So my moods are just kind of "blah" lately... I don't feel depressed, but I don't feel super-good either. I can't seem to get anything done in the house beyond keeping the kitchen clean and keeping on top of the laundry. It's bad... I often find myself being bored, but I don't know what to do with myself...MY BRAIN IS STILL NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY!!!!!!!

I thought a housewife was supposed to be busy all the time... the work never ends, right? And there's obviously stuff that still needs doing around here, so why can't I get to it?! I seriously need a Life Management Coach, or someone to help me start kicking my ass into gear. I'm feel like I'm not moving forward in anything. I still need to make the same changes in my life:

• quit smoking
• eat regular, healthy meals
• lose 50 lbs (it used to be 30, but my meds are encouraging weight gain)
• drink more water
• exercise regularly

Okay, I do have to give myself credit in some areas.

1. For about a month now, I am getting in a regular meditation before I go to bed.
2. This week I did 30 crunches on Tuesday, and 30 crunches on Thursday
3. I have been drinking more water, and on Thursday I made it up to 5 glasses

Nice weekend.

I had a great weekend! I picked up my sister, Teri, on Thursday evening and brought her back to my house. Friday was the dentist for fillings... I was all nervous about the drive, and about the dental work. Teri managed to teach me a new method of coping with my fear of driving that breaks the trip down into familiar parts that I know I'm capable of doing. This opens up many possibilities for me, because the method really worked! The dental work went well... just one filling, and one filling repair.

Teri then spent the weekend with us, much to Zachary's joy (and mine). Teri has a way of kicking my butt into gear and inspiring me to get things done. My house is starting to look like a home again. The motivation so far has stuck as I already have a load of laundry in the washer, and I've folded and put away some of the laundry from yesterday (all before 7AM...yay).

So, on the list of things I will get done today:

• focus on home-business (today's appointments, and setting new appointments)
• Change sheets on beds
• Organize at least one closet
• Declutter the entertainment center

Sleep? Hah...

It is way too early to be up! Not only that, but I don't get my time to myself today before the kids wake up...because the kids are the reason I'm up so early! They must sense that we're going to have my sister over for the weekend, because at 4 AM, BOTH of them were up and rearing to go! Well, at least they are in good moods. LOL...Scarlet puts her kitties in kitty-jail when they wake her too early... does anyone know if they've invented a soundproof child jail yet?

Mmmmm...well, at least I have coffee!

All hail the gods of Risperdal...

Yes, the new dose of Risperdal is working nicely!!! I'm still lacking some motivation to do things around the house, but at least I'm feeling better. I'm waking early in the morning again, which I love, because it gives me time to myself before everyone else wakes up and chaos begins...it makes all the difference in my moods too.

Today I have an appointment with a psychologist who's rates are actually reasonable, and I know I like him, because I took some of the classes he taught at John Abbott 11 years ago. I'm hoping that he can help me learn lasting skills to cope with my disorder, and to implement lasting changes in the areas I want to create change.

Some venting...

The health care system really, really pisses me off! I know I need more help than I am currently getting, and yet I seem to be nowhere in getting it. When I started the Risperdal, it lifted me out of the funk I was in at the time, and it lasted longer than anything has so far, but alas, it was not long term. Now we have to up the dose of Risperdal to get me back to normal until it decides to stop working again! I was supposed to have a follow-up at the Douglas with the Depressive disorders clinic, but the waiting list is longer than I was led to believe, and still no further word from them. I feel that I am in need of more intensive treatment, monitoring of my meds, and most likely, counselling. Is a hospitalization in order? I don't know; I don't feel I'm coping well with life, but I wonder if I'm serious enough to take up a hospital space. It's just so hard to know, because at times I do really well, but when I crash, I crash hard. I mean, I told my Doctor where my thought patterns had been going lately, and asked about hospitalization, but I guess he didn't think it necessary! I am so frustrated, and pissed off, and I don't know what to do anymore. Is it possible to get the help I need? I hate this up and down...I'm going to completely lose it one day.

2 days of hell done...

Okay, so two days from the week of Doctor appointment hell are done with, and they weren't as painful as I expected. Yesterday's appointment with MCH occupational therapy for Mykah was slightly useless in my opinion..."It seems Mykah has gross motor skill delays (d'uh), but his fine motor skills and method of playing are very advanced (double d'uh)." Tell me something I didn't already know. We have follow-up in 2 months at which time if he still isn't walking, she may recommend physiotherapy (well, at least that would be useful)

Today was my appointment with my family doctor. Paxil and Lithium are to stay at the same level, but he's putting the Risperdal up to 1mg per day. He gave me shit because I still haven't gone to get my Lithium levels checked (I'm going next week). Over and done with quickly.

Tomorrow, I don't have to go anywhere, so I'm happy about that!

Thursday is the check-up for Mykah at the Shriner's hospital. I'm hoping the Dr. can take a quick look at Zach's feet too to see if he needs to be seen. He has these weird lumps on both feet, and I just want to make sure it's not a developing problem.

Upcoming Hellish week...

Yes, this week I will be in Doctor appointment hell; I have appointments 4 out of 5 days, and, of course, none of them are even remotely local. Today, we have to go to the Montreal Children's hospital for an appointment with Occupational Therapy for Mykah; I have no idea what to expect, except that it's an "evaluation" Anyway, that said - 40min drive each way.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my family doctor, and will hopefully get my meds adjusted. He's in Deux Montagnes - 45 min drive each way.

Wednesday is my one day off!

Thursday - Shriner's hospital to check up on Mykah's feet. Worried that the doctor might deem that Mykah needs surgery on his other foot as the orthotic doesn't seem to make a difference, and Mykah is still not walking. 40 minute Drive each way, but will sleep the night at my Mom's

Friday - long overdue dentist appointment in St. Lambert. Will leave from mom's, but still a 45 minute drive each way!

So that's my week!

Herb walk...and Ow, ow, ow!

I went on an herb walk yesterday with a wonderful group of people. It was incredible. We identified several plants...and some of them have even been growing in my garden at home and I've been ripping them out because I thought they were weeds! I had a great time.

The other thing I learned as a result of the herb walk is that I really NEED TO EXERCISE MORE; I am not in very good shape! I ended up doing over 3 hours of walking yesterday, and I am feeling the pain today. Anyway, instead of whining, I'm just going to do something about it.

1. Daily exercise - either a good walk, or my Yoga or Qigong DVD...NO MORE EXCUSES.
2. Start back up with my smoking cessation program...QUIT SMOKING, POINT FINALE!!!

That's it, that's all for now.

Am I ever actually going to be sane?????

Been having a lovely (note the sarcasm) time, what with the kids being sick. Mykah had it the worst, and it just seems to be clearing up in the last couple of days. I ended up having to take him to the doctor, and he only weighs 19.8lbs, and is only 28 inches tall. Now I'm freaking, because with the amount of food he eats, he should be way bigger than that.

Depression and anxiety have been acting up again...I can't even bring myself to leave the friggin' house. I was supposed to go to a friend's BBQ, and I couldn't do it. I really hope this goes away quick, because I have more doctors' appointments coming up for Mykah and Zach. My appointment with Dr. V is on Jul 11, and that's good, because I have a feeling we need to put up my dose of Risperdal to 1mg/day.