Possible new addition...

We may be getting a new addition to our family. Her name is Charlotte , and she is an Irish Wolfhound mix. I met her today, and she is such a sweetheart. She's very calm, very friendly. Also, she totally looks like a wolfhound, but she's about the size of a Golden Retriever. We're going to foster her on a trial basis before making the decision to adopt her. I'm so excited.

Test results are in.

I saw the neurosurgeon at the MCH for Mykah today. His CT Scan was normal. Woo Hoo!!! However the doctor wants to have an MRI done to check a few other things out. But at this point I'm relieved, and not worrying anymore.

The weekend.

Overall, it was a decent weekend. My sister's husband was up from Michigan (long story), so it was great to visit with him. We get along really well, and I miss having him around. Zachy spent the whole day at the neighbours' house with his Titi and Spanky. He was thrilled to be with the neighbours who he calls Auntie Johns and Kimmie...LOL... he's still not totally clear on the concept of Aunt and Uncle; That's okay, he call's MacDonald's "Auntie Donalds". Anyway, it was such a nice weekend. I actually went out for a smoke at one point in a short-sleeved shirt!

My moods are all over the place still, and it's so frustrating. I'll start to feel fine, but still can't get my head around basic everyday concepts involved in managing a home. I know I'm an intelligent person, but sometimes the simplest concepts totally evade me. Then I feel stupid, and I feel as if people are looking at me as if I'm stupid...even my family. I am so easily overwhelmed by too much input that I shut down. It happens quite often (one or more times a week) that the basic noise of the household just throws me into a meltdown. For those of you with kids, you know that time of day when the kids have their crazy hour just about the time that Papa's getting home and Mom's trying to cook supper. I can't handle it!

Oh will I ever get relief from this madness,
this fire inside my brain?
Destroying my insides
and burning up my mind.

Little better...

I'm feeling a little more human today. Hey, I was dressed before 9AM, so that's a huge improvement. I didn't get a whole lot done in the house today, but I did manage to putter around the kitchen and the living room. Also, I spent a whole lot of time doing cross-stitch which is so therapeutic for me. Oh, I wish I had a little corner of the house just for cross-stitching where I have absolutely perfect lighting, and the most comfortable lounger chair in the world. Ha ha... maybe it's a good thing I don't have that little nook, Gilles wouldn't be able to get me to leave it.

I took the kids to get their vaccines updated today. Poor kids...I've been so negligient. Zach ended up having to have 4 needles, and poor little Mykah had to have 6 needles. I took them to MacDonalds to make up for it. Bad Mommy...Bad, bad, bad.

Tuesday..

Well, I'm not feeling quite so blah today, but I am still struggling to keep from being "pulled under by the current" I am thinking that I'd better find a therapist, and find one fast so I can start to learn better behaviours and though patterns. Hey, does anyone happen to know of anyone in the Pagan community who is also a licensed psycotherapist?

More on feelings...

Sometimes my thoughts are shrouded in darkness.
There is sadness, but the tears won't come.
Some days the pain is so deep,
cutting,
burning,
searing me on the inside of my brain.

There's a void within my body,
a black hole of emotions so deep
if I face them I run the risk of
falling,
failing,
losing my mind.

A description...

I'm feeling somewhat better today, although still not as good as I'd like. I did manage to get a few things done around the house, so at least that's an improvement. But now, I'd like to go to bed for the night...but the kids are still up, and it's not fair to leave my hubby with all the duties.

I don't know... I am just so tired of feeling like crap. It's like there's a bottomless pit at my solar plexus chakra...sometimes it feels like a black hole. I feel a spinning sensation there, and it makes me sick to my stomach. At those times, I also feel in my head as if my consciousness has been stuffed into a tiny little box just behind my face. I don't know if this makes sense, but it's the only way I know how to describe just some of what I feel.

Feeling low...

