Welding...

It's so nice to be excited about what I'm doing for once in my life.  My eyes pop open every morning, and I'm excited to go to school.  We are learning new and interesting things... things that I could never have imagined that I'd be doing (AND enjoying) only a couple of short years ago.  For example, we started our soudage a l'arc (arc welding) course this week, and to my pleasant surprise, I really enjoyed it and it turns out that I also have the potential to become very good at welding.

The Man laughed condescendingly when I originally told him I'd be learning welding... he just couldn't imagine me doing it.  He actually tried to put me off of it... although he'd say he was just trying to prepare me for something he assumed I would hate.  He was also so sure that I'd be very bad at it.  So I snapped a picture of some of the practice work I did MY FIRST TIME WELDING EVER.

The Man's jaw dropped when he saw my work.  Apparently his first welding practice didn't look anywhere near as good as this.  Once again he had to eat his words!!!

The Greatest of Gifts

One of my homework assignments for my course is to prepare an oral presentation about why I chose this career path... I will be presenting this in front of my class on Wednesday.  When I finished writing it, I had the Man read through it before translating it for feedback as to whether it's any good.  Unfortunately he couldn't speak after reading it because it moved him to tears (which is a very rare occurrence).  And so I decided to share it here as well.

The Greatest of Gifts
"Since I have almost no past experience with horses, I have decided to speak to you more about why I decided to take this course.  In order to be able to better understand why I’m here, you first need to understand a little bit about the proverbial road that brought me to this path.  So let me paint a picture for your mind.

Now I would like you all to imagine a woman who’s eyes are full of sadness and pain.  Lost in a haze of medications that the doctors said she would have to take for the rest of her life; her brain had become her number one enemy and her body was quickly following suit.  A mere shadow of the woman she once was… a mere shadow of the woman who stands before you today.  I was merely existing, and rapidly losing the will to live until a simple day out with good friends helped to completely start turning things around.

This is Leya, and this first day spent with her involved a little bit of riding, but also just spending time with Leya, brushing her, being near her.  It was a wonderful experience, but it is the long-term after-effects, of my time spent with her, that is truly amazing.  In the weeks and months that followed, my thought processes started to clear.  I was finally able to get off the medications that had clouded my mind for far to many years.  My energy levels increased slowly, I struggled less and less with depression, and I finally started to lose weight (slowly and steadily), and I rediscovered my joie-de-vivre.  You may wonder what mental illness has to do with horses… well, in my case it has EVERYTHING to do with my choice to be here.  I truly believe that Leya helped to save my life.

I had always dreamed of working with horses, but never thought that it could become a reality.  About a week after my visit with Leya, we found the ad in the local paper for this course with the centre des moissons, and I just knew that I had to find out more.  I attended the information session in the Fall of 2011, and although I needed extra time before registering, I knew it was something I was meant to do. 

Now the doors are wide open, and there are so many possibilities available to me once I complete this course.  I have an idea of where I want to go, but it’s too early for anything concrete… I must leave my options open.  One thing I am 100% certain of, though, is that I hope to have the opportunity in the future to work with horses in a way that can help other people suffering from mental illness, mood disorders, learning disorders, etc.  I am a living example of the therapeutic effect that horses have on humans, and I want to be able to share that gift with others. 

Horses have given me a greater gift than I could ever have hoped for.  They have given me back my fire, my passion for life.  So it is only natural that I now move forward and invest my passion in giving back to them; to enrich their lives as they have enriched mine!"

Epic craziness...

School has been in full swing for a little under 2 weeks now for me, and my head is just swimming with information.  I am pleased to report that the French has not been as overwhelming as I had originally feared it would be... instead, I'm finding that already my French has started to improve by leaps and bounds.  Now I know it's true that the best way to learn/improve a language skill is the proverbial "sink or swim" method!!!

Yesterday we started the portion of the course that will teach us maintenance and driving a tractor.  Today, we took a closer look at some of the basics like how to check the radiator fluid, oil, and transmission fluid.  Yes, we had to climb up on the wheel of the tractor (not an easy feat for someone with short legs like me, I might add ) and get a little dirty... heh heh... it felt pretty good.  A couple of the other students got to drive the tractor today, but since there were 10 of us and only 1 tractor, not everyone got a turn today.  Hopefully 2 other tractors will be ready on Tuesday so that the rest of us can get a turn.  But ACK... the tractor is a manual transmission...it's a little intimidating for me, but I really think this is going to be fun!!!!!

