My friend, Jessy, suggested that I use my writing to express myself in order to help me to deal with the crap I'm feeling right now. Sure it's a great idea, but I'm struggling with the courage to actually write what I'm feeling. Once it's out there, I can't take it back, and with the hurt and anger I'm feeling, will I write something that I may later regret? But I guess the most important thing is that I do what I need to do in order to get through this... it's most important that I deal with the hurt in a way that will help me to heal, instead of internalizing it and allowing it to harm me. There is a part of me that doesn't want to write for fear of offending this other person if my perception of this situation is wrong... but is it worth avoiding offending someone else at my own expense? I must be true to myself first, and if I'm wrong and if this person is after all the type of person I originally thought they were, then they will be able to look at things from my point of view and truly understand why I am feeling this way.
I made the mistake of trusting in someone when I knew that I shouldn't. I allowed myself to become vulnerable emotionally to this person, fully knowing from past experience how things would turn out. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.... So I am angry at myself because I knew better. Yes, it's complicated... knowing better doesn't always stop us from caring for someone, even when they don't deserve it. My friend WestWinds told me that one of my most beautiful qualities is my capacity and willingness to love people so completely. But that same quality is a double-edged sword, and it hurts like hell every time I fall upon the blade. I try to see the good in people, I try to be honest, and naively I believe their pretty speech, I assume they will treat me with the same respect that I initially give to them... I want to believe others are as honest with me as I try to be with them... it would better serve me to look at their actions because therein lies their truth. Actions speak louder than words, and if a person's actions don't match what they are saying to you, then their words have no meaning whatsoever.
The sad thing is that even after all of this, I still love this person immensely. A part of me STILL wants to believe that they weren't trying to deceive me. Even worse is that there is still a part of me that also hopes the day will come where this person will prove all of my present doubts to be wrong... part of me hopes that they will be able to one day prove to me that they really did mean every word they said. How stupid is that, eh?
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