Okay, so I'm having a couple of blue days. Part of me is wondering if I'm fighting a cold or something, though. Yesterday all I could do was sleep (hubby took care of the kids). I slept from 1pm-5pm, then from 5:30PM-8PM, then I went back to bed at 9PM and slept right through until 7 this morning. I could probably still go back to bed and sleep some more, but Gilles is working, so I'm in charge of the kids, so that's out.

Well, I'll just try and keep the day as low-key as possible. I definitely will make a point to do some cross-stitch today as that always seems to help me relax.

Blech...

Oh I don't feel good emotionally today. I just feel bored with everything...like everything is dull and colorless. I think I am in mourning for the loss of my hypomania and the "excitement" it brought with it. Yes, I know it's not a good state to be in, but in a state of hypomania everyone and everything is beautiful, and life is exciting...full of adventure. In hypomania, even cleaning the house is exciting...I miss the euphoria.

To top it all off, I'm self-medicating...orange juice with...ahem...additives. Argh, I just can't cope with this. When the hell am I going to feel normal again? Will I ever feel normal again, or at least less bored with life? This is taking a toll on my marriage too. As hard as it is on me, I think it's doubly hard on Gilles. I can see my illness slowly sucking the life out of him, and I hate it. Well, I just have to make sure to get the info about therapy from my Psychiatrist at our next appointment. I will not be a victim...damn it I will fight this, and I will win!

Hooray...

Zachy is back to normal, and I was able to send him back to daycare today! He was excited to see his friends again too, so that was good. Wow, I might actually be able to get a few things done around here today. Woo Hoo!

Tuesday..

Zach seems to be on the mend, but I am still keeping him home from daycare until I'm sure he's fully better. He's full of beans and buggerment which is a good sign.

Today I will hopefully tackle some much needed decluttering, as it is time to start thinking about decorating for Yule. But I can't decorate until I do a few things around here. It shouldn't take too long, but we all know I have a motivation problem, right? I think this year I will add a string of lights to the garland on the mantle since I now have a place to plug it in that's inaccessible to the children. Aside from that, the only other decorating I really need to do is to put up the tree, but it's waaaaaay too early for that. This is the first time in a long time that I'm looking forward to decorating; I guess having a 4-year old helps. For the past 2 years we didn't decorate at all, but this year there's no way we'd get away with that. Zach is already trying to draw multiple pictures of Christmas/Yule trees, and he keeps asking when we're going to decorate. Now I just have to figure out where we put the decorations!

Fasting?

Okay, so I broke down and had food...luscious tomato and spinach pizza. See that's my problem with fasting since I still have to prepare food for other people. For some reason, they still want to eat...go figure. Ha ha... oh well, the pizza was really yummy and worth it!

Fasting...

That's right. I'm doing a semi-fast in an attempt to gain knowledge and control over my eating habits, and to develop self-discipline. Basically I'm allowing myself Coffee and Water, skimmed milk, and low calorie foods in moderation (fruits & veggies). Heh heh... as an added bonus, I've already lost 5lbs. Fasting is much more difficult than I anticipated, but I started learning things about my eating habits almost immediately. I eat when I'm bored, overwhelmed, or trying to put off doing things. Hmmm...it seems I smoke for the same reasons too. The more bored I get, the more intense the sugar cravings... sugar cravings also get bad if my emotions go off.

On the up side, since doing this, I am doing much more cross-stitch again (YAY), and I'm getting more done around the house! Muahahahaha... I might just become a Domestic Goddess yet!!!!

Too funny...

So as I'm sitting here at my computer, Mykah is zipping back and forth on his dump truck which he has decided is a ride-on toy. He is shrieking in pure delight, and I am just amazed at the speed he picks up on this thing. Then, every once in a while, he'll bring the thing to a stop (wicked dare devil side stop) and flash me a devilish little grin. He is just waaaaaaay too cute.

Zach seems to be feeling better; he was running around like a whirlwind earlier, so I'm sure he's fine.

Today I managed to spend a good amount of time doing cross stitch. I just love it; it relaxes me so much.

Alas, now I am off to get Mykah off to be, and Zach will go soon after. Then I will sit and relax with a good movie (don't know which one yet).

Going crazy...