First Day of School for me...

School started officially for me today with a trip to Expo Champs in St-Liboire.  It's basically an agricultural Expo where different people in the domain provide information and services.  It was quite overwhelming as there was so much to see, but also very interesting.  I now have brochures for educational purposes coming out of my ears so to speak... LOL  I even got a free standard size loaf of whole-grain bread from a specialized manufacturer.  There was so many different types of agricultural/farming equipment on display...  this one huge machine for processing cereal grains was particularly impressive.
This is the view from up top of the back of the machine...

This picture was taken in the driver's seat... yes, I think I'll do pretty well driving a tractor :D

Backfire... WitchHazel 1; The Man 0

The Man hasn't been very supportive of me in regards to the course I will be taking.  He keeps saying that he just can't visualize me doing maintenance on tractors, shovelling horse shit or anything like that.  Today he decided to be a smart-ass and tried to prove his point by asking me if I wanted to "learn" to change the oil on the car... little did he know is that I learned how to change the oil on a car before I ever even met him, and his plan totally backfired on him.  The look on his face was priceless when I competently changed the oil on the car with confidence all by myself.  The only help I needed from him was to loosen the bolt in order to drain the oil because we didn't have a longer ratchet handle and I couldn't get enough torque (he even had trouble loosening the damned bolt).

Needless to say that now he was forced to admit that perhaps he was mistaken in his original opinion.

And so it begins...

This past Thursday I attended the orientation session at the CFP des Moissons which is the school through which I will be taking my Animal Production course.  I met the teachers, and learned a lot more about the type of things I will be learning throughout my training.  All I can say is WOW... it is a little daunting as there is so much to learn, but basically by the end of this course it looks like I will not only be able to more than competently care for horses, but I will also be a little bit of a "jack of all trades".  I will learn to drive a forklift, drive a tractor, and maybe even a truck.. I will know how to grow good quality food for the horses... right down to being able to accurately calculate how much fertilizer I'll need to prepare the field for planting.  I will learn basic plumbing, welding, "oxycoupage", maintenance and repair of farm equipment, and so much more...

My classes start on Tuesday, and although I'm nervous as to how I'll handle the new schedule and all the work (especially because my courses are ALL in FRENCH) , I am very, very, very excited

Progress...

The past year has been a year of major progress for me in terms of physical and mental health.  I have been free of medications for a year now, and I'm happy to say that I'm doing very well.  Since this time last year, I have lost 55 lbs, and I hadn't even realized just how much of a physical transformation had taken place until I saw a picture of myself that was taken over the July 1st holiday weekend this year and then compared it with pictures taken over the same weekend in 2011.  And now I share them as a reminder to myself of how far I have come, and to encourage others that transformation is indeed possible.

ahhhhh... sometimes change is very, very good!!!!!

Sheela Na Gig

The drummer starts the pounding beat,
Goddess, Sheela Na Gig, descends...

She is sensual, provocative, erotic,
she's your lover, and your best friend.

She smiles coyly and beckons you into the circle; you are caught up in her trance.
Your body pulses with the beat of the drum as you join the rapturous dance.

She commands your respect, she intrigues you...
From her, your eyes can not be torn..

And as one you follow the beat of the drum into the wee hours of the morn...

WitchHazel...

Jessy, wrote this very sexy poem dedicated to me.  Thank you, my dear, sweet sister, it is beautiful and oh so very naughty...I love it, and I am honoured!!!!

WitchHazel

◊

She stands before them, a crowd of men

Reciting a piece of prose she’d penned.

Her heart and soul spills from her lips

But she knows. She knows,

What they want are her hips…

◊

The lights are dimmed, candles are lit

There’s not a sound in the room but the clock’s tic… tic… tic…

From somewhere begins the slow beat of a drum,

She feels the shift; her body, it hums.

◊

The drummer begins to quicken the beat.

