I mentioned in one of my posts yesterday about how I have undergone a healing and transformation process over the course of the past few years that finally seemed to come full-circle in 2011. I now realize that this healing process began almost simultaneously with the diagnosis of the Bipolar disorder. On August 26, 2006 I posted about a series of wonky recurring dreams that I had been having where I would travel to a Chinese temple. At that temple a Chinese elder (whom I now believe was perhaps an Ascended Master) would work on me, knitting together the fibers within my brain…reorganizing and restructuring them to function properly. Now I would still have to deal with Doctors and medication, and struggle with an emotional roller-coaster for the next 5 years, but I believe healing was occurring, and I received confirmation of this fact almost 2 years after this dream.
On May 28, 2008 I found myself with a rare free moment where I chose to spend that time in meditation. I had forgotten to take my medication that morning, and as I meditated, I received a gentle nudge from my guides to go take them… as I argued the point with them (as stubborn people like me are apt to do) I also received a promise from them. They said, “It is important at this moment… for now, you need to take them (medication) as you’re supposed to . Do not worry about the rest. Your healing is happening. We are with you and we have begun the healing process, Dear One. But, for now, you still need the medications. Rest assured that the day will come when you will be free of this. Healing is happening on many levels, but for now you must continue with your treatment.” WOW! Of course the skeptic in me wondered if this were really true, or just wishful thinking on my part, so I asked for a sign. As my gaze fell across the yard to the boys’ swing-set, a male cardinal landed on the exact spot where I was looking. Even then I wondered, but I did get up to go take my meds.
That promise stuck with me, and from time to time I wondered how long it would be until it would come to pass…although part of me never expected it would be possible, and I almost even totally forgot about the promise I received that day. I focused on following my treatment and trying to improve myself every day…every day I had to fight through the fog of the medication-induced haze. Time passed and eventually my former Psychiatrist resigned his job and I was transferred to a new Psychiatrist...and that was a whole mess of shit. Every time I was scheduled to have an appointment with this new doctor, something managed to get in the way…one of the children came down with a fever… car broke down… and a couple of times the Doctor had to cancel. My opinion of her plummeted when I fought through my driving anxiety and got to the hospital for my 9:30 AM appointment one day only to be told that it had been cancelled. “Oh Madame, I called you at home but you didn’t answer. We called you just after 9AM!” Sure, fat lot of good that does when I live over an hour away and had to leave the house at 8AM just to be on time! Long story short, almost a year ended up passing without me ever having an appointment with this doctor. In May 2011 my prescription renewals were about to expire, and I called the Psychiatrist’s office (as I had been instructed to) in order to get the Dr. to call the pharmacy for a renewal. The secretary returned my call to inform me that the new doctor absolutely would not renew my meds because she had never met me and could not provide me with an appointment until at least a month after I would end up running out of medication. *NB: when I began taking the medications, it was drilled into my head that I should NEVER, ever stop taking the medication for any reason, and here my doctor was putting me in a situation where that’s exactly what I would be forced to do.
So I was forced to stop my medication over 6 months ago…I was scared…but I had no choice… I am proud to say that my head is clear, and I have been more stable than I have ever been in my life. It has been consistent, and it is wonderful.
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Friday, September 26, 2008
I really am what I eat...
It's amazing how much one's diet affects overall health and well-being! I have been slowly making the transition to eliminating red meat and poultry/fowl from my diet, but now I've cut it out completely! I haven't eaten meat in over a week, and the difference is astounding! Within only 2 days I started seeing a difference! My mind is clear and focused, my emotions are balanced, and my energy levels and motivation to do things... well, I'm keeping up with the housework without trying to clean the entire house in a single day. Whoa, I'm acting like a "normal" homemaker!
At this point, I'm not even willing to consume a single piece of meat, even if only to test my theory. I feel good without being in a manic state, and I am going to do whatever it takes to keep it this way. LOL... I think I'm going to make Sushi for Thanksgiving dinner!
At this point, I'm not even willing to consume a single piece of meat, even if only to test my theory. I feel good without being in a manic state, and I am going to do whatever it takes to keep it this way. LOL... I think I'm going to make Sushi for Thanksgiving dinner!
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Getting Healthier...
In the past month or so, my moods were getting unstable once again. However, in the two weeks leading up to June 20th, they started getting progressively worse (to the point where I was having mixed states, depression and mania; and I could cycle from one to another within minutes. It was to the point where I told Gilles I needed to be hospitalized, and he agreed, Luckily, I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist on June 20th. After explaining what was going on, my Dr. agreed. I was there from June 20th to the 25th.
