Christmas with Mom and the kids

We had a nice day, although pretty quiet. Christmas just isn't the same when my sister is not here. The kids loved their toys, though. And I hit the jackpot, because my hubby bought me season 1 & 2 of Gray's Anatomy.... I am so, so, so happy with that gift!

Overall I'm feeling better with just one slight problem. The Clonazepam that I'm taking to help with the anxiety does in fact help...but it makes me so drowsy it's ridiculous! I'm hoping my body will adjust to it or else we will have to find another solution!

Thank you!!!

Thank you Gods; with the help of my new medication, I actually had 8 hours of uninterrupted, restful sleep last night, and this morning I feel great! So "All hail the Gods of Flurazepam!" I feel good...I feel really good... I actually feel as if I will get things accomplished today. I'm so happy!

Good news and bad news...

The good news and the bad news is that I could end up going into a high over the holidays, according to my doctor. He's made some fairly drastic changes to my meds which will do me some good in the long run, but could send me slightly manic... Bring it on! I've been so depressed lately that a bout of hypomania would be a welcome relief for a change!

So I continue on the Paxil, I increase the Valproic Acid, I will be stopping the Risperdal and the Lithium, and he's added an anti-anxiety and an anti-insomnia

So overall it's good news, although I may drive my family nuts if I do go into mania... oh well, at least I'll have the energy to help out in the kitchen!

Fast approaching...

Oh yes, the day is quickly approaching. Around here we celebrate on the 25th, just because that's what everyone is used to, and our families do the Christmas thing. I will do my own thing for Yule tomorrow night. Anyway it really doesn't make a difference to me, because whether you do Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever, the main theme is basically the same or similar.

My son Zach is all excited for Santa Claus to come and leave him presents, and I can't wait to see the kids opening their presents on Christmas morning. They're both at a good age where they'll get all excited, ripping open the packages with squeals of delight....although knowing my boys, the squeals will be much louder...more like ear-piercing shrieks of delight. All the better.

Also, Zach is excited, because he gets two Christmases this year. One on the 25th at home, and one on the 31st at my Mom's. Mom will be coming out on the 25th to open presents with us, but my sister is in Michigan with her husband for Christmas this year, so we'll exchange gifts with her on the 31st. Zachy asks me every day when his TeeTee (my sister) will be home; he is very close with her and misses her fiercely. We're doing a count-down with him on the calendar for the days until she comes home, and it seems to be helping.

Finally...

I think I'm finally coming out of my latest funk. It's about time too, because it was getting pretty bad. Thanks to Aurora for her loving advice on my LJ site as it was very helpful!

Although my motivation to do things is still lagging, and least I am starting to accomplish a few small things again. I am however in laundry hell as I allowed it to get backed up... I think I will be folding clothes until Christmas. Hmmm... maybe that's a sign that it's time to purge wardrobes... well, we'll see; I'm not that ambitious yet. One day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time is what I need to focus on.

Poetry

Please forgive my feeble attempts at poetry. I'm experimenting with trying to find a creative means of expression for my crazy up and down emotions:

Help me for I'm falling fast,
I think my sanity will not last.
My mind wanders, goes blank, and hurts me;
the pain is too much to bear.

The elixer will help ease the pain.
The sweet nectar will make it better,
or at least make it so that I don't care.

I am reaching break-neck speed
and I don't know what waits for me at the bottom.
I'm sure my fate is not good,
and I will come out not unscathed, but broken!

My Weekend...

Okay, first of all, I'm depressed because it looks like I won't be getting Charlotte the Wolfhound afterall. She's such a sweetie that the people who are currently fostering her may decide to keep her... Yes, I was in tears when they gave me that news!

Apart from that, the weekend was pretty nice. My mom and sister don't let me any time to be depressed; they do their best to keep me busy. On Saturday, we went out to help decorate the church my Mom attends. I wasn't so excited at the prospect of that, but it meant a lot to my mom. Anyway, we ended up having a lot of fun...good food and good conversation! I decided I liked these people when I saw two bottles of wine on the table, and one of the ladies offered me a glass... heh heh.

Sunday was the Santa Claus Parade in Deux Montagnes, and we bundled up the kids and walked approximately 10 blocks to see the parade. Conclusion: I really need to get out and walk more, because the walk nearly killed me! The kids had a great time, the dogs froze. It was so funny. Goliath was so cold that my sister had to bundle him up inside her sweater. Poor Goliath.

Possible new addition...

We may be getting a new addition to our family. Her name is Charlotte , and she is an Irish Wolfhound mix. I met her today, and she is such a sweetheart. She's very calm, very friendly. Also, she totally looks like a wolfhound, but she's about the size of a Golden Retriever. We're going to foster her on a trial basis before making the decision to adopt her. I'm so excited.

Test results are in.

I saw the neurosurgeon at the MCH for Mykah today. His CT Scan was normal. Woo Hoo!!! However the doctor wants to have an MRI done to check a few other things out. But at this point I'm relieved, and not worrying anymore.

The weekend.

Overall, it was a decent weekend. My sister's husband was up from Michigan (long story), so it was great to visit with him. We get along really well, and I miss having him around. Zachy spent the whole day at the neighbours' house with his Titi and Spanky. He was thrilled to be with the neighbours who he calls Auntie Johns and Kimmie...LOL... he's still not totally clear on the concept of Aunt and Uncle; That's okay, he call's MacDonald's "Auntie Donalds". Anyway, it was such a nice weekend. I actually went out for a smoke at one point in a short-sleeved shirt!

My moods are all over the place still, and it's so frustrating. I'll start to feel fine, but still can't get my head around basic everyday concepts involved in managing a home. I know I'm an intelligent person, but sometimes the simplest concepts totally evade me. Then I feel stupid, and I feel as if people are looking at me as if I'm stupid...even my family. I am so easily overwhelmed by too much input that I shut down. It happens quite often (one or more times a week) that the basic noise of the household just throws me into a meltdown. For those of you with kids, you know that time of day when the kids have their crazy hour just about the time that Papa's getting home and Mom's trying to cook supper. I can't handle it!

Oh will I ever get relief from this madness,
this fire inside my brain?
Destroying my insides
and burning up my mind.

Little better...

I'm feeling a little more human today. Hey, I was dressed before 9AM, so that's a huge improvement. I didn't get a whole lot done in the house today, but I did manage to putter around the kitchen and the living room. Also, I spent a whole lot of time doing cross-stitch which is so therapeutic for me. Oh, I wish I had a little corner of the house just for cross-stitching where I have absolutely perfect lighting, and the most comfortable lounger chair in the world. Ha ha... maybe it's a good thing I don't have that little nook, Gilles wouldn't be able to get me to leave it.

I took the kids to get their vaccines updated today. Poor kids...I've been so negligient. Zach ended up having to have 4 needles, and poor little Mykah had to have 6 needles. I took them to MacDonalds to make up for it. Bad Mommy...Bad, bad, bad.

Tuesday..

Well, I'm not feeling quite so blah today, but I am still struggling to keep from being "pulled under by the current" I am thinking that I'd better find a therapist, and find one fast so I can start to learn better behaviours and though patterns. Hey, does anyone happen to know of anyone in the Pagan community who is also a licensed psycotherapist?

More on feelings...

Sometimes my thoughts are shrouded in darkness.
There is sadness, but the tears won't come.
Some days the pain is so deep,
cutting,
burning,
searing me on the inside of my brain.

There's a void within my body,
a black hole of emotions so deep
if I face them I run the risk of
falling,
failing,
losing my mind.

A description...

I'm feeling somewhat better today, although still not as good as I'd like. I did manage to get a few things done around the house, so at least that's an improvement. But now, I'd like to go to bed for the night...but the kids are still up, and it's not fair to leave my hubby with all the duties.

I don't know... I am just so tired of feeling like crap. It's like there's a bottomless pit at my solar plexus chakra...sometimes it feels like a black hole. I feel a spinning sensation there, and it makes me sick to my stomach. At those times, I also feel in my head as if my consciousness has been stuffed into a tiny little box just behind my face. I don't know if this makes sense, but it's the only way I know how to describe just some of what I feel.

Feeling low...

Okay, so I'm having a couple of blue days. Part of me is wondering if I'm fighting a cold or something, though. Yesterday all I could do was sleep (hubby took care of the kids). I slept from 1pm-5pm, then from 5:30PM-8PM, then I went back to bed at 9PM and slept right through until 7 this morning. I could probably still go back to bed and sleep some more, but Gilles is working, so I'm in charge of the kids, so that's out.

Well, I'll just try and keep the day as low-key as possible. I definitely will make a point to do some cross-stitch today as that always seems to help me relax.

Blech...

Oh I don't feel good emotionally today. I just feel bored with everything...like everything is dull and colorless. I think I am in mourning for the loss of my hypomania and the "excitement" it brought with it. Yes, I know it's not a good state to be in, but in a state of hypomania everyone and everything is beautiful, and life is exciting...full of adventure. In hypomania, even cleaning the house is exciting...I miss the euphoria.