WitchHazel quickens the dance of her feet

Her hips, they roll. her breasts they heave

The crowd is panting, no-one speaks.

◊

The temptress has awoken. She is alive, in the flesh.

She is dancing, and slithering, and flaunting her chest.

Her skin is on fire, her body is hot

The men shift in their seats to make room for their cocks…

◊

Yet…

◊

The beat slows down, the song comes to an end.

And the men all pray she’ll come dance again…

And here is a picture of the Temptress at Litha:

Video of me Singing...

Here's a bit of fun from my night out.  It's been years since I sang in front of a microphone, because my nerves started to get the better of me in front of large crowds.  So when I found a quiet little Karaoke bar not far from my home, I thought I'd give singing a shot again.  There was only 1 other client in the bar as well as the bartender when I sang this, so nerves weren't such an issue.  WOOT!  In this video I'm singing All That Jazz from the musical Chicago.  Now it's not a perfect rendition, but at least it was decent enough so that anyone listening won't suffer too badly.

Intentions...

If your intention was to deceive,
Then to your pain, you shall find no relief.
But if the words you spoke were true,
Then goodness and happiness will come to you.

If you lied and manipulated me,
May Hell descend upon you three times three.
But if everything you told me was real
Then on your behalf to the Gods I appeal
that they bring peace into your life.

Your true intentions will now be shown
You will reap what you have sown.
If the truth is all you spoke to me,
you have nothing to fear, so mote it be!
May this spell not reverse or place upon me any curse.

Horses... and Oh Shit I'm Going to DIE

Today my body is HATING me.  I am aware of muscles I didn't even know I had.  Everything hurts and yet all I keep thinking is, "It was so worth it!!!"  Yesterday the boys and I had a lovely day spent at WestWind's family farm.  WestWinds started teaching me basic caring for the horses... how to lead a horse properly, cleaning out the hooves, and how to tack-up a horse (put on the bridle and saddle, etc.).  I also got to do a bit of riding in the round pen on Leya.  Now this was only my second time up on a horse, so I have A LOT left to learn.
What we unfortunately didn't capture in a picture or even on video was from my first time up on Leya yesterday.  Getting a feel for riding, there is so much to remember and as a beginner, my body's natural tendency is to tense up especially when the horse starts to move faster... which ironically was also actually a cue to the horse making her think I wanted her to go faster..  as I tensed up, I also made the mistake of pulling my knees up too much so as Leya went into a trot or maybe even as fast as a canter, I bounced right out of the saddle... Yes, I FELL OFF THE HORSE.  As I felt myself falling to the left of her, I tried to stop the fall by grabbing the right side of the saddle...  I didn't manage to stop the fall, but did somehow manage to get my finger caught in the saddle... and as my body was falling to the left and my hand was caught on the far right, all I remember thinking was "OH SHIT!!!!!!"  Yeah, you know one of those "Oh Shit" moments where you start to see your life pass before your eyes!  Ironically I actually ended up landing on my feet, but every muscle in my body got wrenched, and luckily Leya is a calm horse because if she had bolted while my hand was still caught in the saddle, my elbow probably would have snapped!  I am proud to say that I got back up to ride her again TWICE after I fell.  I am sore and bruised, but I also feel great.  Now I will have to forever endure the good-natured teasing from my friends because Leya is such a good-natured horse it's apparently quite the feat to have managed to fall off of her.

On another note, I also made another equine friend yesterday too.  I fell in love with this big boy!

Fate = Bullshit

I no longer believe in destiny like I once did.  Recently I have learned an important lesson that has perhaps woken me up to face the reality that Fate is complete BULLSHIT.  Fate does exist... destiny puts people and situations in our path... things that could turn out very well for us if we make the right choices.  But that is the catch... the fine-print so to speak.  Free will plays a much larger role in the grand scheme of things... Fate may have wonderful plans for us, but we have choices to make... and by making the wrong choices, we are capable of totally FUCKING up what destiny has set before us on our path.  The Universe sets situations and special people on our path, and it is up to us to choose whether to accept what Fate gives us.  When fear and procrastination get in the way... when we take too long to make the difficult choices, we slap Fate in the face and say, "Fuck you, I am not interested in the good things that you lay before me."  What pathetic creatures we are.  To throw such gifts away... to refuse happiness when it is handed to us all because we are too afraid to take a risk... too afraid to change what we are used to... too afraid to let go of what we know and what is comfortable... too afraid to embark on a new and wonderful adventure that could bring immense happiness to our lives.  We are creatures of habit, and have the tendency to cling to the things we know.., to cling to the familiar even when the familiar is harmful and toxic to us.  Why do we punish ourselves so?

