... Yes, I was in tears when they gave me that news!

Apart from that, the weekend was pretty nice. My mom and sister don't let me any time to be depressed; they do their best to keep me busy. On Saturday, we went out to help decorate the church my Mom attends. I wasn't so excited at the prospect of that, but it meant a lot to my mom. Anyway, we ended up having a lot of fun...good food and good conversation! I decided I liked these people when I saw two bottles of wine on the table, and one of the ladies offered me a glass... heh heh.

Sunday was the Santa Claus Parade in Deux Montagnes, and we bundled up the kids and walked approximately 10 blocks to see the parade. Conclusion: I really need to get out and walk more, because the walk nearly killed me! The kids had a great time, the dogs froze. It was so funny. Goliath was so cold that my sister had to bundle him up inside her sweater. Poor Goliath.

Possible new addition...

We may be getting a new addition to our family. Her name is Charlotte , and she is an Irish Wolfhound mix. I met her today, and she is such a sweetheart. She's very calm, very friendly. Also, she totally looks like a wolfhound, but she's about the size of a Golden Retriever. We're going to foster her on a trial basis before making the decision to adopt her. I'm so excited.

Test results are in.

I saw the neurosurgeon at the MCH for Mykah today. His CT Scan was normal. Woo Hoo!!! However the doctor wants to have an MRI done to check a few other things out. But at this point I'm relieved, and not worrying anymore.

The weekend.

Overall, it was a decent weekend. My sister's husband was up from Michigan (long story), so it was great to visit with him. We get along really well, and I miss having him around. Zachy spent the whole day at the neighbours' house with his Titi and Spanky. He was thrilled to be with the neighbours who he calls Auntie Johns and Kimmie...LOL... he's still not totally clear on the concept of Aunt and Uncle; That's okay, he call's MacDonald's "Auntie Donalds". Anyway, it was such a nice weekend. I actually went out for a smoke at one point in a short-sleeved shirt!

My moods are all over the place still, and it's so frustrating. I'll start to feel fine, but still can't get my head around basic everyday concepts involved in managing a home. I know I'm an intelligent person, but sometimes the simplest concepts totally evade me. Then I feel stupid, and I feel as if people are looking at me as if I'm stupid...even my family. I am so easily overwhelmed by too much input that I shut down. It happens quite often (one or more times a week) that the basic noise of the household just throws me into a meltdown. For those of you with kids, you know that time of day when the kids have their crazy hour just about the time that Papa's getting home and Mom's trying to cook supper. I can't handle it!

Oh will I ever get relief from this madness,
this fire inside my brain?
Destroying my insides
and burning up my mind.

Little better...

I'm feeling a little more human today. Hey, I was dressed before 9AM, so that's a huge improvement. I didn't get a whole lot done in the house today, but I did manage to putter around the kitchen and the living room. Also, I spent a whole lot of time doing cross-stitch which is so therapeutic for me. Oh, I wish I had a little corner of the house just for cross-stitching where I have absolutely perfect lighting, and the most comfortable lounger chair in the world. Ha ha... maybe it's a good thing I don't have that little nook, Gilles wouldn't be able to get me to leave it.

I took the kids to get their vaccines updated today. Poor kids...I've been so negligient. Zach ended up having to have 4 needles, and poor little Mykah had to have 6 needles. I took them to MacDonalds to make up for it. Bad Mommy...Bad, bad, bad.

Tuesday..

Well, I'm not feeling quite so blah today, but I am still struggling to keep from being "pulled under by the current" I am thinking that I'd better find a therapist, and find one fast so I can start to learn better behaviours and though patterns. Hey, does anyone happen to know of anyone in the Pagan community who is also a licensed psycotherapist?

More on feelings...

Sometimes my thoughts are shrouded in darkness.
There is sadness, but the tears won't come.
Some days the pain is so deep,
cutting,
burning,
searing me on the inside of my brain.

There's a void within my body,
a black hole of emotions so deep
if I face them I run the risk of
falling,
failing,
losing my mind.