To top it all off, I'm self-medicating...orange juice with...ahem...additives. Argh, I just can't cope with this. When the hell am I going to feel normal again? Will I ever feel normal again, or at least less bored with life? This is taking a toll on my marriage too. As hard as it is on me, I think it's doubly hard on Gilles. I can see my illness slowly sucking the life out of him, and I hate it. Well, I just have to make sure to get the info about therapy from my Psychiatrist at our next appointment. I will not be a victim...damn it I will fight this, and I will win!

Hooray...

Zachy is back to normal, and I was able to send him back to daycare today! He was excited to see his friends again too, so that was good. Wow, I might actually be able to get a few things done around here today. Woo Hoo!

Tuesday..

Zach seems to be on the mend, but I am still keeping him home from daycare until I'm sure he's fully better. He's full of beans and buggerment which is a good sign.

Today I will hopefully tackle some much needed decluttering, as it is time to start thinking about decorating for Yule. But I can't decorate until I do a few things around here. It shouldn't take too long, but we all know I have a motivation problem, right? I think this year I will add a string of lights to the garland on the mantle since I now have a place to plug it in that's inaccessible to the children. Aside from that, the only other decorating I really need to do is to put up the tree, but it's waaaaaay too early for that. This is the first time in a long time that I'm looking forward to decorating; I guess having a 4-year old helps. For the past 2 years we didn't decorate at all, but this year there's no way we'd get away with that. Zach is already trying to draw multiple pictures of Christmas/Yule trees, and he keeps asking when we're going to decorate. Now I just have to figure out where we put the decorations!

Fasting?

Okay, so I broke down and had food...luscious tomato and spinach pizza. See that's my problem with fasting since I still have to prepare food for other people. For some reason, they still want to eat...go figure. Ha ha... oh well, the pizza was really yummy and worth it!

Fasting...

That's right. I'm doing a semi-fast in an attempt to gain knowledge and control over my eating habits, and to develop self-discipline. Basically I'm allowing myself Coffee and Water, skimmed milk, and low calorie foods in moderation (fruits & veggies). Heh heh... as an added bonus, I've already lost 5lbs. Fasting is much more difficult than I anticipated, but I started learning things about my eating habits almost immediately. I eat when I'm bored, overwhelmed, or trying to put off doing things. Hmmm...it seems I smoke for the same reasons too. The more bored I get, the more intense the sugar cravings... sugar cravings also get bad if my emotions go off.

On the up side, since doing this, I am doing much more cross-stitch again (YAY), and I'm getting more done around the house! Muahahahaha... I might just become a Domestic Goddess yet!!!!

Too funny...

So as I'm sitting here at my computer, Mykah is zipping back and forth on his dump truck which he has decided is a ride-on toy. He is shrieking in pure delight, and I am just amazed at the speed he picks up on this thing. Then, every once in a while, he'll bring the thing to a stop (wicked dare devil side stop) and flash me a devilish little grin. He is just waaaaaaay too cute.

Zach seems to be feeling better; he was running around like a whirlwind earlier, so I'm sure he's fine.

Today I managed to spend a good amount of time doing cross stitch. I just love it; it relaxes me so much.

Alas, now I am off to get Mykah off to be, and Zach will go soon after. Then I will sit and relax with a good movie (don't know which one yet).

Going crazy...

The kids are driving me nuts!!! Zachary is doing everything he can to make Mykah cry, and as often as possible. LOL...but then Mykah just gets pissed off and hauls off and hits Zachy. If they keep it up, I'm going to banish them both to their respective bedrooms.

Mind you, some of it is comical, especially when Mykah hits Zach since Mykah is so much smaller. And when Mykah hits, he winds up first. Yes, he swings his arm back as much as he can and then goes for the smack! It really hurts when he smacks you, and I'm trying to break him of this. But it's really hard to break him of it when you're fighting back laughter.

Sickness...

Zach is still home from daycare... this bug he has is just not letting up! He still has the runs, but at least it's much less frequent than before. I think I will just have to get him to a doctor.

Luckily, Mykah is not showing any signs of being sick (knock on wood). Hopefully no one else will get this (although I might not mind it if it lets me lose a few pounds...kidding)

Well, it looks gorgeous and sunny outside, so despite Zach being sick, I think I will take the kids out on a short walk this afternoon...the fresh air will do them some good (and me too)

Blonde moment...

I had to go out to the pharmacy last night to pick up some Immodium for Zach. While I was there, I figured I'd pick up the new Sunsilk hair products. I picked up the Anti-Frizz Shampoo, Conditioner, and after-shower treatment.

So I'm in the shower this morning, excited to try out my new stuff, and I pick up the first bottle...oops conditioner... I pick up the other bottle...conditioner. So there I am holding both bottles trying to figure out why they both say conditioner (I haven't had my coffee yet, eh). My error just was not registering... it took me about five minutes to finally realize that I had accidentally picked up 2 bottles of conditioner instead of a shampoo. Yes, I felt very stupid.

more stuff.

Well, I didn't get much else accomplished today. The daycare worker stopped by with Zach (they were out on their walk) saying he was complaining that he was very tired, and his ear hurt. He wanted to come home, so we let him. His mood perked up right away and he didn't seem so tired once we let him come home. It looks like he's stuck something in his ear, and I can't seem to get it out. I flushed his ear once, and I will do it again a couple of times tonight to see if we can get whatever it is to come out. Otherwise I will have to take him to the doctor for that.

Anyway, I got totally grossed out, and found out that Zach wasn't really feeling that hot when he rushed to the toilet for number 2, and couldn't make it. Yuck...all over the bathroom floor, all down his legs, all over the toilet, and the dehumidifier. Needless to say it took 2 hours, mopping the floor and washing above mentioned items 4 times to finally get the smell to go away. I nearly puked. Yuck.

Oh hell...

So I just finished a round of antibiotics for the leg thing, and part way through the treatment, my ears start flaring up, yet again. I'm starting to wonder if my ear infections are perhaps caused by an overabundance of yeast? Is it possible to have yeast infections in ones' ears? Well, my sister's nasty foot problem was caused by yeast, so why not? That would explain why I started getting these things with my first pregnancy, and it would explain why it seems to have been provoked by antibiotic treatment!

I also had the week from hell emotionally last week, and couldn't understand why until my sister checked my pill case on Saturday; we realized that I had missed taking my Paxil all week! I usually fill up the pill-case on Sunday morning, but when I did it last week, I only had enough Paxil for Monday. I had to refill the prescription, which I did, but I forgot completely to add it to the remainder of the week. Problem solved. At least there was a good reason for my feeling crappy.

On a brighter note, I feel great today. I actually got up and thoroughly cleaned the light fixture above the kitchen table, and I will do the ceiling fan in the living room when Mykah takes his nap today. I feel productive, and just generally well... YAY!

Halloween...

We had a nice Halloween here. Zachy wore his doggie costume. It was so fun with him this year; he was so excited. He still needed me to hold his hand going up to the doors, and reminding him to say "Thank you." We did almost a whole block, but then we passed by a haunted house, and the noises were scary for him. He thought it was a dragon going to come out of the castle to chase him, and he wanted to go home, "right now, Mommy, please!" I promised him that the dragon wouldn't leave the castle, and we went home, and he was happy with his night.

Brief Scare.

So I had my regular check-up with my doctor yesterday, and I was very glad it happened to be on that particular day, because I developed a weird rash on my leg, and it was a bit painful. The doctor took a look at my leg and was asking lots of questions, and then he proceeded to take out a pen and start drawing on my leg. When he wrote the date and time, I was like "OH SHIT!" He said it could only be a simple case of cellulitis (skin infection). However, we needed to be sure that the antibiotics he gave me would work, and shrink the infection fast. It was serious enough that he gave me overdose of antibiotics for day 1. He said, "If by tonight this hasn't gone down, or if it spreads at all, go straight to the emergency room, and give them this referral. I don't want to scare you, but we can't take the chance of it being "flesh-eating disease"".

Okay, so I was a little freaked out, and needless to say I was checking on the rash every 5 minutes. Thankfully the antibiotics are working. The redness has gone down a lot, and the leg doesn't even hurt as much as it did. Nothing like a scare like that to make you very grateful for the good things you have! Today, I am much more grateful for the people in my life, that's for sure!

Weird sick.

I have a fever, and yes, that's about it. It's really strange. I'm having trouble keeping warm, but apart from that, I feel fine. The fever was at 102 F yesterday, and this morning it's down to 100.6 F. I'm not even really achey or anything like that. The only other thing is that I do feel a little light-headed. But I'm still functioning!

Biggest task for today is to tackle Mt. Washmore.... it's all clean, I just have to fold the clothes and put them away...shouldn't be a problem.

But right now, I need more coffee!

CT Scan done.