Wrong...

I'm so tired of trying to pretend that everything is okay.  Nothing is okay right now.  Yet I still have to put on a brave face and pretend that I'm fine when I'm not!!!  Nothing is right.  When you came back into my life you showed me what had been missing all these years... and now that we have to be apart, the emptiness you have left me with is overwhelming.  How patient do I have to be before the gods decide it has been enough?  How much do I have to hurt before I get relief?  I know you are going through hell too right now, and I am hurting for you.  All I want is to be able to hold you in my arms... I want to look into your gorgeous eyes and just rest in the beauty of the relationship that we have.  I know you came back into my life for a very good reason... what I don't understand is why you had to be taken away from me again so soon?  It is hell to love someone so much and to not be able to  be with them...talk to them... hold them...The worst part is that I know you feel the same way and yet it still has to be like this.  This is so wrong.

2012 Garden

What a gorgeous long weekend we had.  The weather was absolutely beautiful, and it was time to get the vegetable garden and the herb garden planted.  I keep it really simple for now, although eventually I would like to do more.  So in terms of vegetables, I will have a TON of tomatoes... we eat them like mad around here, especially in the summer when we can get them fresh.  I will have tomatoes GALORE!  If I find I am drowning in tomatoes when they ripen, I may just have to sell some!  I also decided to try out planting some leeks this year, although I am concerned they may not quite make it due to a *ahem* "mishap" with the lawnmower.  Although since the roots of the leeks are still fully intact after said mishap, I am hoping they will still pull through :D  The picture below shows a portion of the vegetable garden... after this picture was taken, I also added some eggplants, and will also be planting lettuce once I buy the seeds.

My herb garden is mostly planted in a very large container.  This year I have garlic chives, estragon (sorry, don't know the English term so it's the French name), standard basil, dwarf basil, creeping thyme, curled parsley, coriander, sage, and I'm trying to grow some garlic too.  

I also am attempting to grow lavender again this year.  I used to have a gorgeous, HUGE lavender plant in my back yard that also fell victim to... yes... a lawnmower "mishap"... totally not my fault!  since then, I have had the worst luck with lavender, but that was trying to grow it in a container in the house... just can't seem to do it. so this year I bought 3 lavender plants and will plant them in 3 different places on my property.  Hopefully they will all do well... I will be happy if at least 1 of them survives.

What we regret in the end...

This is not my property; I do not own these words or this image.  But the words hit home and I had to share it.

Tears...

An endless flood of tears wells up from deep inside.
Grief and sorrow overwhelm me over lost love we left behind.
I long to hold you in my arms, to see your beautiful face,
My heart is broken, damaged...something that cannot be replaced.

I wish that I could stop the tears,
but I know this wound will haunt me for years.
I will never be the same.

Instructions for life by the Dalai Lama

1.Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2.When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3.Follow the three R’s:
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others and
- Responsibility for all your actions.
4.Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5.Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6.Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7.When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8.Spend some time alone every day.
9.Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10.Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12.A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13.In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14.Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15.Be gentle with the earth.
16.Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17.Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18.Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19.If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
20.If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
~♥♥•*❤~ℒℴ℣ℇ~`❤*•♥♥ ~



The wisdom of these words are comforting right now. I am hurting, but have already forgiven the person who hurt me. I do know in my heart that it was a very difficult choice for them, and one they didn't want to have to make. I will always love that person... that person will always hold a very special place in my heart. I just miss that person very much. Hamlak atas tayriw, always... whether you are in my life or not. Find happiness...create joy in your life, no matter what you have to do... Just be happy!!!

Stupidity...