It turns out that it was a good thing! The GPs who work in the Observation Area ordered a complete biochemical, hormonal profile bloodtest. That showed that although I don't have high Cholesterol, my HDL(good) cholesterol is way too low. On top of that, they found that I have an underactive thyroid. Also, when the Dr. examined my abdomen, I had two very painful areas on my left side (might be an ovary). So, due to that, and the fact that I've had no periods for 5 months now, I have a bunch of other tests to do; They're checking for something called hirsutism, and for polycystic ovary syndrome. I have a cerebral CT scan tonight, a chest X-ray tomorrow, a full medical exam on July 28th, and I am still waiting for an appointment for an Ultrasound of my abdomen and pelvic area.
It turns out that it was a good thing! The GPs who work in the Observation Area ordered a complete biochemical, hormonal profile bloodtest. That showed that although I don't have high Cholesterol, my HDL(good) cholesterol is way too low. On top of that, they found that I have an underactive thyroid. Also, when the Dr. examined my abdomen, I had two very painful areas on my left side (might be an ovary). So, due to that, and the fact that I've had no periods for 5 months now, I have a bunch of other tests to do; They're checking for something called hirsutism, and for polycystic ovary syndrome. I have a cerebral CT scan tonight, a chest X-ray tomorrow, a full medical exam on July 28th, and I am still waiting for an appointment for an Ultrasound of my abdomen and pelvic area.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Soup, Soup everywhere...
So, I'm slowly making dietary changes that include cutting down and eventually eliminating red meat from my diet... poultry and the like will come after, but one step at a time. Basically I want to get to the point of "no feathers, and no fur," as a good friend of mine puts it. Where it will go from there remains to be seen, but at least it's a start. It's partially a matter of choice, but my body seems to be forcing me to go in this direction too. I was raised in a "meat and potatoes" family... red meat at least 3 times a week. That had already begun to change over the years, but recently, my body is just saying, "ENOUGH!!!!!"
It was an accidental discovery, actually. Back in March, I think, I made a batch of carrot soup (we're talking 12lbs. of carrots, onions, potatoes, leeks, green onions, vegetable broth, garlic and spices depending on what flavour I'm looking for. Well, with Gilles working in Alberta... I often just made simple meals for the kids, and I hated cooking just for myself, so I was eating only carrot soup with legumes, some whole grain bread... very light. Well, without realizing it, I went more than a month without eating meat whatsoever. I've lost 24 lbs since January, and I felt really good the whole time I was off the meat. And let me tell you, I couldn't believe how much detoxifying my system did while I was doing that.
Now, I find that I really have to be careful if I do eat meat... and I just prefer to avoid it; sometimes just the sight of it makes me ill... and believe me, this is something HUGE for me... I really became aware of the change when Gilles was home and made bacon and eggs one morning (I used to pig out on occasions when bacon was made)... it smelled so good, but after 2 small pieces I had to stop or else I was going to be sick.
Yesterday, I made another big batch of Carrot soup, and I think I'll keep myself on my little "soup-diet" again for a few weeks. But I have got to convince Gilles to slowly let me take over the grocery shopping. I'm glad he's frugal with money, but in his zeal to pinch every penny he can, he refuses to buy anything organic, or total vegetarian for me. He says, "If we do that, our grocery expenses will go up 100%." Well, I won't put down exactly what I said to him, because it was rather nasty. But if he would look at the long term... it's a fact that a healthier lifestyle, and vegetarianism improves overall health... it would reduce long-term costs in terms of improving my health. It would make it easier for me to lose weight, and if I lose weight, our expenses for my medication would drop, because most of my meds are prescribed according to my weight.... less fat=weight loss=less cash spent on pharmaceuticals (and less cash spent on other OTCs because of problems caused by obesity)
It was an accidental discovery, actually. Back in March, I think, I made a batch of carrot soup (we're talking 12lbs. of carrots, onions, potatoes, leeks, green onions, vegetable broth, garlic and spices depending on what flavour I'm looking for. Well, with Gilles working in Alberta... I often just made simple meals for the kids, and I hated cooking just for myself, so I was eating only carrot soup with legumes, some whole grain bread... very light. Well, without realizing it, I went more than a month without eating meat whatsoever. I've lost 24 lbs since January, and I felt really good the whole time I was off the meat. And let me tell you, I couldn't believe how much detoxifying my system did while I was doing that.