Mykah had his CT Scan yesterday, and it's nice to have it over with. They gave him an oral solution to make him sleep, so the CT Scan and X-rays were not traumatic for him at all. It was really funny when he woke up, though because his balance was off, and we had to watch him like hawks to make sure he didn't get hurt.

I was supposed to have my doctor's appointment today, but I rescheduled for Friday. I did not want to go anywhere today!

More tests.

Yes, Mykah has to undergo more tests. He has to have a chest x-ray to complete the x-rays of his skeleton so they can do a full bone analysis. But that won't be so bad since I can get it done on Monday when he's sedated for the CT Scan. He also needs a specific blood test (at which time they also need samples from Gilles and me). . to test for some other disorder. Ugh...will this never end?

Doctors..

I have to drive into the city today, and I really don't want to go. But I have to go because it's for an appointment for Mykah with the Genetics specialist at the MCH. Maybe we'll finally get the results of that bloodtest they did back in June. Since I haven't really heard anything about it, I've just assumed that there's nothing to be found. So if I go today and they tell me there's nothing wrong with Mykah (I really hope) I don't want to know anything else about doctor appointments except for the ones for his feet! Because the way I figure it, every other test this poor kid has had to endure has turned up normal. So if they can't find anything on a genetic level, I'm not putting him through anything else! So there!

Dreary day.

I so hate it when the day is dreary and clouded over. The house is so dark, and I just want to spend the day in my bed.

It looks like I'll be keeping Zachy home from daycare today. He was running a fever of 102 F last night. This morning it's running about 99.5 F, but the fact that he actually slept in until 9AM tells me he probably should stay home!

I'm hoping I can muster a little energy to try and do some things around the house. I have laundry to fold, the beds need changing, and the bathrooms should be cleaned....oh, and I'm sure I could list many more things I should be doing, but I'm trying to keep it reasonable and at a level that is realistic.

I survived!

Yes, I survived a long day on my own with both kids. It was pretty good for the most part, but by 6PM I was getting antsy, wanting adult conversation and company. Neither of the kids took a nap, so they were both in bed early. Mykah went right off to sleep, but Zach was a little more difficult. Zach wanted me to sleep in his bed, he wanted water, he wanted more water, he wanted to be covered, he wanted to be uncovered. Finally, I turned out all the lights and told him he had to go to sleep because Mommy was going to sleep too. Not two minutes after my lights went out did a little naked boy crawl into my bed, "Mommy, I want to sleep in your bed." Yes, he was naked, as he is most nights despite the fact that he does have PJs on when I put him to bed. Anyway, I gave up, told him he could sleep in Mommy's bed...he was out within 5 minutes!

Tired!

Okay, I'm tired, and I'm sore in places I forgot all about. Definitely out of shape, but it was definitely worth the pain. ooooooooooooooooooohhhh... will be soaking in a hot tub tonight!

Fall Fun...

Okay, I'm a little cold, and very damp, but it was worth it! I allowed my inner child out to play with the boys, and we had a leaf battle. It was huge (well, as huge as it can get with a 4-year old and a 2-year old). It was Zachy and Mykah against Mommy, and the boys won (*wink*).

And the light goes on...

In my ranting over wanting a bigger house with more space, a light finally clicked on in my husband's brain. He finally understood the part about me needing a quiet space for meditation, magic, etc just to help keep me sane. So he came up with a temporary solution of setting up the upstairs storage space with enough room for me to set up a table, chair and mat (for lying down). It just might work, although there's no heaters in there. I have a little space heater that's pretty good, so I'm hoping that will work for the winter. Who knows, maybe in the spring we'll actually be able to get the space finished properly.

Apple Pies?

Hmmm if "His Highness" (Mykah) actually cooperates and takes his nap today, maybe I'll make those apple pies I've been meaning to make. Yummy!

Terrible twos...

My sweet little baby is turning into a tyrant...ah yes, the terrible twos approach! Actually right now he's being pretty hilarious, scooting around the house on a toy dump truck with the bed removed. His legs are so short, it makes the perfect ride-on toy for him. He zooms around here so fast on that thing, it's a riot. Now he's pushing my keyboard under the desk because he wants my attention. Later!

AAACK.....

Well, with the work situation going to shit, my husband is considering going to work in Alberta. They have contract positions for pipefitters out there where he'd spend 40 days in AB, and then come home for 2 weeks (travel paid by employer). I am all for it, as the jobs out there pay much better than here, but it also makes me slightly nervous. How the hell am I going to manage the house and both kids while he's away!? I guess it will just be an initiation by fire. Although he says that if he goes in the winter, he'll hire a contractor to clear the driveway... that makes me feel better as I can't shovel that much snow (we have a big driveway), and I can't leave the kids alone while I use the snow-blower. As for the cooking and cleaning, I'm getting better with all of that since we found a medication that is regulating my moods properly, so I guess it won't be so bad. I just told him he'd better make sure to leave me money for a babysitter once a week so I can have some time to myself!

Good day...

I had my follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist today, and he's increasing my dose of Divalproex to 1000mg/day. The blood test results showed that the level in my blood is still too low, so the increase should help me to start feeling even better... YAY!!!

After my appointment, I went to the new Omer deSerres in D.D.O. I was a bit overwhelmed by the selection of things. I got a nice blank journal, a couple of gelly roll pens, a dip pen and some ink, a sketch book, and some drawing pencils...oh, and a pad of "parchment" paper for writing. So hopefully this will inspire me to start doing some drawing. I've been hesitant because I haven't done any drawing in years, but I just have to start drawing, and I know I'll improve with practice!

Relieved!

We had our appointment for Mykah with Neurosurgery today. It looks like he just has a big head, and it seems to run in our family. For example, the neurosurgeon measured my head, and I apparently have a large head too... I fall into the 98th percentile. Mykah still has to have a CT Scan to confirm the diagnosis, but at least I have less to worry about now. Yay!

I feel so good....

Yes, I actually feel amazing. Yesterday we went apple-picking with the kids. At 8 AM Zachary announced that he would like to go apple-picking, and so, we decided it would be fun and went. This may not sound like much for some folk, but this was the first family outing in 3 years that I was actually excided for and not dreading (the dread was caused by the depression). We had so much fun, and the kids were so cute.

Today, I woke up around 6:30, and I've already folded and put away 2 loads of laundry; that is a great accomplishment for me. I plan to attempt to declutter my filing cabinet, and the rest of the kitchen counters today. That's it, because I don't want to burn myself out. Then I'll play with the kids, and hopefully get some cross-stitch time in. Yay!

Drawing...

I want to start drawing! I haven't really done much since high school, but I enjoyed it, and I want to start again... I just don't know what to draw. I'd like to be able to do portraits and stuff one day, but I need a hell of a lot of practice before I'm ready for that! I have all the materials I need, but I keep hesitating... there's my perfectionism showing again. I'm going to just do it!!!

Another obsession...

...yes,I have another obsession. I have recently become obsessed with tea; I can't get enough of it. Strange, because I was never a tea-drinker before. I've been drinking lots of Orange Pekoe, and lots of herbal teas... oh well, at least I'm finally getting to use the nice teapots I have.

Obsession...

Okay, I'm currently obsessed with the idea of moving. No, we are not planning to move, but a part of me wants to move. I'd like to have a bigger house with more storage space; a basement would be really nice. My dream is to move somewhere where I would have acres of land, and a place to keep a horse or two. I'd like a green house, craft/ritual room, more space for bookshelves, a proper office...

When I say I'm obsessed, I mean I've actually been on mls.com looking at places that fit the bill, and I've circled their locations on the map and shown them to my husband. He's been very nice about it, looking at everything I show him... but I think he's just humouring me... oh well, at least he's not shooting down my dreams. But I really, really want to move!

Looking bright...

Yes, things are looking brighter. Every day last week, I managed to accomplish at least one small task, sometimes more. There was actually some consistency!!! Last night was my greatest accomplishment so far, though. I cooked supper and did most of the clean-up in the kitchen (until hubby kicked me out of the kitchen) despite the fact that I'm feeling like crap (have a head cold), and all I really wanted to do was to go crawl into bed. I managed to work through it, and then I treated myself to Ginseng tea afterwards. I am so proud of myself. Gilles then sent me to bed early, and I'm feeling a little better this morning.

Lonely...

Yeah, I'm feeling slightly lonely again. It seems I get this way when Gilles is working the 4-midnight shift. But it's slightly more than that. I am seriously lacking in female friends to hang out with, talk on the phone with, share joys with... Since having the kids I don't get out much, so it's a challenge to make new friends. It's my fault too, because I'm not interested in superficial friendships... I prefer the deeper sorts of friendships where there is love and trust. I have asked the Goddess to help me to find good friends, and I know She will provide.

Getting better?

I've been taking my newly prescribed Valproic Acid for 4 days now, and I think I'm seeing a slight improvement. I'm more encouraged as this improvement seems to be slow and steady instead of the jump up super-high that I've had with other meds. Yesterday I changed the sheets on all the beds (washed them and dried them, then put them back on the beds), cleaned both bathrooms, and kept the kitchen respectably clean. I also managed time on the computer, reading part of my novel (Blade of Fortriu), and a nap. Needless to say, I was pleased with the day.