My friend, Jessy, suggested that I use my writing to express myself in order to help me to deal with the crap I'm feeling right now.  Sure it's a great idea, but I'm struggling with the courage to actually write what I'm feeling.  Once it's out there, I can't take it back, and with the hurt and anger I'm feeling, will I write something that I may later regret?  But I guess the most important thing is that I do what I need to do in order to get through this... it's most important that I deal with the hurt in a way that will help me to heal, instead of internalizing it and allowing it to harm me.  There is a part of me that doesn't want to write for fear of offending this other person if my perception of this situation is wrong...  but is it worth avoiding offending someone else at my own expense?  I must be true to myself first, and if I'm wrong and if this person is after all the type of person I originally thought they were, then they will be able to look at things from my point of view and truly understand why I am feeling this way.

I made the mistake of trusting in someone when I knew that I shouldn't.  I allowed myself to become vulnerable emotionally to this person, fully knowing from past experience how things would turn out.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....  So I am angry at myself because I knew better.  Yes, it's complicated... knowing better doesn't always stop us from caring for someone, even when they don't deserve it.  My friend WestWinds told me that one of my most beautiful qualities is my capacity and willingness to love people so completely.  But that same quality is a double-edged sword, and it hurts like hell every time I fall upon the blade.  I try to see the good in people, I try to be honest, and naively I believe their pretty speech, I assume they will treat me with the same respect that I initially give to them... I want to believe others are as honest with me as I try to be with them...  it would better serve me to look at their actions because therein lies their truth.  Actions speak louder than words, and if a person's actions don't match what they are saying to you, then their words have no meaning whatsoever.

The sad thing is that even after all of this, I still love this person immensely.  A part of me STILL wants to believe that they weren't trying to deceive me.  Even worse is that there is still a part of me that also hopes the day will come where this person will prove all of my present doubts to be wrong... part of me hopes that they will be able to one day prove to me that they really did mean every word they said.  How stupid is that, eh?

Broken...

My heart is broken, shattered in two
Once again I had to say goodbye to you.
Yet despite my pain, I don't regret
Though I should have told you, "No, not yet"
You say you'll come back; I don't know if that's true
Time will tell if you love me as much as you say you do?

 

Change...

The anger and the hatred that I saw there in your eyes,
as you raised your fist to strike me, it caught me by surprise.
What stopped you in that moment, I guess I'll never know
because you'll never get the chance to get in a single blow!!!!

Perhaps you only stopped yourself because I wouldn't show my fear,
But that split-second changed everything and sealed our fate, my dear.

Longing...

Once again thoughts are bouncing around inside of my head, and this is the result:

Wrap your arms around me, just hold me for a while.

Run your fingers through my hair and I will surely smile.

Kiss away my inhibitions, remove every trace.

Oh how my heart melts when I am in your embrace!

You ignite within me a passionate flame,

every cell in my being calls out your name.

I search for you, I long for more

It is more intense than it was before.

EPIC stuff my son will say....

My son, Minion (yes, that is my youngest son's nickname) has been a constant source of comic relief for us over the course of his little life. He will say some of the craziest things sometimes that make you go, "WTF?" Minion at times is like a 65-year old man in a 7-year old body, and quite often he comes out with something that will just drop you to the floor laughing hysterically. On Saturday we had one of those moments... Minion was in a very silly mood, and was going on about how he can't wait to grow a moustache and how he will grow it very long and put gel in it and curl up the sides like an old Italian man (his words exactly). Then he proceeded to tell us how he would talk and walk when wearing said-styled moustache. We were already in stitches and I looked at The Man (husband) and said through my laughter, "Where the heck did we get this kid from again?" To which Minion, without missing a beat, pipes up, "You got me from the Pizza Store, Mom!" and breaks into singing his very own version of "Sexy and I know it" complete with mock Italian accent and a few "Mamma Mias" added in for good measure.

Yes, needless to say I nearly fell out of my computer chair, I was laughing so hard.

Charge of the Goddess for the Depressed Soul!

I was looking through my old journals again and I came across another entry where I channelled words of wisdom… Even from the beginning of my depression, the Lady was watching over me :D This is my journal entry from October 19, 2003 as I sat beside the lake at a friend’s house in Saint-Michel-des-Saints. These are the words the Goddess spoke to my wounded soul... may they uplift you and bring you light!

