Horses... and Oh Shit I'm Going to DIE

Today my body is HATING me.  I am aware of muscles I didn't even know I had.  Everything hurts and yet all I keep thinking is, "It was so worth it!!!"  Yesterday the boys and I had a lovely day spent at WestWind's family farm.  WestWinds started teaching me basic caring for the horses... how to lead a horse properly, cleaning out the hooves, and how to tack-up a horse (put on the bridle and saddle, etc.).  I also got to do a bit of riding in the round pen on Leya.  Now this was only my second time up on a horse, so I have A LOT left to learn.
What we unfortunately didn't capture in a picture or even on video was from my first time up on Leya yesterday.  Getting a feel for riding, there is so much to remember and as a beginner, my body's natural tendency is to tense up especially when the horse starts to move faster... which ironically was also actually a cue to the horse making her think I wanted her to go faster..  as I tensed up, I also made the mistake of pulling my knees up too much so as Leya went into a trot or maybe even as fast as a canter, I bounced right out of the saddle... Yes, I FELL OFF THE HORSE.  As I felt myself falling to the left of her, I tried to stop the fall by grabbing the right side of the saddle...  I didn't manage to stop the fall, but did somehow manage to get my finger caught in the saddle... and as my body was falling to the left and my hand was caught on the far right, all I remember thinking was "OH SHIT!!!!!!"  Yeah, you know one of those "Oh Shit" moments where you start to see your life pass before your eyes!  Ironically I actually ended up landing on my feet, but every muscle in my body got wrenched, and luckily Leya is a calm horse because if she had bolted while my hand was still caught in the saddle, my elbow probably would have snapped!  I am proud to say that I got back up to ride her again TWICE after I fell.  I am sore and bruised, but I also feel great.  Now I will have to forever endure the good-natured teasing from my friends because Leya is such a good-natured horse it's apparently quite the feat to have managed to fall off of her.

On another note, I also made another equine friend yesterday too.  I fell in love with this big boy!

Fate = Bullshit

I no longer believe in destiny like I once did.  Recently I have learned an important lesson that has perhaps woken me up to face the reality that Fate is complete BULLSHIT.  Fate does exist... destiny puts people and situations in our path... things that could turn out very well for us if we make the right choices.  But that is the catch... the fine-print so to speak.  Free will plays a much larger role in the grand scheme of things... Fate may have wonderful plans for us, but we have choices to make... and by making the wrong choices, we are capable of totally FUCKING up what destiny has set before us on our path.  The Universe sets situations and special people on our path, and it is up to us to choose whether to accept what Fate gives us.  When fear and procrastination get in the way... when we take too long to make the difficult choices, we slap Fate in the face and say, "Fuck you, I am not interested in the good things that you lay before me."  What pathetic creatures we are.  To throw such gifts away... to refuse happiness when it is handed to us all because we are too afraid to take a risk... too afraid to change what we are used to... too afraid to let go of what we know and what is comfortable... too afraid to embark on a new and wonderful adventure that could bring immense happiness to our lives.  We are creatures of habit, and have the tendency to cling to the things we know.., to cling to the familiar even when the familiar is harmful and toxic to us.  Why do we punish ourselves so?

Wrong...

I'm so tired of trying to pretend that everything is okay.  Nothing is okay right now.  Yet I still have to put on a brave face and pretend that I'm fine when I'm not!!!  Nothing is right.  When you came back into my life you showed me what had been missing all these years... and now that we have to be apart, the emptiness you have left me with is overwhelming.  How patient do I have to be before the gods decide it has been enough?  How much do I have to hurt before I get relief?  I know you are going through hell too right now, and I am hurting for you.  All I want is to be able to hold you in my arms... I want to look into your gorgeous eyes and just rest in the beauty of the relationship that we have.  I know you came back into my life for a very good reason... what I don't understand is why you had to be taken away from me again so soon?  It is hell to love someone so much and to not be able to  be with them...talk to them... hold them...The worst part is that I know you feel the same way and yet it still has to be like this.  This is so wrong.

2012 Garden

What a gorgeous long weekend we had.  The weather was absolutely beautiful, and it was time to get the vegetable garden and the herb garden planted.  I keep it really simple for now, although eventually I would like to do more.  So in terms of vegetables, I will have a TON of tomatoes... we eat them like mad around here, especially in the summer when we can get them fresh.  I will have tomatoes GALORE!  If I find I am drowning in tomatoes when they ripen, I may just have to sell some!  I also decided to try out planting some leeks this year, although I am concerned they may not quite make it due to a *ahem* "mishap" with the lawnmower.  Although since the roots of the leeks are still fully intact after said mishap, I am hoping they will still pull through :D  The picture below shows a portion of the vegetable garden... after this picture was taken, I also added some eggplants, and will also be planting lettuce once I buy the seeds.

