Unspoken...

Was playing around with some thoughts and the following popped into my head..

If you could look into the depths of my soul, you would see the whisperings of my heart.

The feelings that reside there are beauteous works of sacred art.

I wish that I could take your hand and draw you very near,

And into your ear I’d whisper the words you long to hear.

“I love you, my beloved!”

But the words remain unspoken, a truth never to be revealed.

And deep within my spirit, must my secret love stay sealed.

This just in...Sock Monster Sighting.

My beloved friend Jessy sent me this picture the other day in an e-mail. She wrote, "Whilst opening my dryer mid-cycle, I managed to snap this photograph of the infamous Sock Monster, escaping to his lair; The Bermuda Sock Triangle..." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have actual documentation of the existence of the Sock Monster species that lives in everyone's dryers. As mentioned in the comments from the Mutant Mitten Troll post, I firmly believe that these two species are genetically related. Now that one has finally been spotted we must up the ante and try to apprehend one of these vile creatures for testing. Be vigilant! We will find a solution to this plague!

An Important Community Service Announcement...

I would like to take time now to bring your attention to a very serious problem that plagues the Elementary Schools in this region, and I am beginning to suspect may also be a problem as much as to the National level, but my sources have yet to confirm this. Lurking in the darkest recesses (pardon the pun) of our Elementary schools is an infestation of epic proportions. In the places where even the most conscientious janitor dares not to venture you will find colonies thriving. These nasty little creatures are not easily spotted by the human eye, and they do not discriminate as to who will be their next victim, however they do have a strong preference for the younger children. Yes, these creatures are every parent's worst nightmare.... the Mutant Mitten Trolls!!!!

Highly intelligent and cunning, these creatures prey on the mittens of distracted children. The Mutant Mitten Troll will patiently observe it's prey (all day if necessary) in order to find just the right moment to pounce and abscond with said prey sight unseen; at the time of attack the Troll emits a noxious gas, similar in smell to that of a child's fart in order to confuse and further distract anyone in the immediate area... in the middle of the confusion, he makes his attack swiftly and escapes. In most cases, the child won't even notice the mitten is gone until the end of the school day. Now having a mitten stolen by one of these trolls wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except for the fact that the Mutant Mitten Troll can only survive by eating only right-handed mittens...left-handed mittens are poisonous to the Troll and so he avoids them at all cost. Therefore you see the problem that then ensues at home because of this infestation. Children are constantly coming home with only their left- mittens... their right hands remain exposed to the elements and risk frostbite all because of these Mutant Mitten Trolls. We must find a solution to this problem... the sanity of many parents, and the warmth of our Children depend on it.

Thank you!

Acceptance...

Part of the process of healing has involved really loving myself and accepting myself as I am. Now that encompasses so many intricate levels. One of the biggest challenges I faced was the fact that the medications I used to take caused me to gain a ridiculous amount of weight which in turn began to take a serious toll on my state of health; I developed imbalances in my triglyceride levels, hypothyroidism, and sleep apnea. In the 6 months since I stopped taking the medication I am pleased to say that I have lost 34lbs, the sleep apnea is gone, my thyroid gland is functioning normally again without medication, and my triglyceride levels are back to normal. Hopefully I will continue to lose weight in order to continue to improve my overall health, as we all know the health risks that go hand in hand with being overweight. This past New Year's Eve I attended a party at a friend's house, and was encouraged to dance. Jessy managed to snap this picture, and I'm so glad she did. I proudly accept myself the way I am. I may not be perfect, but I am still beautiful. Thanks Jessy for helping me to be able to say that! It's nice to feel comfortable in my own skin again! I accept that I will never again look the way I did when in the Maiden phase of my life... instead I fully embrace the Mother Goddess aspect of my life and the beauty and voluptuousness of the body that comes with it!!!

More Meditation messages

On July 30, 2008 in another meditation I received the following message from my guides after pouring out my heart to them.

They said, " We are not asking, nor do we expect (or want you to) 'rock the boat' as you put it. We simply encourage you to discover what truly lies in your heart...to cease with suppressing and denying your inner Truth. By doing so, you free yourself from apathy, depression, anger, and rage. When you betray yourself, no matter the reason, you carry heavy weights and chains. We will help you, guide you, support you -- ask for our help always and then let us hold you in our loving embrace. We will carry you throughout the whole process. there is no need for radical life changes--we especially advise you against that. Just know what is in your heart, be honest with yourself. this will bring you inner peace and keep you on your true life's path. The darkness, the turmoil will pass, but you must release and accept your true feelings"

All I can say is WOW!

Healing...

I mentioned in one of my posts yesterday about how I have undergone a healing and transformation process over the course of the past few years that finally seemed to come full-circle in 2011. I now realize that this healing process began almost simultaneously with the diagnosis of the Bipolar disorder. On August 26, 2006 I posted about a series of wonky recurring dreams that I had been having where I would travel to a Chinese temple. At that temple a Chinese elder (whom I now believe was perhaps an Ascended Master) would work on me, knitting together the fibers within my brain…reorganizing and restructuring them to function properly. Now I would still have to deal with Doctors and medication, and struggle with an emotional roller-coaster for the next 5 years, but I believe healing was occurring, and I received confirmation of this fact almost 2 years after this dream.

On May 28, 2008 I found myself with a rare free moment where I chose to spend that time in meditation. I had forgotten to take my medication that morning, and as I meditated, I received a gentle nudge from my guides to go take them… as I argued the point with them (as stubborn people like me are apt to do) I also received a promise from them. They said, “It is important at this moment… for now, you need to take them (medication) as you’re supposed to . Do not worry about the rest. Your healing is happening. We are with you and we have begun the healing process, Dear One. But, for now, you still need the medications. Rest assured that the day will come when you will be free of this. Healing is happening on many levels, but for now you must continue with your treatment.” WOW! Of course the skeptic in me wondered if this were really true, or just wishful thinking on my part, so I asked for a sign. As my gaze fell across the yard to the boys’ swing-set, a male cardinal landed on the exact spot where I was looking. Even then I wondered, but I did get up to go take my meds.