The silence here is deafening… the Lady has so much to show me; She has so much to say:

“I was with you then, as I am with you now. Do not worry, do not fear for I will guide you as you have asked. Beauty and happiness are all around you; just open your eyes and be willing to see it. Sometimes you may have to work to find it, but it is always there. Let go, be free… no longer shall the shackles of depression bind you… I am there for you and I will help you find the strength within to overcome your fears! You are a powerful, intelligent woman and I am in you. You are also Goddess! Never forget that the power to change is always within your reach! You are a good mother! You have the strength to do everything you need to do!

See that rock sitting in the water over there? So still… so strong! Your will and your spirit are thousands of times stronger… that is why you have been able to come so far! And I promise that you will find peace! Your soul and your mind will become more tranquil than the water in this lake is at this moment. You will come to a point where all is clear and focused. That is what this depression is about… sorting through the garbage, getting rid of what you don’t need, so you can find this tranquility. But don’t fight the process. Be brave and willing to face the ‘demons’ of your life. For if you face and confront them, they will no longer have power over you!”

Unspoken...

Was playing around with some thoughts and the following popped into my head..

If you could look into the depths of my soul, you would see the whisperings of my heart.

The feelings that reside there are beauteous works of sacred art.

I wish that I could take your hand and draw you very near,

And into your ear I’d whisper the words you long to hear.

“I love you, my beloved!”

But the words remain unspoken, a truth never to be revealed.

And deep within my spirit, must my secret love stay sealed.

This just in...Sock Monster Sighting.

My beloved friend Jessy sent me this picture the other day in an e-mail. She wrote, "Whilst opening my dryer mid-cycle, I managed to snap this photograph of the infamous Sock Monster, escaping to his lair; The Bermuda Sock Triangle..." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have actual documentation of the existence of the Sock Monster species that lives in everyone's dryers. As mentioned in the comments from the Mutant Mitten Troll post, I firmly believe that these two species are genetically related. Now that one has finally been spotted we must up the ante and try to apprehend one of these vile creatures for testing. Be vigilant! We will find a solution to this plague!

An Important Community Service Announcement...

I would like to take time now to bring your attention to a very serious problem that plagues the Elementary Schools in this region, and I am beginning to suspect may also be a problem as much as to the National level, but my sources have yet to confirm this. Lurking in the darkest recesses (pardon the pun) of our Elementary schools is an infestation of epic proportions. In the places where even the most conscientious janitor dares not to venture you will find colonies thriving. These nasty little creatures are not easily spotted by the human eye, and they do not discriminate as to who will be their next victim, however they do have a strong preference for the younger children. Yes, these creatures are every parent's worst nightmare.... the Mutant Mitten Trolls!!!!

Highly intelligent and cunning, these creatures prey on the mittens of distracted children. The Mutant Mitten Troll will patiently observe it's prey (all day if necessary) in order to find just the right moment to pounce and abscond with said prey sight unseen; at the time of attack the Troll emits a noxious gas, similar in smell to that of a child's fart in order to confuse and further distract anyone in the immediate area... in the middle of the confusion, he makes his attack swiftly and escapes. In most cases, the child won't even notice the mitten is gone until the end of the school day. Now having a mitten stolen by one of these trolls wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except for the fact that the Mutant Mitten Troll can only survive by eating only right-handed mittens...left-handed mittens are poisonous to the Troll and so he avoids them at all cost. Therefore you see the problem that then ensues at home because of this infestation. Children are constantly coming home with only their left- mittens... their right hands remain exposed to the elements and risk frostbite all because of these Mutant Mitten Trolls. We must find a solution to this problem... the sanity of many parents, and the warmth of our Children depend on it.

Thank you!

Acceptance...