Now, I find that I really have to be careful if I do eat meat... and I just prefer to avoid it; sometimes just the sight of it makes me ill... and believe me, this is something HUGE for me... I really became aware of the change when Gilles was home and made bacon and eggs one morning (I used to pig out on occasions when bacon was made)... it smelled so good, but after 2 small pieces I had to stop or else I was going to be sick.
Yesterday, I made another big batch of Carrot soup, and I think I'll keep myself on my little "soup-diet" again for a few weeks. But I have got to convince Gilles to slowly let me take over the grocery shopping. I'm glad he's frugal with money, but in his zeal to pinch every penny he can, he refuses to buy anything organic, or total vegetarian for me. He says, "If we do that, our grocery expenses will go up 100%." Well, I won't put down exactly what I said to him, because it was rather nasty. But if he would look at the long term... it's a fact that a healthier lifestyle, and vegetarianism improves overall health... it would reduce long-term costs in terms of improving my health. It would make it easier for me to lose weight, and if I lose weight, our expenses for my medication would drop, because most of my meds are prescribed according to my weight.... less fat=weight loss=less cash spent on pharmaceuticals (and less cash spent on other OTCs because of problems caused by obesity)
Friday, April 25, 2008
Reading and taking baby-steps
So, as per my last post, I've finished reading "The Power of Now", and "A New Earth" (both by Eckhart Tolle). I have definitely felt myself living in the present more often, and actually made a major breakthrough in taking the first step to overcoming a major issue which is the biggest source of conflict in my marriage. For the first time in our marriage, I stayed away from the credit card debt, and actually managed to put aside a small amount of money in savings. Gilles is in disbelief!
Friday, April 18, 2008
My "Domestic Goddess" idol
I have decided to outwardly acknowledge my "Domestic Goddess" diva, and mentor in this blog. That would be, and always has been, my sister. But today, in particular, I must acknowledge, and shout from the hilltops. "Butthead, you are my idol!!!!!!"
Not only can this true Domestic Goddess work full-time, and maintain a nice clean home. But today, she's making lasagna, and closing down the snow-blower all in the same day! I bow down in awe, and pray to the Gods that I will become even half as awesome as you!!!
On that note, I plan to start blogging regularly again, actually more regularly than before.... consistently... as that is one important thing I am striving to make a part of my life. I have also decided that I will blog more about progress, of course, in my Domestic Goddess training, and, as it can sometimes hinder or help my development, about the challenges of Bipolar disorder. I will aim, not to make this a "bitch-fest", where I complain, and where the energy is negative. My aim will be to bring fun and laughter where I am able, and to help educate more about the good and the bad that can come from having Bipolar Disorder.
I refuse to use this illness as an excuse, or as a crutch, and at this point I am actively working to turn and to use, what might be seen by some, a s0-called hindrance into a precious gift. A good metaphor I can think of comes from Eckhart Tolle's book, "The Power of Now," I have decided to learn the art of alchemy... to turn base metal into precious gold. I have a few books lined up to read, and when I actually have them in front of me, I will give a more detailed list. Although, I can start with the following which are all by Eckhart Tolle:
More to come...
Not only can this true Domestic Goddess work full-time, and maintain a nice clean home. But today, she's making lasagna, and closing down the snow-blower all in the same day! I bow down in awe, and pray to the Gods that I will become even half as awesome as you!!!
On that note, I plan to start blogging regularly again, actually more regularly than before.... consistently... as that is one important thing I am striving to make a part of my life. I have also decided that I will blog more about progress, of course, in my Domestic Goddess training, and, as it can sometimes hinder or help my development, about the challenges of Bipolar disorder. I will aim, not to make this a "bitch-fest", where I complain, and where the energy is negative. My aim will be to bring fun and laughter where I am able, and to help educate more about the good and the bad that can come from having Bipolar Disorder.
I refuse to use this illness as an excuse, or as a crutch, and at this point I am actively working to turn and to use, what might be seen by some, a s0-called hindrance into a precious gift. A good metaphor I can think of comes from Eckhart Tolle's book, "The Power of Now," I have decided to learn the art of alchemy... to turn base metal into precious gold. I have a few books lined up to read, and when I actually have them in front of me, I will give a more detailed list. Although, I can start with the following which are all by Eckhart Tolle:
- Practicing the Power of Now (I've read "The Power of Now", and it was awesome...I will be reading through it again.)