Today, so far, I have washed two loads of Laundry, and am in the process of drying the 2nd load. Not bad for 9:30AM!

Been to the funny farm...I'm certifiable!

Yes, it's official. I have Bipolar Disorder, but that's all the details that I have right now. The doctor who did the evaluation is the head of the Depressive disorders clinic, and although he's qualified to see that I have bipolar, he wants to let the experts in the Bipolar Spectrum Clinic review my file and follow my case. So, I'm waiting for a phone call for another appointment to see the Bipolar Specialists; they will be able to classify the exact type of Bipolar I have (Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Cyclothemic, etc.) and they will help me to get well.

D-day

Yes, today is D-day... "Douglas Day" Today I will finally find out what's happening in my totally f---ed up brain. Maybe after today life will start getting back to normal (not that I have any idea what normal is for me anymore). Hopefully we will find a better combination of meds for me so I can stop being so depressed. I've had a few "highs" in the past, and I'm hoping that those "highs" are actually what's normal for me. Otherwise I'm telling the doctor that I want him to find a way to keep me on a constant "high." LOL...yeah, I know that there are ways to do that on my own, but I'd prefer something legal thank you very much.

Better but tired.

Well today has been much better for me. I had the kitchen nice and shiny by 8AM (thanks to my kids who decided it was time to be awake at 6AM). I also washed and hung out the laundry to dry. Now I just have to make sure I bring it in before it rains.

I had a 2-hour nap because, blissfully, both the kids actually napped at the same time. Zach usually doesn't nap, but today he fell asleep on the couch. Well, since Gilles is home today I would have napped anyway (even if the kids didn't).

I am still so tired, though. I really hate that I get tired so easily. Oh well, I'm not going to complain, because at least my mood is much better than it was.

Somewhat better...

Okay, I've been feeling a little less psychotic the past two days. My motivation is still seriously lacking, but at least I no longer have the desire to hurt people or to throw things!

My grandmother is in the hospital, but things are looking good. It seems all the while she's been taking anti-stroke meds, it was never that in the first place. It turns out that she's epileptic. Once again I reiterate from my last entry...stupid doctors!

Stupid Doctors.

I hate doctors!!! I hate being at the mercy of their schedules, and their availablility, or in this case, lack of availability. Although I guess it's not completely the doctors' faults, but the blame has to fall somewhere... on the government perhaps who has their heads so far up their asses and so much money to burn that they just don't give a shit that our Health Care system is so fucked up!!!!!!

Yes, I'm pissed off! I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to get the official diagnosis of just how crazy I am exactly, but his nurse called today to reschedule until next week. Here I am sleeping pretty much all the time just to avoid dealing with the thoughts that are racing through my head, and I might add have taken on a very scary, morbid tone most of the time. And the doctor has to reschedule because he had to fill in for someone at the last minute and missed his vacation. I suppose the man has a right to his vacation, but not when it interferes with my appointment alright!!!!!

Yesterday we had friends visiting with their 3 daughters (a 3.5 year old, and 14-month old
identical twins). That was fun...the girls are so cute.

Last night's sleep went off withougt anymore strange dreams (well, not any that I can remember anyway). Although I did wake up several times, and ended up sleeping 2 hours in Zach's bed because he's developed a fear of being alone in his bed now.

I'm still very tired all the time, and I hate it!!! I really wish that some high energy will come my way soon. Well, maybe after I see the doctor on Wednesday and get my meds adjusted. I don't mind if he can keep me in a mildy hypomanic phase for most of the time...really, I could absolutely live with that!! Just get rid of the exhaustion and the depression, please!!!!!

Update, and wonky dreams...

So our appointment with the Neurosurgeon has been set for October 3rd; now all we have to do is wait. I think the waiting is going to kill me. No, I'm not stressed much...my dreams are just getting all whacked out for no reason, right?

My dreams were totally weird last night, that's for sure. I can't remember all of it, or if I have it in the correct order, but here goes.

"I am meeting several times in a Chinese temple with a Chinese mystic/Dalai Lama type for therapy...helping to rebalance my brain, and to ease my worries about Mykah.

Then I was in a sports arena/marketplace looking for my wallet which was actually in my hands the whole time.

So then there's this really strange scene where a woman is being turned into a vampire by flying dismembered heads, and there's this whole "Little Mermaid" type musical montage about how wonderful life is as a blood sucker.

Okay, then there's this really strange scene back in the sports arena where it's a lesbian sex scene with 5 women, but what really pisses me off is I don't get to see any of it because they're hiding in a huge stretchy T-shirt.

Then I'm on my way to CMS class, but in this dream, CMS is a whole school with dormitories and everything...but the building has collased (no one was hurt) although I nearly killed myself trying to rollerblade down the hill where all the debris from the building had fallen.

After the collapse of the building, there was a scene of about 20 helicopters gathered to shoot out city hall because they were so angry about the collapse of the school.

The next part I remember, I was trying to escape the city with some friends, but we couldn't find our way out of the underground. That ended up with me asking for directions, a woman calling me crazy, and another musical number about "how she should be careful who she calls crazy because some people really are crazy and she could get herself killed"


No, I'm not stressed much, am I?

Waiting, waiting...

The Neurosurgeon's office never called me back. I was promised a call on either Wednesday or Thursday, and it is now FRIDAY!!! I called the pediatrician late yesterday, and his secretary gave me the phone number and said I should call the Neurosurgeon's office today. Grrrrr... don't make a freaking out mother wait too long!!!!!

Freaking out!!!!

So we had a check-up for the boys with their pediatrician this morning... Result: I am now waiting for a call from a neuro-surgeon for Mykah. His head circumference has jumped from the 50th to the 95th percentile in less than 6 months. So mommy is very, very freaked out right now!!! Pardon me while I go have a melt-down.

More grrrrr.....

Stupid little tobacco sticks making me lose my mind...yet again I've caved, but I think at this point that is better than the alternative. I completely lost it this afternoon..yes, we're talking kicking and throwing inanimate objects

I think my appointment with the Douglas has come just at the right time, because I am losing my mind!!!

Oh yeah....

The Mood Disorders clinic at the Douglas Hospital finally called me for appointments. Maybe now I have the chance of finding out for sure what's wrong with me, and actually start getting proper treatment!!!! I'm friggin' nervous, but relieved at the same time...I just wish Gilles could go with me, but I don't think it's going to work out unless Mom can come and watch the kids.

The other night at Mom's I was having some delusions... oh, I was waaaaaaay out of touch with reality that night... what I was saying, of course, makes no sense now, but it sounded really good at the time.

Grrrrrrrrr...and yay.

Day 2 of quitting smoking and already I'm feeling mildly homicidal... "Stay out of her way, she's a total bitch today!" I think Gilles wants to take me shopping at Wal-Mart in hopes of easing the homicidal thoughts today. I need pants since my stupid meds are causing me to gain weight (dammit!)... I just hope he's prepared to buy me running shoes and a few nice tops too! Maybe if I have nice clothes that fit, I won't feel like such a frump, and I'll be less inclined to feeling like hurting people. Okay, that's my rant of the day.

Stolen from Airea who stole from Rajura.

In one word:
Yourself: Restless
Your significant other: GillyBear
Your hair: Short
Your mother: Annoying
Your father: Hopeless
Your dream last night: Dancing
Your dream home: Country
The room you are in: Living room
Your favorite colour: Red
Your fear: insanity
Your favorite food: sushi
Your car: red
Your eyes: Hazel
Where you want to be in ten years: Country
Who you hung out with last night: family
What you're not: normal
Your best friend: Angel
Your worst enemy: me
One of your wish list items:Irish Wolfhound
Your gender: female
The last thing you did: Coffee
What you are wearing:Cords & Tank top
Your favorite weather: fall
The last thing you ate: Cookies
The music you're listening to: none
Your life: lonely
Your mood: tired
Who are you: mildly nutty

Freedom day tomorrow...

Yes, tomorrow is freedom day for me, but not in the way you might think (although a day off from the kids to go shopping would be nice). Tomorrow, I pick up my smoking cessation treatment again, and this time I WILL SUCCEED!!!!

I'm not even really enjoying the smokes anymore. I'm tired of having my throat burn, being short of breath, and smelling like an ash tray! Also, I figured out that I lose over 4 hours a day to my smoking habit, since I go outdoors to smoke. That's 4 hours where I could be doing something else more productive and more enjoyable!!!

Friends are awesome...

On Sunday, some dear friends payed a visit. We hadn't gotten together in over a year, so it was much needed. Thoad and Lady F are wonderful friends indeed, they brought all the fixings for vegetarian quesidillas, and they were yummy.

