Stupid Doctors.

I hate doctors!!! I hate being at the mercy of their schedules, and their availablility, or in this case, lack of availability. Although I guess it's not completely the doctors' faults, but the blame has to fall somewhere... on the government perhaps who has their heads so far up their asses and so much money to burn that they just don't give a shit that our Health Care system is so fucked up!!!!!!

Yes, I'm pissed off! I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to get the official diagnosis of just how crazy I am exactly, but his nurse called today to reschedule until next week. Here I am sleeping pretty much all the time just to avoid dealing with the thoughts that are racing through my head, and I might add have taken on a very scary, morbid tone most of the time. And the doctor has to reschedule because he had to fill in for someone at the last minute and missed his vacation. I suppose the man has a right to his vacation, but not when it interferes with my appointment alright!!!!!

Yesterday we had friends visiting with their 3 daughters (a 3.5 year old, and 14-month old
identical twins). That was fun...the girls are so cute.

Last night's sleep went off withougt anymore strange dreams (well, not any that I can remember anyway). Although I did wake up several times, and ended up sleeping 2 hours in Zach's bed because he's developed a fear of being alone in his bed now.

I'm still very tired all the time, and I hate it!!! I really wish that some high energy will come my way soon. Well, maybe after I see the doctor on Wednesday and get my meds adjusted. I don't mind if he can keep me in a mildy hypomanic phase for most of the time...really, I could absolutely live with that!! Just get rid of the exhaustion and the depression, please!!!!!

Update, and wonky dreams...

So our appointment with the Neurosurgeon has been set for October 3rd; now all we have to do is wait. I think the waiting is going to kill me. No, I'm not stressed much...my dreams are just getting all whacked out for no reason, right?

My dreams were totally weird last night, that's for sure. I can't remember all of it, or if I have it in the correct order, but here goes.

"I am meeting several times in a Chinese temple with a Chinese mystic/Dalai Lama type for therapy...helping to rebalance my brain, and to ease my worries about Mykah.

Then I was in a sports arena/marketplace looking for my wallet which was actually in my hands the whole time.

So then there's this really strange scene where a woman is being turned into a vampire by flying dismembered heads, and there's this whole "Little Mermaid" type musical montage about how wonderful life is as a blood sucker.

Okay, then there's this really strange scene back in the sports arena where it's a lesbian sex scene with 5 women, but what really pisses me off is I don't get to see any of it because they're hiding in a huge stretchy T-shirt.

Then I'm on my way to CMS class, but in this dream, CMS is a whole school with dormitories and everything...but the building has collased (no one was hurt) although I nearly killed myself trying to rollerblade down the hill where all the debris from the building had fallen.

After the collapse of the building, there was a scene of about 20 helicopters gathered to shoot out city hall because they were so angry about the collapse of the school.

The next part I remember, I was trying to escape the city with some friends, but we couldn't find our way out of the underground. That ended up with me asking for directions, a woman calling me crazy, and another musical number about "how she should be careful who she calls crazy because some people really are crazy and she could get herself killed"


No, I'm not stressed much, am I?

Waiting, waiting...

The Neurosurgeon's office never called me back. I was promised a call on either Wednesday or Thursday, and it is now FRIDAY!!! I called the pediatrician late yesterday, and his secretary gave me the phone number and said I should call the Neurosurgeon's office today. Grrrrr... don't make a freaking out mother wait too long!!!!!

Freaking out!!!!

So we had a check-up for the boys with their pediatrician this morning... Result: I am now waiting for a call from a neuro-surgeon for Mykah. His head circumference has jumped from the 50th to the 95th percentile in less than 6 months. So mommy is very, very freaked out right now!!! Pardon me while I go have a melt-down.

More grrrrr.....

Stupid little tobacco sticks making me lose my mind...yet again I've caved, but I think at this point that is better than the alternative. I completely lost it this afternoon..yes, we're talking kicking and throwing inanimate objects

I think my appointment with the Douglas has come just at the right time, because I am losing my mind!!!

Oh yeah....

The Mood Disorders clinic at the Douglas Hospital finally called me for appointments. Maybe now I have the chance of finding out for sure what's wrong with me, and actually start getting proper treatment!!!! I'm friggin' nervous, but relieved at the same time...I just wish Gilles could go with me, but I don't think it's going to work out unless Mom can come and watch the kids.

The other night at Mom's I was having some delusions... oh, I was waaaaaaay out of touch with reality that night... what I was saying, of course, makes no sense now, but it sounded really good at the time.

Grrrrrrrrr...and yay.

Day 2 of quitting smoking and already I'm feeling mildly homicidal... "Stay out of her way, she's a total bitch today!" I think Gilles wants to take me shopping at Wal-Mart in hopes of easing the homicidal thoughts today. I need pants since my stupid meds are causing me to gain weight (dammit!)... I just hope he's prepared to buy me running shoes and a few nice tops too! Maybe if I have nice clothes that fit, I won't feel like such a frump, and I'll be less inclined to feeling like hurting people. Okay, that's my rant of the day.