- Stillness Speaks
- A New Earth
I also have a book to read about Bipolar II (which is how I'm classified):
Bipolar II: Enhance your highs, Boost your Creativity by Ronald R. Fieve, M.D.
More to come...
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Doing better...
So I am doing better emotionally, although I still could use some extra help in the life-skills area. I ordered a book on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and was relieved to discover that a large part of it is biological (meaning how chemicals and messages are processed in the brain). I was also relieved to find out that with therapy, it is possible to improve to the point where although I may still have a couple of BPD symptoms, I can reduce the symptoms where I would no longer be classified as having BPD. I will not use this diagnosis as an excuse to do stupid things, but at least now I know why my behaviour and moods have been so erratic and impulsive (don't forget, I also have Bipolar Disorder). But the BPD explains why I have the tendency to be extremely impulsive, cause harm to myself by scratching at sores, and my temperament can turn on a dime. I can go from adoring and idolizing a person one minute, to hating, loathing them the next. With BPD, a person tends to see things in Black and White, and can't see the shades of gray. An example given in the book I'm reading is "the normal person will think, I like John, but I hate it when he's late. The person with BPD will think John is a nice person when he's on time, but he's a jerk when he's late"
Monday, February 12, 2007
WOW!!!
I am feeling absolutely incredible! My emotions have finally stabilized thanks to the new medication, and I'm a functioning person again. Now I just have to work hard to break some bad habits I developed all the years I was not well. But I love a challenge.
Mykah is a full-fledged walker, and he's already attemting to run. It's so funny to see him walking because he's so small. Finding pants for him is still a challenge; his legs are so short that he can still wear 9month pants. He's cute as a button and smart as a whip.
Mykah is a full-fledged walker, and he's already attemting to run. It's so funny to see him walking because he's so small. Finding pants for him is still a challenge; his legs are so short that he can still wear 9month pants. He's cute as a button and smart as a whip.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
My return to the human race...
I am finally starting to feel normal again! I think we may have hit the right levels of the right medication for my brain! It's as if I've been in a fog for the past 5 years, and it's finally lifted. I am able to concentrate enough to actually start reading again, and I am so happy about that; I've read 3 books in the past week alone.
I am interacting better with my children; I am actually enjoying them all the time now. I've also been able to manage to take over some more of the housework without feeling overwhelmed. Now, I'm also keeping my kitchen clean all the time, cooking meals (and planning leftovers for hubby's lunches), laundry, keeping bathrooms clean, etc. All of this was on my husband's plate before because I couldn't concentrate enough to handle it, so now he's got less responsibility and less stress, and I'm more satisfied by my daily accomplishments. Yay!!!!!
I am interacting better with my children; I am actually enjoying them all the time now. I've also been able to manage to take over some more of the housework without feeling overwhelmed. Now, I'm also keeping my kitchen clean all the time, cooking meals (and planning leftovers for hubby's lunches), laundry, keeping bathrooms clean, etc. All of this was on my husband's plate before because I couldn't concentrate enough to handle it, so now he's got less responsibility and less stress, and I'm more satisfied by my daily accomplishments. Yay!!!!!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
First 2007 post...
Okay, where do I start? After a bad end to 2006 what with me going into a bad depression, self-medicating with alcohol, and things just getting bad, things are really starting to look up.
First, I saw my Psychiatrist on Dec 21st, and he did a complete rearrangement of the meds and told me to stop drinking. Okay, I didn't listen to that part which led to my loving family giving me an ultimatum (Thank you, I'm so glad you love me so much). Which in turn led to me stopping the drinking (it also helped that my hubby hid the vodka and took away my car keys) No, I was not driving under the influence, he just didn't want me to be able to go buy more booze.
Stop drinking, and the medication has a chance to work properly. There was one medication he prescribed to help me sleep that I had to stop taking because it was just keeping me in a Zombie-like state. I've been starting to feel a little bit better every day this week! Yay!
Today, I feel like a million bucks! My kitchen is pretty much spotless, and I've done 4 loads of laundry (put it away too) on top of that. I really pray that this is me starting to feel better and not just another manic phase starting!
First, I saw my Psychiatrist on Dec 21st, and he did a complete rearrangement of the meds and told me to stop drinking. Okay, I didn't listen to that part which led to my loving family giving me an ultimatum (Thank you, I'm so glad you love me so much). Which in turn led to me stopping the drinking (it also helped that my hubby hid the vodka and took away my car keys) No, I was not driving under the influence, he just didn't want me to be able to go buy more booze.