That promise stuck with me, and from time to time I wondered how long it would be until it would come to pass…although part of me never expected it would be possible, and I almost even totally forgot about the promise I received that day. I focused on following my treatment and trying to improve myself every day…every day I had to fight through the fog of the medication-induced haze. Time passed and eventually my former Psychiatrist resigned his job and I was transferred to a new Psychiatrist...and that was a whole mess of shit. Every time I was scheduled to have an appointment with this new doctor, something managed to get in the way…one of the children came down with a fever… car broke down… and a couple of times the Doctor had to cancel. My opinion of her plummeted when I fought through my driving anxiety and got to the hospital for my 9:30 AM appointment one day only to be told that it had been cancelled. “Oh Madame, I called you at home but you didn’t answer. We called you just after 9AM!” Sure, fat lot of good that does when I live over an hour away and had to leave the house at 8AM just to be on time! Long story short, almost a year ended up passing without me ever having an appointment with this doctor. In May 2011 my prescription renewals were about to expire, and I called the Psychiatrist’s office (as I had been instructed to) in order to get the Dr. to call the pharmacy for a renewal. The secretary returned my call to inform me that the new doctor absolutely would not renew my meds because she had never met me and could not provide me with an appointment until at least a month after I would end up running out of medication. *NB: when I began taking the medications, it was drilled into my head that I should NEVER, ever stop taking the medication for any reason, and here my doctor was putting me in a situation where that’s exactly what I would be forced to do.

So I was forced to stop my medication over 6 months ago…I was scared…but I had no choice… I am proud to say that my head is clear, and I have been more stable than I have ever been in my life. It has been consistent, and it is wonderful.

Sisters...

For the longest time after my friendship with "Angel" ended, I thought perhaps I would never have such a friendship in my life again. Angel's frustrations with my behaviour (and her serious lack of knowledge regarding mental illness) led her to attack my character* and verbally vomit every single character flaw that pissed her off. Struggling with depression and self-loathing at the time, I took it all to heart, and for a while I truly believed that I was incapable of being a good friend to anyone. *Now here I must pause and address the fact that although Angel attacked my character, she did it directly to me. From what I can gather from bits and pieces of information that I learned over the years, I truly believe that she NEVER talked smack about me to other people behind my back after the fact. I recently had an e-mail conversation with a mutual acquaintance, Fleur, who has remained very close to her over the years. Fleur didn't even have a clue that Angel and I haven't spoken in years.

I still longed for female friends, and I also longed for a local coven to practice with. I finally found the Silver Roan Circle and went for coffee with MoonRaven (Créations Jessy) and WestWinds. We clicked instantly, but even after that I had a final struggle with depression that I had to get through before I would finally attend a Full Moon Ritual with them in the Spring of 2011. It took some effort on my part to get past the depression, and even on the night of the ritual I almost didn't go...I am so glad I did. As I began to practice regularly with them and get to know them outside of circle as friends I in turn began to blossom. In the summer 2011, another beautiful soul, Canu Sidhe, came into our lives and into our circle, and the bond with her is equally strong. I am so happy that I bit the bullet and fought through my depression to attend that first ritual even though I didn't feel like leaving the house because these women have become Sisters to me in every way. We have known each other for only a very short time, but it's as if we've known each other forever...it's hard to even remember what life was like without them!

Transforming...

Along with my "Bipolar" troubles, I was plunged into darkness and despair after losing my very best friend at the time, "Angel", a few years back. No, she didn't die, but our friendship did. She was driven away by the veil of darkness and narcissism that had taken a hold of my mind. It's funny how the worst experiences of our lives can be transformational. As difficult as losing her friendship was, it turned out to be the breaking point that opened my eyes and forced me to get the help I needed. I started to take responsibility for my illness which in turn allowed true healing to begin. The healing did NOT happen overnight... it has been very long process (several YEARS), but I have seen major milestones...results of that healing...in 2011. In my upcoming posts I will speak a bit about this transformation. As I mentioned in my first post today, I will try to break it down into bits and pieces so that nobody (including me) gets confused... at least I hope :D

REPOSTED: Morning Devotions

Until I can wrap my brain around exactly how to approach all of the topics I need to update, here is a bit of fun. I am reposting from one of my earlier entries sometime in 2008 (yeah, I forgot to note the date...oh well)

Jessy, I think you will love this one!

Morning Devotions...

Lovely Java,
Who art in my coffee pot,
Hallowed is your essence,
Your aroma and full-bodied flavor, good for my mind and my body
Give me today the ability to function
As my "engine" is having trouble to get going.
Java is my salvation, it keeps me awake,
It maketh my eyes pop open and my body to get going,
Yea though I wish to crawl back into my bed, it's caffeine content boosts me,
Help me to get through yet another morning;
For thine is the power to kick me in the butt, and to clear the cobwebs out of my brain.
Amen

<>
Okay, so maybe it's not a very good "poem", but it's true...

New Beginnings

My poor beautiful blog has been so horribly neglected...it's hard to believe that it has been over a year since I last posted. So I will have to spend some time bringing you up to date on the adventures of the Domestic Goddess in Training AKA WitchHazel. Since my last post, much has changed, but if I try to bring you up to date all in one posting, I fear you may become lost and confused...perhaps dare I say, even bored by my ramblings. So I will try to make my updates in small increments so as not to overwhelm you... heh heh... and so as not to overwhelm my own poor, erratic brain!