Stolen from Airea who stole from Rajura.

In one word:
Yourself: Restless
Your significant other: GillyBear
Your hair: Short
Your mother: Annoying
Your father: Hopeless
Your dream last night: Dancing
Your dream home: Country
The room you are in: Living room
Your favorite colour: Red
Your fear: insanity
Your favorite food: sushi
Your car: red
Your eyes: Hazel
Where you want to be in ten years: Country
Who you hung out with last night: family
What you're not: normal
Your best friend: Angel
Your worst enemy: me
One of your wish list items:Irish Wolfhound
Your gender: female
The last thing you did: Coffee
What you are wearing:Cords & Tank top
Your favorite weather: fall
The last thing you ate: Cookies
The music you're listening to: none
Your life: lonely
Your mood: tired
Who are you: mildly nutty

Freedom day tomorrow...

Yes, tomorrow is freedom day for me, but not in the way you might think (although a day off from the kids to go shopping would be nice). Tomorrow, I pick up my smoking cessation treatment again, and this time I WILL SUCCEED!!!!

I'm not even really enjoying the smokes anymore. I'm tired of having my throat burn, being short of breath, and smelling like an ash tray! Also, I figured out that I lose over 4 hours a day to my smoking habit, since I go outdoors to smoke. That's 4 hours where I could be doing something else more productive and more enjoyable!!!

Friends are awesome...

On Sunday, some dear friends payed a visit. We hadn't gotten together in over a year, so it was much needed. Thoad and Lady F are wonderful friends indeed, they brought all the fixings for vegetarian quesidillas, and they were yummy.

Thoad, who also has the ups and downs of bi-polar (but has learned to manage it more successfully) made me promise to call, especially if I'm feeling down. He and Lady F will be there for me as much as possible, and they said I should not have to deal with this all alone. I was in tears, and gratefully made the promise.

My Sunday...

This week, I finally got speakers for my PC, and I'm so glad I did. Now I can listen to radio online. My personal favourite is WitchCast, which plays all sorts of pagan music. The best part is that most of the music is in a style that doesn't grate on Gilles' nerves, and so he doesn't mind the music playing. Yay!!!

I woke up with a wicked headache and what I call "heavy head" this morning. The Advil is kicking in, though, and I'm starting to feel better.

Today I have friends coming over whom I haven't seen in a long time. It'll be wonderful to get together with them again; I've missed them a lot!

I'm starting to think that...

...the universe is trying to tell me something. Like, oh, "You silly bitch, why do you want to go back to work now? You're so not ready!"

I put in a job application for an admin assistant job at the company where I used to work. Well, I guess that was my first mistake! I didn't leave on horrible terms, but it wasn't exactly a tragic loss for them either. I had been very sick (before being specifically diagnosed with bi-polar) and my performance was suffering. Then I was on sick leave for 6 months before quitting. Now that I've been diagnosed, I'm more stable thanks to the meds, but I have the feeling that they're not going to bother even interviewing me for the position. Too bad, because I'd like to address the reason why my performance suffered so badly, and I'd like to have the chance to prove to them that, no, I'm not an idiot.

Much better...

Ah...it is much cooler this morning, and it is so refreshing!!! Yesterday, I was so cranky because of the temperature.

So hopefully today I can get back into the swing of things in the house. The kitchen looks like it was hit by a tornado, and the living room is not much better.

My list for the day is:

• Clean up the kitchen
• Pick up kids toys
• Vacuum
• Organize front hall closet.

Interesting pattern...

I've noticed a "yearly" pattern for myself; it's interesting. Part of me loves being home with the kids, but by August, I get restless and start looking for a job. I did it last year, and I did it again this year. By February, I'm utterly depressed, and it's almost impossible for me to get out of bed, let alone leave the house! When I had a breakdown and had to go on sick leave it was February, and I left Pfizer in February too.

So I've applied for an Admin Assistant job at the company where I first started working. Right now I know I really want to do this (I miss the salary), but I don't have a daycare spot for Mykah yet. If I do get this job, I'm going to combat the February blues with light therapy and bronzage!

Hot and Humid...ugh!

This is ridiculous; the humidity level in the house is so high that there's a thin layer of moisture on the floors. It's as if someone took a spray bottle and put a mist on the floors.

Yesterday, Zach wanted to go outside to play. We got outside and he flopped into one of the patio chairs and said, "Mommy, it's hotty. It's to hotty to play." It was very cute.

Luckily, our house stays fairly cool. It's 36 degrees outside, and only 27 degrees in the house. We have the dehumidifier running, hoping to bring down the humidity in the house. That's all well and good, but I still want an air conditioner!