Stop drinking, and the medication has a chance to work properly. There was one medication he prescribed to help me sleep that I had to stop taking because it was just keeping me in a Zombie-like state. I've been starting to feel a little bit better every day this week! Yay!
Today, I feel like a million bucks! My kitchen is pretty much spotless, and I've done 4 loads of laundry (put it away too) on top of that. I really pray that this is me starting to feel better and not just another manic phase starting!
Monday, November 27, 2006
The weekend.
Overall, it was a decent weekend. My sister's husband was up from Michigan (long story), so it was great to visit with him. We get along really well, and I miss having him around. Zachy spent the whole day at the neighbours' house with his Titi and Spanky. He was thrilled to be with the neighbours who he calls Auntie Johns and Kimmie...LOL... he's still not totally clear on the concept of Aunt and Uncle; That's okay, he call's MacDonald's "Auntie Donalds". Anyway, it was such a nice weekend. I actually went out for a smoke at one point in a short-sleeved shirt!
My moods are all over the place still, and it's so frustrating. I'll start to feel fine, but still can't get my head around basic everyday concepts involved in managing a home. I know I'm an intelligent person, but sometimes the simplest concepts totally evade me. Then I feel stupid, and I feel as if people are looking at me as if I'm stupid...even my family. I am so easily overwhelmed by too much input that I shut down. It happens quite often (one or more times a week) that the basic noise of the household just throws me into a meltdown. For those of you with kids, you know that time of day when the kids have their crazy hour just about the time that Papa's getting home and Mom's trying to cook supper. I can't handle it!
Oh will I ever get relief from this madness,
this fire inside my brain?
Destroying my insides
and burning up my mind.
My moods are all over the place still, and it's so frustrating. I'll start to feel fine, but still can't get my head around basic everyday concepts involved in managing a home. I know I'm an intelligent person, but sometimes the simplest concepts totally evade me. Then I feel stupid, and I feel as if people are looking at me as if I'm stupid...even my family. I am so easily overwhelmed by too much input that I shut down. It happens quite often (one or more times a week) that the basic noise of the household just throws me into a meltdown. For those of you with kids, you know that time of day when the kids have their crazy hour just about the time that Papa's getting home and Mom's trying to cook supper. I can't handle it!
Oh will I ever get relief from this madness,
this fire inside my brain?
Destroying my insides
and burning up my mind.
Monday, November 20, 2006
More on feelings...
Sometimes my thoughts are shrouded in darkness.
There is sadness, but the tears won't come.
Some days the pain is so deep,
cutting,
burning,
searing me on the inside of my brain.
There's a void within my body,
a black hole of emotions so deep
if I face them I run the risk of
falling,
failing,
losing my mind.
There is sadness, but the tears won't come.
Some days the pain is so deep,
cutting,
burning,
searing me on the inside of my brain.
There's a void within my body,
a black hole of emotions so deep
if I face them I run the risk of
falling,
failing,
losing my mind.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Blech...
Oh I don't feel good emotionally today. I just feel bored with everything...like everything is dull and colorless. I think I am in mourning for the loss of my hypomania and the "excitement" it brought with it. Yes, I know it's not a good state to be in, but in a state of hypomania everyone and everything is beautiful, and life is exciting...full of adventure. In hypomania, even cleaning the house is exciting...I miss the euphoria.
To top it all off, I'm self-medicating...orange juice with...ahem...additives. Argh, I just can't cope with this. When the hell am I going to feel normal again? Will I ever feel normal again, or at least less bored with life? This is taking a toll on my marriage too. As hard as it is on me, I think it's doubly hard on Gilles. I can see my illness slowly sucking the life out of him, and I hate it. Well, I just have to make sure to get the info about therapy from my Psychiatrist at our next appointment. I will not be a victim...damn it I will fight this, and I will win!
To top it all off, I'm self-medicating...orange juice with...ahem...additives. Argh, I just can't cope with this. When the hell am I going to feel normal again? Will I ever feel normal again, or at least less bored with life? This is taking a toll on my marriage too. As hard as it is on me, I think it's doubly hard on Gilles. I can see my illness slowly sucking the life out of him, and I hate it. Well, I just have to make sure to get the info about therapy from my Psychiatrist at our next appointment. I will not be a victim...damn it I will fight this, and I will win!
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