My herb garden is mostly planted in a very large container.  This year I have garlic chives, estragon (sorry, don't know the English term so it's the French name), standard basil, dwarf basil, creeping thyme, curled parsley, coriander, sage, and I'm trying to grow some garlic too.  

I also am attempting to grow lavender again this year.  I used to have a gorgeous, HUGE lavender plant in my back yard that also fell victim to... yes... a lawnmower "mishap"... totally not my fault!  since then, I have had the worst luck with lavender, but that was trying to grow it in a container in the house... just can't seem to do it. so this year I bought 3 lavender plants and will plant them in 3 different places on my property.  Hopefully they will all do well... I will be happy if at least 1 of them survives.

What we regret in the end...

This is not my property; I do not own these words or this image.  But the words hit home and I had to share it.

Tears...

An endless flood of tears wells up from deep inside.
Grief and sorrow overwhelm me over lost love we left behind.
I long to hold you in my arms, to see your beautiful face,
My heart is broken, damaged...something that cannot be replaced.

I wish that I could stop the tears,
but I know this wound will haunt me for years.
I will never be the same.

Instructions for life by the Dalai Lama

1.Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2.When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3.Follow the three R’s:
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others and
- Responsibility for all your actions.
4.Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5.Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6.Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7.When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8.Spend some time alone every day.
9.Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10.Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12.A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13.In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14.Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15.Be gentle with the earth.
16.Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17.Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18.Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19.If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
20.If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
~♥♥•*❤~ℒℴ℣ℇ~`❤*•♥♥ ~



The wisdom of these words are comforting right now. I am hurting, but have already forgiven the person who hurt me. I do know in my heart that it was a very difficult choice for them, and one they didn't want to have to make. I will always love that person... that person will always hold a very special place in my heart. I just miss that person very much. Hamlak atas tayriw, always... whether you are in my life or not. Find happiness...create joy in your life, no matter what you have to do... Just be happy!!!

Stupidity...

My friend, Jessy, suggested that I use my writing to express myself in order to help me to deal with the crap I'm feeling right now.  Sure it's a great idea, but I'm struggling with the courage to actually write what I'm feeling.  Once it's out there, I can't take it back, and with the hurt and anger I'm feeling, will I write something that I may later regret?  But I guess the most important thing is that I do what I need to do in order to get through this... it's most important that I deal with the hurt in a way that will help me to heal, instead of internalizing it and allowing it to harm me.  There is a part of me that doesn't want to write for fear of offending this other person if my perception of this situation is wrong...  but is it worth avoiding offending someone else at my own expense?  I must be true to myself first, and if I'm wrong and if this person is after all the type of person I originally thought they were, then they will be able to look at things from my point of view and truly understand why I am feeling this way.

I made the mistake of trusting in someone when I knew that I shouldn't.  I allowed myself to become vulnerable emotionally to this person, fully knowing from past experience how things would turn out.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....  So I am angry at myself because I knew better.  Yes, it's complicated... knowing better doesn't always stop us from caring for someone, even when they don't deserve it.  My friend WestWinds told me that one of my most beautiful qualities is my capacity and willingness to love people so completely.  But that same quality is a double-edged sword, and it hurts like hell every time I fall upon the blade.  I try to see the good in people, I try to be honest, and naively I believe their pretty speech, I assume they will treat me with the same respect that I initially give to them... I want to believe others are as honest with me as I try to be with them...  it would better serve me to look at their actions because therein lies their truth.  Actions speak louder than words, and if a person's actions don't match what they are saying to you, then their words have no meaning whatsoever.

The sad thing is that even after all of this, I still love this person immensely.  A part of me STILL wants to believe that they weren't trying to deceive me.  Even worse is that there is still a part of me that also hopes the day will come where this person will prove all of my present doubts to be wrong... part of me hopes that they will be able to one day prove to me that they really did mean every word they said.  How stupid is that, eh?

Broken...

My heart is broken, shattered in two
Once again I had to say goodbye to you.
Yet despite my pain, I don't regret
Though I should have told you, "No, not yet"
You say you'll come back; I don't know if that's true
Time will tell if you love me as much as you say you do?

 

Change...

The anger and the hatred that I saw there in your eyes,
as you raised your fist to strike me, it caught me by surprise.
What stopped you in that moment, I guess I'll never know
because you'll never get the chance to get in a single blow!!!!

Perhaps you only stopped yourself because I wouldn't show my fear,
But that split-second changed everything and sealed our fate, my dear.