Thoad, who also has the ups and downs of bi-polar (but has learned to manage it more successfully) made me promise to call, especially if I'm feeling down. He and Lady F will be there for me as much as possible, and they said I should not have to deal with this all alone. I was in tears, and gratefully made the promise.

My Sunday...

This week, I finally got speakers for my PC, and I'm so glad I did. Now I can listen to radio online. My personal favourite is WitchCast, which plays all sorts of pagan music. The best part is that most of the music is in a style that doesn't grate on Gilles' nerves, and so he doesn't mind the music playing. Yay!!!

I woke up with a wicked headache and what I call "heavy head" this morning. The Advil is kicking in, though, and I'm starting to feel better.

Today I have friends coming over whom I haven't seen in a long time. It'll be wonderful to get together with them again; I've missed them a lot!

I'm starting to think that...

...the universe is trying to tell me something. Like, oh, "You silly bitch, why do you want to go back to work now? You're so not ready!"

I put in a job application for an admin assistant job at the company where I used to work. Well, I guess that was my first mistake! I didn't leave on horrible terms, but it wasn't exactly a tragic loss for them either. I had been very sick (before being specifically diagnosed with bi-polar) and my performance was suffering. Then I was on sick leave for 6 months before quitting. Now that I've been diagnosed, I'm more stable thanks to the meds, but I have the feeling that they're not going to bother even interviewing me for the position. Too bad, because I'd like to address the reason why my performance suffered so badly, and I'd like to have the chance to prove to them that, no, I'm not an idiot.

Much better...

Ah...it is much cooler this morning, and it is so refreshing!!! Yesterday, I was so cranky because of the temperature.

So hopefully today I can get back into the swing of things in the house. The kitchen looks like it was hit by a tornado, and the living room is not much better.

My list for the day is:

• Clean up the kitchen
• Pick up kids toys
• Vacuum
• Organize front hall closet.

Interesting pattern...

I've noticed a "yearly" pattern for myself; it's interesting. Part of me loves being home with the kids, but by August, I get restless and start looking for a job. I did it last year, and I did it again this year. By February, I'm utterly depressed, and it's almost impossible for me to get out of bed, let alone leave the house! When I had a breakdown and had to go on sick leave it was February, and I left Pfizer in February too.

So I've applied for an Admin Assistant job at the company where I first started working. Right now I know I really want to do this (I miss the salary), but I don't have a daycare spot for Mykah yet. If I do get this job, I'm going to combat the February blues with light therapy and bronzage!

Hot and Humid...ugh!

This is ridiculous; the humidity level in the house is so high that there's a thin layer of moisture on the floors. It's as if someone took a spray bottle and put a mist on the floors.

Yesterday, Zach wanted to go outside to play. We got outside and he flopped into one of the patio chairs and said, "Mommy, it's hotty. It's to hotty to play." It was very cute.

Luckily, our house stays fairly cool. It's 36 degrees outside, and only 27 degrees in the house. We have the dehumidifier running, hoping to bring down the humidity in the house. That's all well and good, but I still want an air conditioner!

So my moods are just kind of "blah" lately... I don't feel depressed, but I don't feel super-good either. I can't seem to get anything done in the house beyond keeping the kitchen clean and keeping on top of the laundry. It's bad... I often find myself being bored, but I don't know what to do with myself...MY BRAIN IS STILL NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY!!!!!!!

I thought a housewife was supposed to be busy all the time... the work never ends, right? And there's obviously stuff that still needs doing around here, so why can't I get to it?! I seriously need a Life Management Coach, or someone to help me start kicking my ass into gear. I'm feel like I'm not moving forward in anything. I still need to make the same changes in my life:

• quit smoking
• eat regular, healthy meals
• lose 50 lbs (it used to be 30, but my meds are encouraging weight gain)
• drink more water
• exercise regularly

Okay, I do have to give myself credit in some areas.

1. For about a month now, I am getting in a regular meditation before I go to bed.
2. This week I did 30 crunches on Tuesday, and 30 crunches on Thursday
3. I have been drinking more water, and on Thursday I made it up to 5 glasses

Nice weekend.

I had a great weekend! I picked up my sister, Teri, on Thursday evening and brought her back to my house. Friday was the dentist for fillings... I was all nervous about the drive, and about the dental work. Teri managed to teach me a new method of coping with my fear of driving that breaks the trip down into familiar parts that I know I'm capable of doing. This opens up many possibilities for me, because the method really worked! The dental work went well... just one filling, and one filling repair.

Teri then spent the weekend with us, much to Zachary's joy (and mine). Teri has a way of kicking my butt into gear and inspiring me to get things done. My house is starting to look like a home again. The motivation so far has stuck as I already have a load of laundry in the washer, and I've folded and put away some of the laundry from yesterday (all before 7AM...yay).

So, on the list of things I will get done today:

• focus on home-business (today's appointments, and setting new appointments)
• Change sheets on beds
• Organize at least one closet
• Declutter the entertainment center

Sleep? Hah...

It is way too early to be up! Not only that, but I don't get my time to myself today before the kids wake up...because the kids are the reason I'm up so early! They must sense that we're going to have my sister over for the weekend, because at 4 AM, BOTH of them were up and rearing to go! Well, at least they are in good moods. LOL...Scarlet puts her kitties in kitty-jail when they wake her too early... does anyone know if they've invented a soundproof child jail yet?

Mmmmm...well, at least I have coffee!

All hail the gods of Risperdal...

Yes, the new dose of Risperdal is working nicely!!! I'm still lacking some motivation to do things around the house, but at least I'm feeling better. I'm waking early in the morning again, which I love, because it gives me time to myself before everyone else wakes up and chaos begins...it makes all the difference in my moods too.

Today I have an appointment with a psychologist who's rates are actually reasonable, and I know I like him, because I took some of the classes he taught at John Abbott 11 years ago. I'm hoping that he can help me learn lasting skills to cope with my disorder, and to implement lasting changes in the areas I want to create change.

Some venting...

The health care system really, really pisses me off! I know I need more help than I am currently getting, and yet I seem to be nowhere in getting it. When I started the Risperdal, it lifted me out of the funk I was in at the time, and it lasted longer than anything has so far, but alas, it was not long term. Now we have to up the dose of Risperdal to get me back to normal until it decides to stop working again! I was supposed to have a follow-up at the Douglas with the Depressive disorders clinic, but the waiting list is longer than I was led to believe, and still no further word from them. I feel that I am in need of more intensive treatment, monitoring of my meds, and most likely, counselling. Is a hospitalization in order? I don't know; I don't feel I'm coping well with life, but I wonder if I'm serious enough to take up a hospital space. It's just so hard to know, because at times I do really well, but when I crash, I crash hard. I mean, I told my Doctor where my thought patterns had been going lately, and asked about hospitalization, but I guess he didn't think it necessary! I am so frustrated, and pissed off, and I don't know what to do anymore. Is it possible to get the help I need? I hate this up and down...I'm going to completely lose it one day.

2 days of hell done...

Okay, so two days from the week of Doctor appointment hell are done with, and they weren't as painful as I expected. Yesterday's appointment with MCH occupational therapy for Mykah was slightly useless in my opinion..."It seems Mykah has gross motor skill delays (d'uh), but his fine motor skills and method of playing are very advanced (double d'uh)." Tell me something I didn't already know. We have follow-up in 2 months at which time if he still isn't walking, she may recommend physiotherapy (well, at least that would be useful)

Today was my appointment with my family doctor. Paxil and Lithium are to stay at the same level, but he's putting the Risperdal up to 1mg per day. He gave me shit because I still haven't gone to get my Lithium levels checked (I'm going next week). Over and done with quickly.

Tomorrow, I don't have to go anywhere, so I'm happy about that!

Thursday is the check-up for Mykah at the Shriner's hospital. I'm hoping the Dr. can take a quick look at Zach's feet too to see if he needs to be seen. He has these weird lumps on both feet, and I just want to make sure it's not a developing problem.

Upcoming Hellish week...

Yes, this week I will be in Doctor appointment hell; I have appointments 4 out of 5 days, and, of course, none of them are even remotely local. Today, we have to go to the Montreal Children's hospital for an appointment with Occupational Therapy for Mykah; I have no idea what to expect, except that it's an "evaluation" Anyway, that said - 40min drive each way.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my family doctor, and will hopefully get my meds adjusted. He's in Deux Montagnes - 45 min drive each way.

Wednesday is my one day off!

Thursday - Shriner's hospital to check up on Mykah's feet. Worried that the doctor might deem that Mykah needs surgery on his other foot as the orthotic doesn't seem to make a difference, and Mykah is still not walking. 40 minute Drive each way, but will sleep the night at my Mom's

Friday - long overdue dentist appointment in St. Lambert. Will leave from mom's, but still a 45 minute drive each way!

So that's my week!

Herb walk...and Ow, ow, ow!

I went on an herb walk yesterday with a wonderful group of people. It was incredible. We identified several plants...and some of them have even been growing in my garden at home and I've been ripping them out because I thought they were weeds! I had a great time.