The kids are driving me nuts!!! Zachary is doing everything he can to make Mykah cry, and as often as possible. LOL...but then Mykah just gets pissed off and hauls off and hits Zachy. If they keep it up, I'm going to banish them both to their respective bedrooms.

Mind you, some of it is comical, especially when Mykah hits Zach since Mykah is so much smaller. And when Mykah hits, he winds up first. Yes, he swings his arm back as much as he can and then goes for the smack! It really hurts when he smacks you, and I'm trying to break him of this. But it's really hard to break him of it when you're fighting back laughter.

Sickness...

Zach is still home from daycare... this bug he has is just not letting up! He still has the runs, but at least it's much less frequent than before. I think I will just have to get him to a doctor.

Luckily, Mykah is not showing any signs of being sick (knock on wood). Hopefully no one else will get this (although I might not mind it if it lets me lose a few pounds...kidding)

Well, it looks gorgeous and sunny outside, so despite Zach being sick, I think I will take the kids out on a short walk this afternoon...the fresh air will do them some good (and me too)

Blonde moment...

I had to go out to the pharmacy last night to pick up some Immodium for Zach. While I was there, I figured I'd pick up the new Sunsilk hair products. I picked up the Anti-Frizz Shampoo, Conditioner, and after-shower treatment.

So I'm in the shower this morning, excited to try out my new stuff, and I pick up the first bottle...oops conditioner... I pick up the other bottle...conditioner. So there I am holding both bottles trying to figure out why they both say conditioner (I haven't had my coffee yet, eh). My error just was not registering... it took me about five minutes to finally realize that I had accidentally picked up 2 bottles of conditioner instead of a shampoo. Yes, I felt very stupid.

more stuff.

Well, I didn't get much else accomplished today. The daycare worker stopped by with Zach (they were out on their walk) saying he was complaining that he was very tired, and his ear hurt. He wanted to come home, so we let him. His mood perked up right away and he didn't seem so tired once we let him come home. It looks like he's stuck something in his ear, and I can't seem to get it out. I flushed his ear once, and I will do it again a couple of times tonight to see if we can get whatever it is to come out. Otherwise I will have to take him to the doctor for that.

Anyway, I got totally grossed out, and found out that Zach wasn't really feeling that hot when he rushed to the toilet for number 2, and couldn't make it. Yuck...all over the bathroom floor, all down his legs, all over the toilet, and the dehumidifier. Needless to say it took 2 hours, mopping the floor and washing above mentioned items 4 times to finally get the smell to go away. I nearly puked. Yuck.

Oh hell...

So I just finished a round of antibiotics for the leg thing, and part way through the treatment, my ears start flaring up, yet again. I'm starting to wonder if my ear infections are perhaps caused by an overabundance of yeast? Is it possible to have yeast infections in ones' ears? Well, my sister's nasty foot problem was caused by yeast, so why not? That would explain why I started getting these things with my first pregnancy, and it would explain why it seems to have been provoked by antibiotic treatment!

I also had the week from hell emotionally last week, and couldn't understand why until my sister checked my pill case on Saturday; we realized that I had missed taking my Paxil all week! I usually fill up the pill-case on Sunday morning, but when I did it last week, I only had enough Paxil for Monday. I had to refill the prescription, which I did, but I forgot completely to add it to the remainder of the week. Problem solved. At least there was a good reason for my feeling crappy.

On a brighter note, I feel great today. I actually got up and thoroughly cleaned the light fixture above the kitchen table, and I will do the ceiling fan in the living room when Mykah takes his nap today. I feel productive, and just generally well... YAY!

Halloween...

We had a nice Halloween here. Zachy wore his doggie costume. It was so fun with him this year; he was so excited. He still needed me to hold his hand going up to the doors, and reminding him to say "Thank you." We did almost a whole block, but then we passed by a haunted house, and the noises were scary for him. He thought it was a dragon going to come out of the castle to chase him, and he wanted to go home, "right now, Mommy, please!" I promised him that the dragon wouldn't leave the castle, and we went home, and he was happy with his night.