Part of the process of healing has involved really loving myself and accepting myself as I am. Now that encompasses so many intricate levels. One of the biggest challenges I faced was the fact that the medications I used to take caused me to gain a ridiculous amount of weight which in turn began to take a serious toll on my state of health; I developed imbalances in my triglyceride levels, hypothyroidism, and sleep apnea. In the 6 months since I stopped taking the medication I am pleased to say that I have lost 34lbs, the sleep apnea is gone, my thyroid gland is functioning normally again without medication, and my triglyceride levels are back to normal. Hopefully I will continue to lose weight in order to continue to improve my overall health, as we all know the health risks that go hand in hand with being overweight. This past New Year's Eve I attended a party at a friend's house, and was encouraged to dance. Jessy managed to snap this picture, and I'm so glad she did. I proudly accept myself the way I am. I may not be perfect, but I am still beautiful. Thanks Jessy for helping me to be able to say that! It's nice to feel comfortable in my own skin again! I accept that I will never again look the way I did when in the Maiden phase of my life... instead I fully embrace the Mother Goddess aspect of my life and the beauty and voluptuousness of the body that comes with it!!!

More Meditation messages

On July 30, 2008 in another meditation I received the following message from my guides after pouring out my heart to them.

They said, " We are not asking, nor do we expect (or want you to) 'rock the boat' as you put it. We simply encourage you to discover what truly lies in your heart...to cease with suppressing and denying your inner Truth. By doing so, you free yourself from apathy, depression, anger, and rage. When you betray yourself, no matter the reason, you carry heavy weights and chains. We will help you, guide you, support you -- ask for our help always and then let us hold you in our loving embrace. We will carry you throughout the whole process. there is no need for radical life changes--we especially advise you against that. Just know what is in your heart, be honest with yourself. this will bring you inner peace and keep you on your true life's path. The darkness, the turmoil will pass, but you must release and accept your true feelings"

All I can say is WOW!

Healing...

I mentioned in one of my posts yesterday about how I have undergone a healing and transformation process over the course of the past few years that finally seemed to come full-circle in 2011. I now realize that this healing process began almost simultaneously with the diagnosis of the Bipolar disorder. On August 26, 2006 I posted about a series of wonky recurring dreams that I had been having where I would travel to a Chinese temple. At that temple a Chinese elder (whom I now believe was perhaps an Ascended Master) would work on me, knitting together the fibers within my brain…reorganizing and restructuring them to function properly. Now I would still have to deal with Doctors and medication, and struggle with an emotional roller-coaster for the next 5 years, but I believe healing was occurring, and I received confirmation of this fact almost 2 years after this dream.

On May 28, 2008 I found myself with a rare free moment where I chose to spend that time in meditation. I had forgotten to take my medication that morning, and as I meditated, I received a gentle nudge from my guides to go take them… as I argued the point with them (as stubborn people like me are apt to do) I also received a promise from them. They said, “It is important at this moment… for now, you need to take them (medication) as you’re supposed to . Do not worry about the rest. Your healing is happening. We are with you and we have begun the healing process, Dear One. But, for now, you still need the medications. Rest assured that the day will come when you will be free of this. Healing is happening on many levels, but for now you must continue with your treatment.” WOW! Of course the skeptic in me wondered if this were really true, or just wishful thinking on my part, so I asked for a sign. As my gaze fell across the yard to the boys’ swing-set, a male cardinal landed on the exact spot where I was looking. Even then I wondered, but I did get up to go take my meds.

That promise stuck with me, and from time to time I wondered how long it would be until it would come to pass…although part of me never expected it would be possible, and I almost even totally forgot about the promise I received that day. I focused on following my treatment and trying to improve myself every day…every day I had to fight through the fog of the medication-induced haze. Time passed and eventually my former Psychiatrist resigned his job and I was transferred to a new Psychiatrist...and that was a whole mess of shit. Every time I was scheduled to have an appointment with this new doctor, something managed to get in the way…one of the children came down with a fever… car broke down… and a couple of times the Doctor had to cancel. My opinion of her plummeted when I fought through my driving anxiety and got to the hospital for my 9:30 AM appointment one day only to be told that it had been cancelled. “Oh Madame, I called you at home but you didn’t answer. We called you just after 9AM!” Sure, fat lot of good that does when I live over an hour away and had to leave the house at 8AM just to be on time! Long story short, almost a year ended up passing without me ever having an appointment with this doctor. In May 2011 my prescription renewals were about to expire, and I called the Psychiatrist’s office (as I had been instructed to) in order to get the Dr. to call the pharmacy for a renewal. The secretary returned my call to inform me that the new doctor absolutely would not renew my meds because she had never met me and could not provide me with an appointment until at least a month after I would end up running out of medication. *NB: when I began taking the medications, it was drilled into my head that I should NEVER, ever stop taking the medication for any reason, and here my doctor was putting me in a situation where that’s exactly what I would be forced to do.