The other thing I learned as a result of the herb walk is that I really NEED TO EXERCISE MORE; I am not in very good shape! I ended up doing over 3 hours of walking yesterday, and I am feeling the pain today. Anyway, instead of whining, I'm just going to do something about it.

1. Daily exercise - either a good walk, or my Yoga or Qigong DVD...NO MORE EXCUSES.
2. Start back up with my smoking cessation program...QUIT SMOKING, POINT FINALE!!!

That's it, that's all for now.

Am I ever actually going to be sane?????

Been having a lovely (note the sarcasm) time, what with the kids being sick. Mykah had it the worst, and it just seems to be clearing up in the last couple of days. I ended up having to take him to the doctor, and he only weighs 19.8lbs, and is only 28 inches tall. Now I'm freaking, because with the amount of food he eats, he should be way bigger than that.

Depression and anxiety have been acting up again...I can't even bring myself to leave the friggin' house. I was supposed to go to a friend's BBQ, and I couldn't do it. I really hope this goes away quick, because I have more doctors' appointments coming up for Mykah and Zach. My appointment with Dr. V is on Jul 11, and that's good, because I have a feeling we need to put up my dose of Risperdal to 1mg/day.

A decent weekend...

So the weekend was pretty good... Gilles and I actually managed to work together getting the house cleaned up without getting on each others' nerves...LOL... we're growing as a couple...yay!!!
Dad's girlfriend is really nice...I asked her, "So what's a nice lady like you doing with my father?"

Today, I'm doing some work on my new business venture. I'm excited, because I already have 3 business overview conference calls scheduled for this week. BTW, if anyone's interested in a free, no-obligation information call, let me know.

Also, I have to really focus on decluttering Mykah's room. Gilles is starting to plaster the walls today, and will be painting it this week. It's definitely better than it was, but still needs more work.

My weekend...

Well, I think the kids are finally over whatever bug it was that they had. Although Mykah's still got a bit of the runs, at least he's in a much better mood than he's been.

I'm a bit upset because I missed CMS class again yesterday; I just couldn't talk myself into driving downtown on St. Jean/Grand Prix weekend. Everytime I thought about actually going, I was going into full-blown panic attacks!

Yesterday we moved the computer desk into the living room, and I'm so happy about that. Previously, the PC was in Mykah's room, and it was just getting to be a pain in the butt. I couldn't use the PC at all when Mykah was sleeping, because he wakes up at the slightest sound in his room...a light sleeper like his father. So now it's in the living room, and that also allows me to be on the computer and interact with the family at the same time. A much better location for it!

So now I'm off to do some quick cleaning because my father and his girlfriend are coming over. It's weird, because I've been so mad at him, and now I'm having them over for dinner. I guess part of it is guilt because Dad was there for me when I needed to go to the Douglas Hospital...then he called every day for a week to check and see how I was doing. The other part of it has to do with the kids; Zach knows his Poppy, and asks for him sometimes. Things are so complicated sometimes!

Shoot me, please!

Okay, so my house still looks like a tornado blew through...no, make that a hurricane! My "get up and go" got up and went...where? I don't know, but it's not here. Well, I've made some headway with the toys, and I've managed to pick up most of the little pieces of kleenex that were lovingly shredded by Mykah and our ever faithful pup Goliath. They had a blast doing it, so I guess I can't really begrudge them of that.

Now the kids are running off some energy outside, and that means that I won't get much else done since they need pretty much constant supervision. I might manage a few quick things in the kitchen since I can keep an eye on them from there. At this point, if I can manage to get the kitchen table truly cleaned up (I mean without just transferring the junk pile to another surface) then I might actually feel as if I accomplished something.

Domestic Goddess I am not...yet.

Well, right now my home certainly doesn't look as if a Domestic Goddess lives here. Somehow a tornado blew through my kitchen again! I really want to get it cleaned up, but Zachy insists on helping (a request I can't really refuse for his good upbringing), but of course at 3.5 years old, his help creates more mess...right now he's washing the unbreakable dishes, and doesn't want any help at all. I imagine that in about 2 minutes I'll be mopping up puddles on the kitchen floor too...now, whether those puddles are created from Zach's diswashing, or my tears over not accomplishing anything has yet to be seen.

Hopefully he will lose interest in the dishes fairly quickly and move on to something else...if I could actually get him interested in picking up toys, that would be great....yeah, right, and pigs will fly too, right?!

Tiring Day...

I am absolutely exhausted...from the stress of having to drive downtown on a weekday, from the stress of having to hold my screaming son still while they took blood from his arm... Hospital visits are always exhausting! Mykah had a check-up for his eyes, to make sure that they are okay since occasionally one eye gives the appearance of wandering. But all is well, and his eyes and vision are absolutely fine.
At the same time I took him up to the blood clinic to get his blood tests done for the Gastro and Genetics clinics... well, he kicked and screamed...he's a pretty strong 18-month old. To make matters worse, he was so stressed that the first vein collapsed and the technician had to find another vein... it took me plus 3 technicians to get the necessary sample. Well, at least it's over and done with.

Misc. Updates

I did my BOS dedication ritual in class on Saturday, and it went very well. I think I have a "magical voice" for working ritual etc, because I felt my voice resonating in my body in a way I've never felt it do before. So last night, I started copying the ritual into my BOS...my first entry...I'm so happy.

I've also started working on my Herbal Grimoire, and oh boy it's going to be long. I'm just taking notes for now, and keeping my eye open for herbs I recognize for drying. I haven't decided on a format yet. I might go with a pre-bound artists book, but I kind of like the idea of having it in a binder too... I'm worried that in a binder, the pages would rip out (with the extra weight of the dried samples). Well, either way, I know I'm going to have to go with heavy paper (maybe that will solve the ripping problem).

The weather looks nice today! I'm meeting a friend for lunch, and then I'm going to see if I can get my eyes checked. I've been having some problems with my glasses (probably has more to do with the lense being scratched), but I think my prescription has changed again. So I need to get these lenses changed either way, and I really want contact lenses for the summer. Contact lenses allow me to be able to see when swimming, wear cheap sunglasses (I have a nasty habit of breaking or losing my sunglasses)...not to mention that I find I can see more clearly with contacts than I do with glasses. I think I'll get the regular (wash, put away, wear again) kind, but I also want to get disposibles for swimming and stuff (that way I don't have to freak if I lose one).

Feeling better today...

I'm feeling better today; I think it helps that my best friend in the whole world is coming for a visit tonight. Her BF was supposed to come too, but he's tired (working 2 jobs), so he's staying home and it's just going to be us girls tonight. Her BF is a great guy, but it's been waaaaaay too long since we've had girl time. Will attempt to get the kids in bed early so we can have time together without children.

I am feeling particularly lonely today. I was even going to call a babysitter to come over just so I would have company other than the kids...but that didn't work, because their phone number has changed, and my neighbour (who would have the new number) is not home.

I hate it when I start feeling like this. It scares the shit out of me. Why is nobody at home tonight? Nobody can come over and I really don't want to be alone!!!

My dearest Loki...

Sadly on Tuesday, we had to make the decision to put my beloved kitty, Loki, to sleep. He was starting to develop multiple health problems, and with his anxiety disorder, it would have been more cruel to him to try and treat the health problems. I'll miss you, my big fur-ball.

How the hell did I get to be 30?

Where does the time go? It seems like I just turned 18 and then,...bang... here I am at 30. Oh well, can't complain too much (except I think I need new glasses...again). Mom got me some really nice place-mats (of which I previously had none), and an awesome pill-case to keep track of my daily meds...combined with the palm pilot I can be sure to never miss a pill again.

Gilles got me a smart-ass card that was actually very funny...my gift was my beautiful roll-top computer desk.

Grumblings...

Please bear with me as I really need to get this out of my system.

Stepped on the scale this morning to see where I'm at...grumble...I'm 15lbs heavier than I was a month ago. Now, they warned me that this medication could cause weight gain, but that's friggin' ridiculous!!!!! I'm rather pissed!

To top it all off, my period is 10 days late, (so I'm probably really bloated too). I had to go get a pregnancy test just to be sure (on my doctor's advice) despite the fact that I knew it would most likely be negative what with Gilles' "snip, snip" almost 2 years ago. So of course the test was negative, and now I don't know whether to laugh or cry, because I really would love to have more children, and my hopes got up just for that fraction of a second, but it was enough...oh well it's better off this way, because pregnancy with the meds I'm on would be very bad...I'd have to go off the meds...so that would mean they'd just have to lock me up for 9 months in a straight-jacked and padded cell... hmmm... okay, I'm happy again.

We're officially in trouble...

Mykah has finally started pulling up to standing on some of the furniture. Now, as much as I know this means "trouble" it is also very much of a relief that he's finally doing it since he'll be 18 months at the end of June. He still doesn't like to put much weight on his right foot, though, and I don't blame him. when he stands on that foot, only the underside of the arch touches the ground (the heel and his toes are slightly off the ground). He lifts the foot as if it's painful to put weight on it...or else it just feels really strange. But he's pulled himself up to standing a couple of times, and he sits back down all by himself. I'm actually very excited about it.

Stupid car...

Well, my car needs something fixed, although I don't know exactly what. It's either the timing belt, or something with the transmission, or both. Gilles is taking it to the garage tomorrow to find out what the problems is... not being to accelerate is definitely a problem... cars are supposed to go, not just make noises and complain...

Needless to say, I didn't go to Mykah's appointment with the gastrointerologist today because I was to scared that the car would conk out on me. It's making a strange noise, and I wasn't taking any chances, especially with a child in the car.

Fog-brain with a vengeance...

Woke up this morning with horrible fog-brain and headache...it felt as if I had been bar-hopping or something. Didn't help that I forgot to take my Risperdal on Monday night; also didn't help that Zach decided it was party time around 2 AM and wouldn't go back to sleep.

A trying week...

Well, not long after my last post, I got the bad news that a dear friend passed away; it was a heart attack. She was so young, and is survived by her husband and four children. The older two children are in their 20's, but the younger two are only around 7 and 5 years-old. Maureen was only in her early 40's (I think)

Feeling soooooo good!

I definitely can get used to feeling like this! I feel incredible. Over the weekend, I helped Teri to spread earth to level the WHOLE front yard at Mom's....heh heh.... I didn't even get sore muscles (Teri did), and I'm the one who was loading up, pushing, and dumping the wheel barrow.

This morning, I had laundry out on the line to dry before 8AM!!! I just am not sure if it's going to rain today, so I'm only putting out one or two loads at a time, well stretched out so it will dry faster...I only have about 3 more to go.

My other plans for the day are:

• completely declutter the kitchen counters
• finish emptying the old PC workstation
• declutter the change table in Mykah's room
• declutter surfaces in Mykah's room

My list on paper is actually longer, but these are the main things I want to accomplish today!

Happy Pills....

Yes, a happy pill actually does exist...well, at least for me it does. This new medication I'm taking is working wonders for me (and yet for someone else it might not work at all). Now, I have been having some insomnia, and I find I'm highly distractable, but I'll take that over the depression any day.

Happy Beltaine!!!

What a beautiful and perfect day! This is the most beautiful Beltaine I've enjoyed so far. The weather was perfect, and my oldest son is at an age (3-1/2) where he's ready for lessons about nature and the Goddess and the God (age appropriate, of course). So, we spent today outdoors learning about ants, flowers, and anything else he wanted to know about. I think after he had to apologize to all of my flowers the other day for stamping on them, he's curious to know why... Yay, a nice lesson is being learned, and he's actually getting it!!!

Update...

I spent the day on Friday waiting to see a Doctor at the Douglas hospital. I've been a mess, up and down in terms of my moods...and having scary thoughts. Anyway, the doctor I saw spent over an hour speaking with me getting a background, and trying to figure out what's happening (as opposed to the two other Psychiatrists I've had evaluations with who spent no more than 20 minutes with me) Anyway, this Doctor doesn't think I have Bi-polar disorder, but would like me to be evaluated by the "Affective Disorders" specialists at the Douglas for further information. He thinks that I suffer from a form of unipolar depression, and that I would be a good candidate for clinical research...LOL. He also gave me a new medication to try to see if it does anything for me, and he had me stop taking one of the other medications that just made me feel weird anyway.

I'm feeling pretty good today...I actually didn't have "fog-brain" when I woke up this morning, which was a very nice change!

Early Morning...

I was awakened at 4AM by Zachy crawling into bed with me; he had wet his bed. Then he wouldn't settle back to sleep, so we got out of bed so as not to awaken my husband (who's a very light sleeper). I got Zach settled on the couch with Dora, grapes and juice, and managed to catch a few more winks on the other couch in the living room... don't like waking early.

Change of plans...

So going to the Douglas today didn't happen...Mykah woke up crying around Midnight and didn't fall back asleep until 1:30AM. I'm looking at going on Monday which will allow me to not have to worry about the kids (Mom will care for them), and by leaving from Mom's, I can go via public transit! In other words, no driving anxiety.

Today, I'm feeling kind of melancholic. Gilles is working until midnight, and it's one of those evenings where I wish I had another adult around to keep me company. My thought patterns have been all wonky and scary, and I have tighness in my chest reaching around like tentacles attached to my spine. I really don't want to be alone tonight...I hate being so far from my family...I really have to expand my circle of friends (the chronic anxiety makes it challenging...and the bi-polar mood swings scare people.)

Today has been pretty much a bust in terms of housework, but I might get a couple of things done yet.

Tomorrow I'm off to the Douglas Hospital for an evaluation, and hopefully further referrals to get the help and support I need. My moods have still been way all over the place, and I'm fed up with it. My GP gave me the referral to the Douglas, and I hope they will follow me at one of their clinics...Psychiatry is somewhat different in that it's regulated by Postal Code (basically, you are limited to getting care in your local area) But the services out here don't seem so good, and most of the services available are in French only, so I'm hoping that will allow me to continue follow-up through the Douglas.

Beautiful desk...

My computer is all set up on the new desk, and it looks wonderful! I have "cubby holes" where I can keep the printer paper without it getting all dusty and mangled. There's a drawer where I can keep files, and miscellaneous drawers which are suitable for pens, pencils, staples, paperclips, 3-hole-punch, stapler, etc. Yay.

My husband rocks!!!!!

After spending the weekend at Mom's, it was nice to get home. Last night, my husband told me there would be a surprise waiting for me when I got home. I figured that he found a nice patio set, and had set it up in the back yard. So, when I checked the yard and there was no patio set, I was a little confuddled; especially since there were large, empty furniture boxes in the garage. I started checking the house to see if anything had changed. Well, when I walked into Mykah's Room/the computer room, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw a beautiful roll-top computer desk! I had pointed it out in a sale paper to Gilles, and he said, "Yeah, it's nice. But it's too expensive, and not one of our priorities right now."

I am in awe. I cried (good tears) when I saw it... I just have to figure out where to put it now...ha ha...

Hmmm...

Okay, so I have accomplished nothing of substance today so far; don't foresee it happening either. Oh, wait, I picked up most of the kids' toys from the floor, and Mykah is in a clean diaper. Hah!

Great Weekend...

Well, this weekend was much better! Actually, I had a great weekend.

FRIDAY: went out to Mom's with the kids and Goliath, and had a fairly relaxing day.

SATURDAY: Had CMS L2 Class in which we decorated eggs using the Pysanka technique...I loved it, and will probably continue this as a hobby, perfecting the skill as I go.

TODAY: Did an egg hund with the kids. Zach was too funny...he squeals like a girl; he was so excited. Then my aunt Jo came to Mom's which was wonderful in itself because I hadn't seen her since sometime in 1997 after my Grammy passed on...you know, loved one passes on, grief makes some people act out in silly ways, people "lose touch" with one another. Luckily, our family was able to get past the silliness and focus on loving each other. I was so happy to see her again!

Now I'm sitting at the computer in Mykah's room, because he doesn't really want to sleep...I think he will just have to cry this one out.

Crappy weekend...

Well, the weekend was nice overall, but I just felt really crappy! I think I missed a few doses of my meds, because I was feeling pretty down for most of the weekend. Also it didn't help that Dad came by Mom's and they had a huge yelling match which got my sons upset and scared. By Saturday morning, I was shaky, and having full-blown panic attacks! Needless to say, nobody slept well Friday night (Mykah and Zach both woke up at 2AM and didn't want to go back to sleep). So, I missed the gem show because I was in no shape to drive anywhere. I took 2 anti-anxiety pills before bed on Saturday; on Sunday, I had that "pea soup fog" in my brain...I couldn't stop from shaking, and I was having a hell of a time just trying to keep my eyes open!

Maybe working at home?

Well, I spoke to my supervisor today, telling her that Gilles and I decided that I need to be home with the kids. She didn't realize that in order for me to work that Mykah was living with my Mom for 2 weeks, then home for one. Having kids of her own, she's very understanding. I mentioned that if it was feasible that I could continue to do the transcripts, if I was allowed to work from home. She can't make the decision, but will speak to the person who can and let me know today. So keep your fingers crossed for me; this would be an incredible option for me if it happens.

Growlies....

I hate this waking up with "fog in the brain". I've been reading a book on bi-polar disorder, and I'm wondering if I'm having what they call "medication hangovers.?" All I know is that it sucks big time... Probably didn't help that I didn't sleep very well last night. I woke up around 1 AM with horrible stomach pains...I'm talking many knives sticking me and twisting here... whatever it was, it was gone when I woke up this morning, but then there's still the foggy brain issue. Didn't get housework done...didn't do any reading... Oh well, at least the kids got fed and are wearing clean clothes...oops, I take that part about clean clothes back... Mykah just spit milk all over himself...growl.

Decision made?