So I was forced to stop my medication over 6 months ago…I was scared…but I had no choice… I am proud to say that my head is clear, and I have been more stable than I have ever been in my life. It has been consistent, and it is wonderful.

Sisters...

For the longest time after my friendship with "Angel" ended, I thought perhaps I would never have such a friendship in my life again. Angel's frustrations with my behaviour (and her serious lack of knowledge regarding mental illness) led her to attack my character* and verbally vomit every single character flaw that pissed her off. Struggling with depression and self-loathing at the time, I took it all to heart, and for a while I truly believed that I was incapable of being a good friend to anyone. *Now here I must pause and address the fact that although Angel attacked my character, she did it directly to me. From what I can gather from bits and pieces of information that I learned over the years, I truly believe that she NEVER talked smack about me to other people behind my back after the fact. I recently had an e-mail conversation with a mutual acquaintance, Fleur, who has remained very close to her over the years. Fleur didn't even have a clue that Angel and I haven't spoken in years.

I still longed for female friends, and I also longed for a local coven to practice with. I finally found the Silver Roan Circle and went for coffee with MoonRaven (Créations Jessy) and WestWinds. We clicked instantly, but even after that I had a final struggle with depression that I had to get through before I would finally attend a Full Moon Ritual with them in the Spring of 2011. It took some effort on my part to get past the depression, and even on the night of the ritual I almost didn't go...I am so glad I did. As I began to practice regularly with them and get to know them outside of circle as friends I in turn began to blossom. In the summer 2011, another beautiful soul, Canu Sidhe, came into our lives and into our circle, and the bond with her is equally strong. I am so happy that I bit the bullet and fought through my depression to attend that first ritual even though I didn't feel like leaving the house because these women have become Sisters to me in every way. We have known each other for only a very short time, but it's as if we've known each other forever...it's hard to even remember what life was like without them!

Transforming...

Along with my "Bipolar" troubles, I was plunged into darkness and despair after losing my very best friend at the time, "Angel", a few years back. No, she didn't die, but our friendship did. She was driven away by the veil of darkness and narcissism that had taken a hold of my mind. It's funny how the worst experiences of our lives can be transformational. As difficult as losing her friendship was, it turned out to be the breaking point that opened my eyes and forced me to get the help I needed. I started to take responsibility for my illness which in turn allowed true healing to begin. The healing did NOT happen overnight... it has been very long process (several YEARS), but I have seen major milestones...results of that healing...in 2011. In my upcoming posts I will speak a bit about this transformation. As I mentioned in my first post today, I will try to break it down into bits and pieces so that nobody (including me) gets confused... at least I hope :D

REPOSTED: Morning Devotions

Until I can wrap my brain around exactly how to approach all of the topics I need to update, here is a bit of fun. I am reposting from one of my earlier entries sometime in 2008 (yeah, I forgot to note the date...oh well)

Jessy, I think you will love this one!

Morning Devotions...

Lovely Java,
Who art in my coffee pot,
Hallowed is your essence,
Your aroma and full-bodied flavor, good for my mind and my body
Give me today the ability to function
As my "engine" is having trouble to get going.
Java is my salvation, it keeps me awake,
It maketh my eyes pop open and my body to get going,
Yea though I wish to crawl back into my bed, it's caffeine content boosts me,
Help me to get through yet another morning;
For thine is the power to kick me in the butt, and to clear the cobwebs out of my brain.
Amen

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Okay, so maybe it's not a very good "poem", but it's true...

New Beginnings

My poor beautiful blog has been so horribly neglected...it's hard to believe that it has been over a year since I last posted. So I will have to spend some time bringing you up to date on the adventures of the Domestic Goddess in Training AKA WitchHazel. Since my last post, much has changed, but if I try to bring you up to date all in one posting, I fear you may become lost and confused...perhaps dare I say, even bored by my ramblings. So I will try to make my updates in small increments so as not to overwhelm you... heh heh... and so as not to overwhelm my own poor, erratic brain!