Well, I think my mind is pretty much made up; I'm going to quit my part-time job in order to stay home with the kids full-time. It's ridiculous having to have Mykah stay at my Mom's on certain weeks; he should be with us.

I'm a little concerned that Zach might get bored being home, but probably not if I start planning arts and crafts activities. Plus, he's almost old enough to start more focused learning on some simple concepts...this could be fun actually.

Decisions, decisions...

So Gilles has asked me to consider quitting my part-time job to stay home with the kids full-time again. Hmmmmm... I told him I'd have to take some time to think about it, but the prospect is very tempting, especially with summer coming. Before I started working, I was starting to get a good routine going here in the house, and I was actually doing very well. I was starting to be more stable with my moods. In reflection, I think my decision to find a part-time job was the beginning of a manic phase, especially considering the amount of $ I spent between Sept and Jan.

It's costing us $100 a week for child care right now; Gilles says he'd rather have me home with the kids and give that money to me.

If I do decide to do this, I'm going to have to find a "Mom & Tots" group or something along that line, because if not, I think I'll go stir crazy.

Moods...

Okay, so the butt-dragging led to a full-blown week-long depression...could not go to work, could not get out of bed, could not think...and all that stuff. It was apparently a result of reducing my Lithium intake by 300mg per day. I did this at the recommendation of my doctor, to see if the Lithium was causing some extra strange muscle aches that were not related to working out. Ummm...conclusion...I'll deal with the muscle pains if they come back!

I'm feeling much better now, although it doesn't look like I'll be able to go to work today because Zach is really sick, and I don't think he'll be up to going to daycare. The poor kid has a fever, a wicked cough, runny nose (we're talking running faucet here), and it seems the cold is in his sinuses because his eyes are red, puffy, and constantly tearing.

Butt-dragging, once again...

Yeah, so my energy levels have dipped again, thus necessitating some serious butt-dragging... at this point it's not working, so I'm thinking that perhaps some large charges of dynamite might be in order!

The house is a disaster, and I can't seem to get out of the house to get to work (thank goodness for a very flexible schedule...we're talking made of rubber here type of schedule). But on a good note, I've discovered that Yes, my moods are very much linked to how well I'm taking care of my body. I ate junk all weekend at my Mom's (evil donuts), and I fell back into my "skipping meals" habit...add that onto not being able to make it to the gym, and you have a recipe for "leave-me-alone-I-want-to-sleep-all-day-and-if-you-look-at-me-I'll-hurt-you" syndrome. So there!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Okay, so those 6 lbs I lost, I think I probably gained them all back over the weekend...evil raspberry filled donuts! They just jumped into my mouth, I swear!

New Lifestyle choices paying off...

Okay, so since making the effort to improve my nutrition (no more skipping meals), and starting exercise, I've lost 6lbs! Actually, it's 6lbs since my last Doctor's appointment on Feb 28th. Woo hoo!

Ow...but a good "ow"!

I am so sore! But this is good pain since I've started working out. I decided to join a gym, and I found one that I am pretty sure I can go to consistently. I've joined GoodLife , and so far I'm very impressed. The membership includes 6 sessions with a personal trainer. They also have a child care service 7 days a week from Opening time to 12pm, so I have no excuse not to go, even if I have the kids with me. My first day, I met 2 people I know, and a few new people who are really nice. One of the ladies who works at the front desk even offered to go to some of the classes with me if I wanted an exercise buddy. The gym is not overly crowded; no waiting lists for machines and stuff...heh, heh, today was my second time going since joining on Wednesday, and I've already lost 2lbs.

A little less Ugh today...

Well, I still didn't want to get up this morning, but I did manage to get up and out the door by 6:30, and arrived at work for 7AM. Now I'm dragging my butt through typing up the transcripts. I had hoped to break up my day with some filing, but the office where the cabinets are is not available to me today. My body is present, but my brain is somewhere up in outer space! Oh well, I'm at work, I'm getting paid for my time...

Ugh...my Motto for February?

It took all of my willpower to drag my butt out of bed and get myself to work this morning! I almost didn't make it, but my dearest husband kept pushing me to get ready, and go. I'm very thankful to him for that this morning.

Well, I'll keep a thought in mind... with each day that passes, winter is once again coming to an end, and soon my winter blahs (or in my case, Ughs) will be replaced by spring fever.... I love spring fever! I wake up with the sun and have so much energy.

Johari window

I found this on Scarlet's page, and it looks interesting.
Contribute to my Johari

sometimes I just love guilt....

My husband completely forgot about Valentine's Day, and only realised it when I gave him his card. All I had hoped for was a card, but he totally forgot. I was very disappointed and a little sad, but tried not to show it. He felt so bad, that on the 15th, he came home from work with a Crock Pot for me (That's actually a good thing since it's something I really, really wanted), and a bag full of chocolate. Heh, heh, the chocolate's great, but I cried when I saw the crock pot...He's so sweet. I guess he could tell I was disappointed after all.

Good Website

This website is too funny:
The Brat factor

More Ugh...

Still feeling like crap...this cold seems to be lingering longest with me and with Zach. Zach is coughing less today, so I think he's getting over it, but he slept in until 10AM, so he still needs rest (consequently that means that I slept until 10AM too)

My head is all stuffed up, and I have a nasty nasty cough (serves me right for picking up the smoking habit again). And I now have a wicked, wicked heart burn...that's my own fault too, because I downed my meds this morning without water (dumb, dumb, dumb)

Okay, so on the positive side, I think I've finally found a solution to my "meal planning" woes. I've subscribed to a menu-mailer from savingdinner.com. This is my first week using it, and we've had wonderful, healthy, simple meals for the past 3 nights. Basically, if you subscribe, you get 6 recipes every week, but not only that, the shopping list is layed out for you too. Also, there are quite a few different types of menus: regular menu, frugal menu, low-carb menu, and more. In addition to that, all of the recipes and grocery lists come with vegetarian and kosher alternatives.

Ugh....

Mykah woke up at 4:30AM wanting a bottle. He fell back asleep, but, alas, I could not. So, I made myself some coffee, and just chilled for a bit until it was a reasonable time to go to work. Yes, I'm at work today, and really wishing I could be at home, although I know I would not be terribly productive with the housework.

My ear is trying to flare up into a full-blown infection, and I can't find my drops...I couldn't really look thoroughly for them either, since I didn't want to wake Gilles and the kids (once Mykah was sleeping again.) So, I'm in the office until 2:30pm, and then hopefully I'll be able to find the drops once I get home...if I don't find them, I'm screwed!

Life just keeps getting better...

Okay, so I played hookey from work last Thursday...actually, I was feeling like crap. But I've been following this new "win what you really want" contest on Mix 96, and trying my hardest to get through. I missed the song announcement that morning, and when I checked the name of the song on the website, I couldn't for the life of me remember one note of the song. Anyway, long story short, the song came on the radio, a bell went off in my head, and I actually got through. Basically, I won $100 gift certificate for Reno Depot, and I've been entered in a $30,000.00 grand prize draw... how awesome is that?! Only 160 people will be entered in this draw, so the odds are pretty decent. Here's keeping my fingers crossed.

All tests normal.

Oh, oh, oh, we had the appointment for Mykah with the geneticists on Jan 11. All tests are normal, so he's not a Little Person after all. The only thing that is really off is his weight, but even then, he doesn't look like he's underweight. So, we have to follow-up with the GI specialists at MCH, but I'm no longer worried.

Smoke-free...not!

Damn, yes, I started smoking again. I went 5 days, but allowed a certain family situation get to me, and I started smoking again. Grrrrrrrrrrrr...

Smoke-free!

Okay, so here I am in my 78th smoke-free hour. Yes, I am quitting smoking, and although it's still not easy, I've found an excellent method for quitting. Laser therapy. It's not without it's challenges (I still have to deal with the psychological aspect of quitting smoking), but at least it helps ease some of the physical unpleasantries of quitting.

We have scooting...

Well, Mykah's bum scoot is coming along faster than I thought. Put it this way, I'm scrambling to clean up small things, dirt, etc. in a 5 foot radius around him... I put him down somewhere, and he doesn't stay put very long. I think he'll actually be moving from room to room in the house by next week.

Mobility is just around the corner...

Yes, Mykah looks as if he'll start doing his own version of crawling pretty soon. I say "his own version", because it's actually not crawling at all. Right now, he turns himself in circles while sitting on his bum, using his feet to move him around. Well, he wanted a toy that was just out of his reach, and he used his hands to pull himself forward to get it (while still sitting on his bum!) It's really cute, and very funny all at the same time.

Happy New Year...

I actually saw the New Year come in this time... I've slept through it for the past 4 years at least. I had intended to go to bed at 9:30 last night, but my kids had other plans. It was fun, and both my babies saw the new year come in too. When the music started after the ball dropped, Zach started dancing, and little Mykah, sitting on his Papa's lap was trying to dance as best he could too (I call it "bum-bopping" since he can't walk yet). So, Happy New Year to every one!!